This time of year when I will constantly make.. and then break plans. Where I will commit over and over again to being a better mom, to take them out more and do more…
Commit to being a better friend.. And then I won’t be.
I will find any reason and excuse to cancel plans. And I feel terribly about it. But I can’t seem to stop. Every night I tell myself I won’t do it. I won’t cancel. .. And sometimes I don’t.. but more often than not I do. . I hate it and I wish I could change it..
Because I get scared. .. that at some point it will be enough is enough.. That the “my daughter died” excuse of life will just become old and tired.. That my children and my husband will be impacted because of the way I cope with my grief .. especially this time of year.
I will grocery shop at stores further away to avoid seeing people I know. Because life.. because interaction with other people is draining.
I just want to be home with only my kids and my husband. ..
From the reality.. Jennifer is gone. And I can’t do a damned thing to change that. So I want to stay in control of something .. my surroundings .. my interactions..
Tony is different though.. He re-fuels through what drains me. People noise .. the outside world. .. He has a need for others and to be free from the heaviness that is that reality.
Hiding. He just needs to do it in a crowd.
Finding the balance between both of our emotions and needs is difficult. And it goes beyond just our needs. We have these 4 little hearts that have their own needs as well. .
How do we do whats best for them and for each of us? Such vastly different needs. How do we find balance?
oh. I look up at her picture and have to smile.
We don’t need to figure any of it out. Because we balance each other. Because mine and Tony’s different needs balance each other.
I promised Jennifer .. I promised her it was ok to go because I would take care of them and of him. And lately I have really been questioning that.. Worried I am letting them down and letting her down.
I look up at her frozen in time face smiling so brightly and knowingly at me.. Somehow I see more in that picture of her. A knowing and a wink, maybe a eye-roll.. that she saw it all along.
That I am. I am taking care of them.. even when I am hiding. .. maybe even because I am hiding ..
you still fill me
it still fills me
… until there is a cure..