The start of Oct. I am excited only for one part of it. The end of most of the Fluttering campaign. I LOVE this campaign. For so many reasons. It raises a ton of awareness and money. Kids are involved and doing it. Kids are saving kids. We partnered with other organizations and allowed people to highlight the child(ren) that have touched their lives.

I am proud of it because I think it really showcases what and who Unravel is.. Awareness. Empowerment. Kids. Money for research.

But I miss her.

Jennifer feels so distant to me this month. I think I know why. I see messages and notes of people every single day who she is touching and inspiring to keep going with Fluttering. But I’m selfish.. I miss her. I miss the signs for me. I miss that sometimes that I feel like she is just about to come around the corner in our kitchen.

I am proud of her. For donating her tumor to keep part of the old her here fighting. And I am proud of her for finding ways .. where ever she is to help others unravel pediatric cancer . I know she is busy working.

But I miss her.

It’s perfect that today is rainy and chilly. Because so am I. The start of today is the beginning of what used to be my most favorite time of the year.

We got married in the fall because I love(ed) this time of year. October. When my hearts greatest wish became reality.

me. a mommy. finally a mommy. HER mommy.

Then Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas.. Magical times.. Especially with young children.

So many wonderful times that October 1 marks the beginning of. But now. no. Now its the begining of so much pain. I am scared. I am dreading.

I wasn’t prepared for today. I need to be writing. To be connecting with the myself like this. Actively grieving or I am going to fucking drown .

Because I miss her.

She was diagnosed in October too.. on her birthday. We sat in a little office. I feel like we should have been told in a different kind of place. But it was just the regular clinical room. Up until that moment talking with hope. Laughing and joking with this new doctor ..

“there is no cure”

I think those words cemented me. In being in this .. until there is a cure..

Later I asked her if anybody had ever hit her. Because in that moment I wanted to. I wanted to unleash this immediate onslaught of pain on her.. A woman I would then later.. quickly .. come to love like family.

When she said it .. there was no pause, it was an immediate slice into me. No delay in my reaction. It was like my body reacted before my heart and mind even understood what was happening. My soul wasn’t yet crying out .. it was like every physical part of me felt the words.. and reacted to them. Every cell in me light up.. on fire and bleeding out.

.. it would happen again 3.5 months later. The moment she took her last breath. My body grieved her immediately. Before my mind or heart could even figure out  what had actually just happened. ..

.. im not even sure they have figured it out still…

Im scared. For all thats coming.. Year 2. I’ve done this before. I don’t want to do it again. ..

i miss you

oh baby

i miss you

..until there is a cure..