This time of year when I will constantly make.. and then break plans. Where I will commit over and over again to being a better mom, to take them out more and do more…

Commit to being a better friend.. And then I won’t be.

I will find any reason and excuse to cancel plans. And I feel terribly about it. But I can’t seem to stop. Every night I tell myself I won’t do it. I won’t cancel. .. And sometimes I don’t.. but more often than not I do. . I hate it and I wish I could change it..

Because I get scared. .. that at some point it will be enough is enough.. That the “my daughter died” excuse of life will just become old and tired..  That my children and my husband will be impacted because of the way I cope with my grief .. especially this time of year.

I will grocery shop at stores further away to avoid seeing people I know. Because life.. because interaction with other people is draining.

I just want to be home with only my kids and my husband. ..


From the reality.. Jennifer is gone. And I can’t do a damned thing to change that. So I want to stay in control of something .. my surroundings .. my interactions..

We make it fun.. movies and books..
We make it fun.. movies and books..


..and painting each other
..and painting each other

Tony is different though.. He re-fuels through what drains me. People noise .. the outside world. .. He has a need for others and to be free from the heaviness that is that reality.

Hiding. He just needs to do it in a crowd.

Finding the balance between both of our emotions and needs is difficult. And it goes beyond just our needs. We have these 4 little hearts that have their own needs as well. .

How do we do whats best for them and for each of us? Such vastly different needs.  How do we find balance?

oh. I look up at her picture and have to smile.

We don’t need to figure any of it out. Because we balance each other. Because mine and Tony’s different needs balance each other.

I promised Jennifer .. I promised her it was ok to go because I would take care of them and of him. And lately I have really been questioning that.. Worried I am letting them down and letting her down.

I look up at her frozen in time face smiling so brightly and knowingly at me.. Somehow I see more in that picture of her. A knowing and a wink, maybe a eye-roll.. that she saw it all along.

That I am. I am taking care of them..  even when I am hiding. .. maybe even because I am hiding ..

you still fill me

your love

it still fills me

beyond capacity.


… until there is a cure..


4 Responses to “hiding”

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this. This is my second holiday season since my dad died and all I want to do is hide in my house on my side of the bed…. and I keep trying to go but then I cancel. And I think the excuse is worn out too. I’m afraid I’ll lose all my friends eventually.
    It’s nice to know that I am not alone – and neither are you.

  2. Personally, I cannot be in your shoes and yet feel the heaviness of your broken heart. I know grief well and think it is something we have to embrace or it will hide in every shadow. You have to remain true to being honest with yourself and acknowledging the unimaginable loss has happened. I am older but see that being younger is difficult because our society functions in such a youthful way and escapism, especially in today’s climate is acceptable. It may be a lifetime of grief and the fact that you are acknowledging it is healing everyday. My loss is related to the expected passing of my mother in 2014 where I fought it every step of her decline through Alzheimer’s disease. Still brings tears to my eyes. So please let those tears flow and you will be there for your kids and spouse. We support the UCSC Tree House Initiative and are active in the Pediatric Cancer community. Let’s keep the focus on finding cures!

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