child loss birthdays Archives - Unravel Pediatric CancerUnravel Pediatric Cancer

rip current

October 5, 2018October 5, 2018Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, for them because of her, grieving after 4 years, holidays, latest postbereaved family, bereaved parent, bereaved sibling, birthday party, child death, child loss, child loss birthday, child loss holidays, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, growing up in grief, helping a bereaved family, surviving child loss4 Comments

rip cur·rent noun noun: rip current; plural noun: rip currents a relatively strong, narrow current flowing outward from the beach through the surf zone and presenting a hazard to swimmers. Its October.. the start of my once favorite time of year.. I love colder weather.. Our wedding anniversary.. It marks the start of the coming holidays seasons.. and its the month that I first became a Mama.. I loved this month and everything it represented. I don’t anymore.. and that fills me with immense guilt. Because I have an incredible husband.. Because I still have 4 incredible children to watch enjoy that magic that is this time of year.. and I am still a Mama of 5.. I feel like I should be getting to the point of just appreciating the time I was so lucky to have her.. Of all the wonderful memories I have with her.. But I’m not.. I[…]

dug in and dig out

October 28, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, childhood cancer, DIPG, grieving after 3 years, jennifers birthday, latest post10th birthday, birthday after child loss, birthday of dead child, how to celebrate a child in heaven, surviving child loss7 Comments

dig in.. and you will dig out.. I have dug in.. enough to somehow both give me a head ache and release me from the one that has been lingering for weeks. Jennifer loved chocolate cake.. and a ton of icing. She had celiacs disease and ate gluten free.. in a time before most people knew what that was.. I pre-made cupcakes for her and froze them so they were ready for any party. Icing on the other hand could be trickier.. We found a solution though.. We would melt a ton of chocolate chips and pour it on the cupcake and let it harden into a massive chunk of chocolate on the top. And she loved that.. She loved having a giant piece of chocolate to gnaw on and get all over her face.. I don’t know what it looks like where she is.. I don’t even know what[…]

10th birthday

October 27, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss, child loss birthdays, childhood cancer, DIPG, grieving after 3 years, jennifers birthday, latest postafter child loss, bereaved parent, birthday after child loss, birthday of dead child, child loss holidays, childhood cancer, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, helping a bereaved family, helping a family after child loss, remembering dead child10 Comments

10. she should be 10. Double digits. what a big deal. Except she isn’t here.. This is the time of year when I can really remember her.. When I have moments.. days even I can remember so vividly.. Hauntingly vividly.. When she was sick.. when she was dying.. But not her 6th birthday.. There are so many holes in that day.. So I ask about it. I ask to hear the same stories .. Where were you? Who told you? What did you think? .. I guess thats really all I ever want.. To hear your stories. . over and over again. . She should be 10.. but she is forever 6. .. And all we have is stories and memories.. My brain stumbles often.. So if you have 1 or 50 stories of her.. If they take you an hour or a minute to tell.. please . .. please[…]

reality bites

October 25, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, childhood cancer, DIPG, grieving after 3 years, jennifers birthday10th birthday, birthday after child loss, birthday of dead child, birthday with a child in heaven, celebrating birthdays after death, child loss, glitter gala, helping a bereaved family, supporting a family after child loss, surviving after death of child, surviving child loss3 Comments

I had this false perspective of reality.. I thought it was a simple thing.. As it turns out it is anything but.. We can’t change our reality .. but we certainly can deny it. This still feels unreal.. Like it can’t really have happened.. My daughter can’t have died.. I think I am learning .. that it’s not so much that we get stronger in child loss or that the pain dulls but that we simply get better at denying it.. As horrible as it is to admit I think that’s how we learn to survive. . We are able to convince ourselves it wasn’t real.. that our child wasn’t really here.. So they can’t possibly really be gone. so when it hits.. it is sharp and it is biting. It can completely steal my breath and knock me out at my knees.. crippling. Right now I am hurting.. I[…]

glittery birthday girl

September 21, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, childhood cancer, DIPG, jennifers birthday, latest post10th birthday, celebrating birthdays after death, child loss birthday, fear, glitter gala, how to celebrate a child in heaven, Jennifers birthday4 Comments

I was never a fancy birthday mom.. Never did party favors or pinterest themed decorations. .. So its only natural that I agreed to having Unravel throw an entire gala on what should be her 10th birthday!! A party in her honor to rage against the beast that ripped her unwillingly and with a slow precision from our arms. So I might as well admit it.. I am scared.. That date. October 28th. It’s held such power over me for almost 10 years. .. the date I became a mom.. The date I looked forward to for 6 years.. To celebrate the little girl that changed everything.. husband and wife.. turned forever.. mommy and daddy. . In one moment.. in one breath she did that.. And 6 years after those first exhilarating moments .. years of promise were stolen in a string of words and letters.. Cancer.. DIPG.. There is[…]

six

August 29, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, childhood cancer, DIPG, grieving after 3 years, growing up in grief, latest post6th birthday, bereaved parent, bereaved sibling, birthday party, celebrating birthdays after death, childhood cancer, coping with guilt over child loss, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, forever 6, guilt after child death, mommy guilt, nicholas birthday, nicholas grief, sibling loss, surviving child loss8 Comments

Six. Never has a number had such power over me. Forever 6. My eldest child is eternally six years old.. Told on that birthday that she wouldn’t make it see seven. Her younger brother is 7.. and tomorrow her baby brother will also be 6. how? How is that even possible. Her bubbas.. I woke him this morning like I do the every morning before their birthdays.. Welcoming them to their final day of their current age. . But as I said the words .. ” Wake up to your last day of 5..” I felt a rush of cold through my veins. A cold and palpable fear. please help me keep him safe.. I’ve heard that military/police term of “watch your 6”.. and its resonated lately.. I had a feeling as to what it meant.. But I looked it up to be sure.. the defintion.. “6:00 is what lies[…]

..3 years ago..

October 26, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss, child loss birthdays, grieving after 2 years, latest post9th birthday, birthday after child loss, birthday with a child in heaven, birthday without the child., child mri, diagnosis with cancer, diagnosis with childhood cancer, diagnosis with dipg, lucille packard, Lucille Packard Children's Hospital, mri10 Comments

I feel weaker… more run down than I have the last 2 anniversaries of this … this date, this message stolen from FB.. “After a bit of a whirlwind Jennifer was diagnosed with a brain tumor. We are home now. On Monday we will go in after the team has discussed her case and come up with a game plan. I will set up some sort of a caring bridges or something site. For now though my older sister Ann and Renee are my “word spreaders” But please know if you want to call or text feel free. If I cant or dont want to answer I won’t. Tony Kranz would prefer a little more silence on his end. Our number one concern is all of our kids. So if you see them please just be normal and smiley with them. And remember even though JLK is the one with the medical diagnosis all of our kids are[…]

Should

October 21, 2016October 22, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, grieving after 2 years, growing up in grief, jennifers birthday, latest post, sibling loss3 year old grief, 3 year old sibling loss, anger after child loss, bereaved parent, bereaved sibling, celebrating birthdays after death, child hospice, child loss, child loss 2 years, childhood cancer, death of a child, jealousy after child loss, regrets with death of a child, school pictures, sibling loss10 Comments

Should .. She should be here. . she should be alive.. That word carries a lot of weight with me right now. They cover me.. and they snuff out the light.. The should’s are dark and consuming. The should nots are heavy and constricting, they are what I don’t want to admit. . She should be growing and changing.. I should already have a wall filled with her school pictures. .. Instead we are tying to figure out what to do with Jonathan’s. . I should be posting his picture.. so proud of the handsome boy he is.. and how much he has changed and grown in the past 12 months. .. I should be happy for my friends and their school pictures.. Especially the kinder ones. . I should be. I’m not. I look at them with a mix of longing, jealousy and anger. . I long for it. For[…]

October is my train.

October 7, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, grieving after 2 years, growing up in grief, jennifers birthday, latest post3 year old sibling loss, 5 year old sibling loss, bereaved family, bereaved parent, bereaved sibling, birthday after child loss, child loss, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, DIPG, dipg diagnosis, GPS, growing up in grief, parenting after child loss, parenting in grief, remembering dead child, remembering lost child, scared to die, sibling loss10 Comments

October.. Waiting for that crash.. Standing beside the train tracks.. wind blowing hard and fast against me.. and nothing I can do to stop it.. I feel it though. My whole body trembles as I feel the sheer power and force of the train barreling towards my little family. October.. This month is that train.. Her birthday also the day she was diagnosed with cancer, its the start of it all.. For all the holidays that hurt so much without her.. The ones that now symbolize her short but fierce battle. .. so its not just the stark reminder that one is missing.. its also the memories of our last holidays with her.. When we knew she would die.. i didnt know.. sissy i didnt know you were already dying.. I see a video.. and I watch it.. willing me to just find her in the frame. Its all I see[…]

is 3 real?

May 11, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, grieving after 2 years, latest post, sibling loss3rd birthday, bereaved parent, bereaved parents, bereaved sibling, brain tumor, celebrations after child loss, charlottes birthday, child hospice, child loss, child loss birthday, child loss holidays, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, growing up in grief, honor dead child, remembering dead child16 Comments

Tomorrow morning I wake up to a 3 year old little girl… and it makes me sick to my stomach. and really really angry. I, like all moms, get a touch melancholy about their birthdays.. about how quickly time passes once you are a mom.. But my ridiculous decorating the night before their birthday has helped it become a fun night.. Birthday eve. The other kids get to stay up and help decorate and wrap presents. I make the birthday kid a birthday chair horrifically decorated in balloons and streamers.. Its made me happy to have them turn a year older. A day all about them. . and I like giving them that. Nothing expensive.. just attention and traditions. I’m usually excited about their birthdays. .. even after Jennifer died I still have loved.. maybe even more if thats possible.. decorating and getting the house all ready after the birthday[…]

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