A day meant to be full of gratitude and food and family.. But see its that last part that really ruins all the rest of it..
Because my family is incomplete.
There is a empty seat at the table..
I guess I imagined by year 3 I would be grown a thicker skin against it.. An emotional callus.
But I haven’t. And somehow this year I feel so much lonelier with it. Like its not supposed to be this way and I am doing something wrong. Like I am not allowed to or supposed to miss Jennifer so much.
But I do. No more. But also no less than I did the very first year. ..
The thing that’s changed is the intensity of it. Because year one I was accustomed to the daily onslaught of the pain of her absence. Now. Now I get respite from it.
Missing her, it’s always there but now its more like the background music .. These holidays when the volume of my grief gets turned on full blast, its deafening.
I want people to know that. To understand that. . That subsequent years are in that sense harder.. Because the sadness can pull you right back down to a very dark place.. One that I climbed my way out of without even fully realizing I was doing it .. so going back to it is scary. And lonely … because I feel like nobody knows I am down here. ..
But I am.
Year one I was supposed to share the meal with my 7 year old.. and this year I am supposed to be sharing it with my 9 year old. Really that’s all that’s changed.. the age she is supposed to be..
Just like my love has grown and deepened for my living children over the past 3 years .. it has for Jennifer as well.
Because she is my child and this is a mothers love.
the pain of missing you
is just my love
and I am grateful for it.
…until there is a cure.