Category: holidays

rip current

rip cur·rent noun noun: rip current; plural noun: rip currents a relatively strong, narrow current flowing outward from the beach through the surf zone and presenting a hazard to swimmers. Its October.. the start of my once favorite time of year.. I love colder weather.. Our wedding anniversary.. It marks the start of the coming holidays seasons.. and its the month that I first became a Mama.. I loved this month and everything it represented. I don’t anymore.. and that fills me with immense guilt. Because I have an incredible husband.. Because I still have 4 incredible children to watch enjoy that magic that is this time of year.. and I am still a Mama of 5.. I feel like I should be getting to the point of just appreciating the time I was so lucky to have her.. Of all the wonderful memories I have with her.. But I’m not.. I[…]

a mothers love..

Thanksgiving. A day meant to be full of gratitude and food and family.. But see its that last part  that really ruins all the rest of it.. Because my family is incomplete. There is a empty seat at the table..   I guess I imagined by year 3 I would be grown a thicker skin against it.. An emotional callus. But I haven’t. And somehow this year I feel so much lonelier with it. Like its not supposed to be this way and I am doing something wrong. Like I am not allowed to or supposed to miss Jennifer so much. But I do. No more. But also no less than I did the very first year. .. The thing that’s changed is the intensity of it. Because year one I was accustomed to the daily onslaught of the pain of her absence. Now. Now I get respite from it.[…]

mom struggles

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.   And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

maybe the kids have it right..

Maybe Jennifer is painting the sky pink for us right now. I wish she was with us. Just here in the car right now. Im going to blow these bubbles up to heaven. Sissy can pop them. Can I sleep in here? I dreamt about Jennifer. I miss her and I am scared. Constant. My missing of her is a constant living part of me. And it is part of my kids too. Those are the comments I have heard in just the past few days. Just sudden and randomly they share,  I have them too.. I just don’t share mine. To protect them.. or whoever I am with. I keep those thoughts silent. To not let it seem like my life is overtaken by the one I can’t touch anymore. My kids though have the freedom to give those thoughts and wishes and hopes a voice. They don’t have[…]

forgiveness for mothers day

Another mothers day is coming. .. I dread it. And then I feel so much guilt over that. I still have my amazing mom and I know so many others that don’t. .I am lucky not just to still have a mom.. but to have her be MY mom and my kids Coco. I am a mother to 4 of the most incredible people you could ever hope to meet. They love me. They will want to show me they love me… in simple and often sticky ways. ..but .. the one that made me a mommy. The one that bestowed the most important title on me is missing.  I remember that first year so well. And that first Fathers day. How surreal it was after years of infertility.. 5 losses.. We finally got to celebrate. Tony and I promised each other we would always make a big deal out[…]

her Christmas gift

We woke up all with Jennifer on our hearts and minds… And as it turns out the feeling was mutual. My niece came over last night and saved Christmas for the second year in a row. She came over to wrap presents for my kids. Without her to talk with and to honestly do most of it I don’t know if it would have gotten done. It is so hard to not be wrapping for her.. So I just avoid it at all costs. As I fell asleep silent tears hit my pillow..  as I was helplessly wishing I could give her a present.. This morning the very first thing Nicholas did was ask my a question about sissy.. He was groggy, wiping sleeping from his eyes and asked if she used to wear boxers.. I was taken aback and at first said no.. but then realized she probably did[…]

october 1

The start of Oct. I am excited only for one part of it. The end of most of the Fluttering campaign. I LOVE this campaign. For so many reasons. It raises a ton of awareness and money. Kids are involved and doing it. Kids are saving kids. We partnered with other organizations and allowed people to highlight the child(ren) that have touched their lives. I am proud of it because I think it really showcases what and who Unravel is.. Awareness. Empowerment. Kids. Money for research. But I miss her. Jennifer feels so distant to me this month. I think I know why. I see messages and notes of people every single day who she is touching and inspiring to keep going with Fluttering. But I’m selfish.. I miss her. I miss the signs for me. I miss that sometimes that I feel like she is just about to come[…]

five mothers days

Numbers. Simple. But they can take on such meaning. 6. I always think of things when it comes to Jennifer like 6’s. But its not always accurate. Because I only got 5 mothers days with her. I remember that first one especially.. the utter joy and lingering disbelief that after so many years of trying to become a mom.. I was actually one, to this particular brown eyed girl. I think on some level I never stopped feeling that gratitude everyday. Even the bad ones.. to get to be a mom.. her mom. their mom. Until February 12th. I really thought there would be nothing harder to face then infertility and repeat miscarriages.. I really thought nothing could ever completely dull that appreciation. But losing Jennifer has done that. damnit I am horrified at the reality and ashamed to admit my truth,  that I woke this morning and felt such a[…]

easter… again…

Easter came again. I tried to pretend it wasn’t going to…But it did. Already our 2nd without her.. and I only got 5 with Jennifer. time is passing. it is so unfair. Last year my goal was simply to put one foot in front of the other. To not force myself to try to make traditions that I had to be sure to always adhere to. That was the right choice.. but now I want to start making traditions.. Ones that find ways to incorporate her.. and ones that are simply something new. Easter morning we woke up and made Resurrection rolls. We talked a lot about what the meaning behind Easter is. And that Jesus is the only one who comes back from the dead.. he is the only one that has ever and will ever be brought back to life. I never realized before how confusing Disney movies[…]

..its her ring…

There was this ring. The most precious ring I have ever owned. More than my wedding ring or engagement ring.. This ring that I once had. I wrote about a few times before.. I bought a bag full of costume jewelry for Jennifer at a garage sale. A little while later she showed me that it had a grown up ring in it.  I slipped in on and it perfectly fit me. It had 5 bumps down the middle. I kissed it and her.. and told her it represented the 5 loves of my life. My 4 children (one of which was still growing in my tummy) and their Daddy. I loved it immediately. And she loved me wearing it. But it was always hers.. she was allowing me to wear it. So every once in awhile she would take it back. The first time I thought it might be[…]