Category: anger

Dear Jennifer

..continued from this blog.. which is continued from this one. I love you. I miss you. Its hard to feel both of those things. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not always strong enough to do that. Do you know how sorry I am? I have so much I would have done differently for you at that end of your little life. I’m sorry baby girl. Im sorry I was selfish. I didn’t even realize it at the time. I know you are here. Jennifer. I know it. Right now. I know you are right here with me. I can somehow know you are next to me on this couch. But I don’t know how to feel you. I don’t know how to embrace you without my arms. But I know you are here. I know you are so much wiser than me. I know you forgive me. But I don’t[…]

Dear God

… continued from this post… How is it possible? How is it real that she has been gone for almost 5 years. Why? I know I know I know. We aren’t supposed to ask that. I am supposed to trust in your reasons. I’m not supposed to wish it to be anybody but mine. I don’t know how. She was just a baby. She suffered. So much. They ask me. So many parents of kids like her ask me if she knew. I don’t even know. Why didn’t you equip me better to help her then? Why don’t you help me more now? It’s still so hard. Sometimes. Not all the time anymore. But damnit. Its so hard. And I’m f-ing pissed off at you for it. I’m still so mad at you. I’m always going to be so mad at you. Why? Does she know how to read? Does[…]

inside out

Its a grind for us all right now. Just passing our 2 year anniversary of her diagnosis and birthday. Its like the start of our really hard time. And frankly we just really don’t want to do it. I am mad. I am angry. I have done this all before and I just don’t want to have to do it all again. Now its not the fear of the unknown.. It’s the known. But we already did it. We already had a Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years Eve without her.. And I don’t want to have to face it again. Halloween was good. We had fun. .. But it was so hard. A grind. Like gravity is so much stronger right now. This force and pull pushing and forcing me down. I should say us. Because my husband .. He is struggling too.. For all the same reasons. Its[…]

i heard

I often talk about the good parts of me that Jennifer missed out on. The ways I have changed to be a better parent that she so deserved. . I have talked how my surviving kids have a different mommy. One that cries.. not everyday anymore.. but at times when a mommy isn’t supposed to be crying. Holidays. Birthdays. Celebrations. And little moments.. too. Walking into Costco and seeing a costume I think she would have loved.. well at 6 she would have loved. I have no idea what a nearly 8 year old girl would have picked out. .. I am busy now.. work from home.. Stopping playing to take a phone call. Away overnight to get to share our story.. I knew all of that. But somethings I didn’t know. Nicholas wants to watch a lot of Jennifer videos lately. And the other day I heard it. My[…]

18 months gone

18 months. I simply can’t believe it. officially a year and half since I have touched you.. since i have felt your warm breath in my face. 18 months since i have seen a new goofy pose for the camera.. I am still in shock over how badly it hurts. Over how much I notice the hole. I think I somehow thought by now I would be more adjusted to this new normal. But I am not. I get asked all the time at the end of this pregnancy if I am hoping for another girl.. if I am ready for a 4th. I smile and say its our 5th we have another daughter. Rarely do people follow up with another question. Yesterday a woman did.. Handing out a sample to my kids at Costco she asked where the other girl was. I told her she was in heaven. She didn’t[…]

cancer survivor day

Cancer survival day. 2 years ago I didn’t even know something like this existed.. and if I did it was simply a blip in my day. Not a grinding and scratching reminder of what Jennifer is not. I thought it would just be one day staring me in the face. I was wrong. There is build up.. Its truly a wonderful thing to celebrate. .. I am just so horribly jealous that I can’t be part of it. I’m long over lamenting being part of the cancer community as a whole, I have met some of the greatest people in my life through it..  But I hate that I am, that we are,  the losers. A tumor in just a slightly different place in her brain.. it could have been the difference between life and death. . It certainly would have been at least a chance. With my 6 yr[…]

ultimate graduation

Its been a really full past few days. So much going on with Unravel. 2 MNO coming up and a golf tournament.. A few different interviews and our fluttering kits going on sale.. Its been easy to escape into it all.. Its been hard to escape into it all.. Will I ever not need to actively grieve? Will I ever be ok to go more than a day without crying without a crushing weight bearing down on me? I don’t know.. I really don’t. But I am starting to worry I may never. That losing my eldest child is truly so horrible I will never not have to succumb. . even just a little every day. Along with Unravel we had sickness that has kept us homebound for several days. Jonathan missed his last day of preschool because of it. That was ok though, because he seems to be battling[…]

glass case

I have been gone.. been out of touch for so long.. i feel like I should write about the trip to Seattle and our family trip to bereavement camp.. I will.. but I can’t. Right now there is literally nothing else inside of me right now except the incredible want for my daughter. This is new. I don’t think I have ever felt this way. Utterly, devastatingly hollow. To describe me as a shell isn’t accurate.. A shell is stronger.. thicker than I feel right now. Charlotte only wants Jonathan .. constantly asking for him to buckle her in.. or hold her hand down the stairs or a new one just now.. Put her to bed. As I listened to them get her snuggled in I couldn’t help but realize how very much I understand. I just want Jennifer. So much. So powerful. So strong. Nothing else will do. We[…]

rulebook

I need this.. this moment to myself and with myself. . about me right now.. I want to purge. But I feel so much like a bottle thats been shook and shook.. so full its impossible to take the lid off safely. jennifer. jennifer. jennifer The candle above was how she was represented with our extended family this Easter.. My daughter.. A candle. How did this possibly happen? I can’t do this. I really don’t think I am equipped to handle this. Their needs… their baggage so heavy. .. so confusing along with my own. My needs.. my grief.. my own grostesegely scarred heart struggling day to day. How can I care for theirs? I’m not strong enough. I just want to lay down and sleep. Not have to worry about anybody else’s needs but just time to lick my own wounds. Because their hurts just deepen my own. I[…]

the right place

I wrote once about signs.. wondering if I had little hints and glimpses into this life I would one day be handed.. Today I realized too that maybe I have been in training for it all along too..Here is that journal.. its pretty incredible to me how much I seem to have always know.. without knowing.. My mom said today that she struggled with God.. but one thing that helped was the miracle that is my blog.. That He must be helping me write the way I have.. reaching out and into people the way that I have been able to. So it hit me.. this isn’t the first time I have actually done that. When we were struggling with infertility and miscarriages I was part of this forum of woman. In the beginning I didn’t know any of them.. so I poured myself out to them .. feeling safe[…]