… continued from this post…
How is it possible? How is it real that she has been gone for almost 5 years.
Why? I know I know I know. We aren’t supposed to ask that. I am supposed to trust in your reasons. I’m not supposed to wish it to be anybody but mine.
I don’t know how.
She was just a baby. She suffered. So much.
They ask me. So many parents of kids like her ask me if she knew. I don’t even know. Why didn’t you equip me better to help her then? Why don’t you help me more now?
It’s still so hard. Sometimes. Not all the time anymore. But damnit. Its so hard. And I’m f-ing pissed off at you for it. I’m still so mad at you. I’m always going to be so mad at you.
Does she know how to read? Does she know how to ride a bike?
Why is she so distant. Why is so hard to feel her. I just want to know what its like. I want to know if she is still growing. I want to know what she looks like. I want to know who her friends are. I want to know.
I want to know.
Damn you. I want to know.
You let me down. More than I ever imagined you would. You let her hurt. you let her be scared.
You let me , let her hurt. You let me,let her be scared.
What the hell God. Why?
Hey. Please hold her for me.
Don’t fix her headband. She likes to wear it in the middle of her forehead like that. Play music for her.. let her dance. She loves to dance.
Tell her I love her. Please. Please. Tell her I’m sorry.
Take her swimming. She loves to swim. Let her help with the babies. She wanted to be a Mama so much.
I’m so mad at you God. I can feel my rage pulsate through me. But I need you. I don’t know how to do this on my own. I don’t know how. I know I can’t survive this on my own.
I’m scared of how powerful these feelings can still be.
I’m scared of the times they aren’t.
I’m scared of the rest of my life. To sort through all of this.
Please. Help me. Be stronger. And patient. Help me be brave.
…help us find a cure.
please God help us find a cure..