I love colder weather.. Our wedding anniversary.. It marks the start of the coming holidays seasons.. and its the month that I first became a Mama.. I loved this month and everything it represented.

I don’t anymore.. and that fills me with immense guilt.

Because I have an incredible husband.. Because I still have 4 incredible children to watch enjoy that magic that is this time of year.. and I am still a Mama of 5.. I feel like I should be getting to the point of just appreciating the time I was so lucky to have her.. Of all the wonderful memories I have with her..

this man loves his daughter.. tremendously. If love was enough.. she would never have experienced a moment of hurt..

But I’m not.. I want to ask if its normal.. If its ok.. But I am smart enough to know that nobody can answer that for me. I used to be so confident in how I was doing this grieving my daughter thing.. But not so much anymore.. Maybe because its not my constant now..

So I wonder.. and I question.. Shouldn’t I be at the point that it doesn’t still steal so much from me?

i love you jennifer.. i miss you .. but ill gladly take the pain of now for the beauty of everyday i got with you.. you have to know that

I know its not logical.. I know I can’t hurt her feelings.. But I’m still just a Mama of a 6 year old little girl so I worry.. I worry about how she might not understand these big sad feelings I have in regards to her..

So I fight it. I spend almost all of my energy burying my feet in the sand.. and fighting against it. And it drains me. See it’s not my tears or my sadness that hurt my beautiful 4 children now.. its the refusal of my pain.. Its the asinine belief that somehow I am strong enough to not be taken under by it..

You know I didn’t even know I felt this way until today.. — I have had a few people (THANK YOU!!!) go out of their way to text me that thy hate October– But I didn’t really get why they said it.. or why I was just feeling low.. Until this photo popped up on my FB memories.

DId you know why I kept retaking the picture? Did it scare you? Or bother you? Im sorry baby girl 

A birthday party for her friend.. Her eye was turning in.. I remember trying so many angles for this picture.. to try to fix her eye.. To try to not make it obvious .. Because I was so fucking worried how she looked, how she would feel looking at the picture later in her life..

That picture above is the start of it all for me.. It kinda let me give me myself permission to hurt. .. to miss her. To hate that I missed it.. The ticking time bomb in her head.. To have the dread (and still love because of them) for this time of year.. 4 important months .. filled with happy joyful memories.. and horrible suffering memories.. and the memories we have yet to make this year to be added to it all..

A teacher friend was making a bulletin board with pictures for the teachers room.. This was one of my contributions…

Im so glad we got a last birthday and Christmas and Halloween and New Years with her.. but it also makes for some pretty intense flashbacks ..

And somehow this picture made me face that reality.. and allow it to be ok.. I don’t know if I am doing this grieving my daughter thing right.. but I know I am doing it .. I know I have to allow it. I know the biggest way I can cheat my 4 living beautiful souls.. and my 1 forever first daughter is to reject it all.. to not allow myself the dread and hurt.. The refusal of these tears, that would be the biggest disservice. I do know that.

They say the best thing to do when you get swept into ripcurrant is to swim into it.. with it.. until you can swim out of it..

So I will .. I promise. For Jonathan. For Nicholas. For Charlotte. For Bridgette. For Jennifer. I will stop fighting the pull .. and I will swim in and only because of that will I be able to swim my way out.

oh sissy miss

these tears.. this anger .. this pain..

it simply gives me the ability

to get to the place

to thank God for you.

and

i am so damn thankful

…until there is a cure..