Category: child loss

Mrs Barbara Bush

  Did you know the former first lady lost her little girl? When she passed away.. (ok the day before I was the dodo that saw the one erroneous posting and shared it!) .. I was overcome with emotion. So happy for her. In such awe and also such fear. Awe for the impactful life she was able to lead after losing her daughter. For being the wife of a president and then raising one. If she could do that I can do this.. And for being brave enough to share about her daughter in the days when that was taboo.. and fear.. She lived so long. So long in such heartache. Its only been 4 years .. but its tiring.. Its a grind. The always present undercurrent of missing Jennifer.. Its seems impossibly daunting to keep this up for another 60 years.. And then the immense guilt over that..[…]

with the patience of eternity

I know I need to write.. But Im scared to. But then again Im scared not to. I find myself aching for her.. I find myself wanting to hide and just be with my kids.. (and husband) shutting out the rest of the world. I am strong. I am the second strongest person I know. I am broken. I am the most broken person I know. I am crying constantly it seems.. just a tear.. maybe two.. Then it dries up. My pain burrows deep and hides itself away.. I freeze. I sat down now to work on our speeches for upcoming Night on the Town in Sacramento.. I started to pull up pictures for Tonys presentation.. and I felt that familiar buzz… a weight on my chest.. forcing all the air out of my body. an invisible noose tightening quickly around my throat. ..  I exhale.. and its gone.[…]

the pendulum swings..

4 years. When you become a parent time becomes so flexible.. You can look at your 4 year old and feel like they are still so little.. yet be completely unable to remember life without them.. My guess is that never changes?? I think that maybe even my Mom looks at me like that.. However, I do know my grief is just like that.. I cannot believe its been 4 years.. the pain is still so raw and so fresh.. especially right now that I find myself wondering if I can really survive this for the rest of my life.. and.. I cannot believe its only been 4 years. I forget what it was like to parent a healthy.. living, breathing Jennifer. I hate that. I hate not only that its my truth but I hate giving that part of my pain life..  That part that feels like I can’t[…]

10th birthday

10. she should be 10. Double digits. what a big deal. Except she isn’t here.. This is the time of year when I can really remember her.. When I have moments.. days even I can remember so vividly.. Hauntingly vividly.. When she was sick.. when she was dying.. But not her 6th birthday.. There are so many holes in that day.. So I ask about it. I ask to hear the same stories .. Where were you? Who told you? What did you think? .. I guess thats really all I ever want.. To hear your stories. . over and over again. . She should be 10.. but she is forever 6. .. And all we have is stories and memories.. My brain stumbles often.. So if you have 1 or 50 stories of her.. If they take you an hour or a minute to tell.. please . .. please[…]

his summer – my fall

I think maybe I am starting to find my groove. Find my way in this new life of mine.. Figuring out a way to carry myself through the difficult times. My body ..  my heart know what is coming and I think I am unintentionally filling my tank.. and my reserves .. Because I find myself starting to brace against the time that I know is coming. ..In my horizon is her birthday.. The day we finally became parents.. the day we learned we would without a doubt lose the child that gifted us that title. A deep internal gritting and grinding.. A fear and a slow burn starting to churn away.. Because ready or not its coming.. but because of those shadows looming in the distance I also see the light. .. The literal light .. sunlight coming through the trees. I am aware of the warmth of the[…]

 It is warmth. It is joy. It is full.

I’ve always known .. well I guess not always since I never in my wildest fears imagined this being our life.. But since she was put on hospice care I knew our kids would each take their own paths on their grief journeys. I remember them teaching us how our kids would each re-live the loss of their sister as they hit new cognitive and emotional milestones.. So I’ve know it.. It should be no surprise .. but it always is. I share all of this now for them.. An addendum to my letter to them.. (shared here) for them to know what I know. We were recently talking about the girl I believe to our Jennifer’s best friend. How it was 11 years since her family said their final goodbye to her. We talked about what we could do to support Brecken’s family. It brought to the surface each[…]

What’s it like- living with child loss

Whats it like? What’s it like to be you? I see it. I think that is probably the number 1 question I see burning behind people’s eyes that is never asked. Though it’s hinted to… in the escape of words like I can’t imagine. .. So I’ll tell you.. It’s showing up to drop my son off late at school.. walking him into the cafeteria to get one last hug as he drops off his lunch box. Something is going on.. lots of kids and fun. Its seeing a mom who asks if I am ready for the craziness.. It’s asking what and hearing that its the 3rd grade arcade day. Its the wonder for just a moment.. until you can feel the ground move beneath you.. She should be in there.. And the gym that was moments ago just 15 feet away somehow becomes miles away.. at the end[…]

the power of a memory

My mind often struggles to catch up with my reality. Most of the time Im not even aware of it. My daughter was here. Jennifer lived. And Jennifer died. Forever 6. The other day the kids played a joke on me. They all got in the car to go somewhere like they do everyday but when I walked over to buckle Bridgette in Jonathan was in her seat … the car erupted in giggles as I jumped back in confusion and surprise. I was laughing as I started to say Jennifer did that when she was your age.. It was like somebody ran across my stomach with a blade. The pain. Sharp. Immediate and shocking. He is 7. She is 6. Little brother older than big sister. Luckily I didn’t get the sentence out of my mouth and they were all too busy being proud of themselves to hear me.[…]

my question for you..

What does don’t be sorry be active mean? It means I know you are sorry I lost my daughter .. I know you are sorry she suffered.. I know you are sorry she is gone and sorry that maybe even you miss her too… But that sorry. Its not enough. Not enough because she is still fighting.. Her cells .. living and growing pieces of her.. they are fighting .. SHE is fighting but she needs help. Money. Awareness. Help to make both of those things happen. Sorry isn’t enough for Jennifer. And. And for your kids. Sorry isn’t enough for any of our kids. Sorry doesn’t stop the tragedy.. the death…the suffering from happening. It just protects your eyes.. unless.. . it get drops inside your own home and you simply cannot avert your eyes any longer. Let me pose this question. Would you do more? Would you do it[…]

earthquake country

I live in earthquake country.. I always have.. but now its more. Now I exist in it too.. I am always ready.. vigilant for any potential tremors. But that’s what makes them so scary .. you never know when they will hit.. Even when they start.. you just never know how high they will register on the Richter scale.. I already know. As my fingers hit the keyboard I already know .. this might be one of those posts I never publish.. Because I know whats eating at me. .. something I struggle too admit to myself .. let alone out loud.. My jealousy. My heartbreak in the middle of others joy. The birth of my niece. Yes of course seeing a healthy baby… of remembering what it was like to first have my Jennifer placed in my arms.. Of wanting so desperately to go back.. to get those years[…]

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