i heard

I often talk about the good parts of me that Jennifer missed out on. The ways I have changed to be a better parent that she so deserved. . I have talked how my surviving kids have a different mommy. One that cries.. not everyday anymore.. but at times when a mommy isn’t supposed to be crying. Holidays. Birthdays. Celebrations. And little moments.. too. Walking into Costco and seeing a costume I think she would have loved.. well at 6 she would have loved. I have no idea what a nearly 8 year old girl would have picked out. ..

I am busy now.. work from home.. Stopping playing to take a phone call. Away overnight to get to share our story.. I knew all of that. But somethings I didn’t know.

They love to be apart of things with Unravel. Helping put together the programs took 3 times as long with help.. But it was worth it.
They love to be a part of things with Unravel. Helping put together the programs took 3 times as long with help.. But it was worth it.

Nicholas wants to watch a lot of Jennifer videos lately. And the other day I heard it. My voice. Talking to her from behind the screen. It was higher .. lighter.. different. I didn’t know that had changed. But I cried hearing it. That realization hitting me full force with the truth… Even my voice has changed.

oh I’m so sorry you guys.. 

I looked over at Tony who rarely can stomach watching videos of her but had stayed in the room because it mattered to Nicholas .. I told him I haven’t heard myself talk like that since before she died. And I had no idea.

i love them so much. so much. but my voice doesn’t show that anymore. 

My voice used to be so full of love of adoration, for all of them not just her. But somehow that sound has been choked out of me. Its just different now. Maybe it was innocent love that just came out naturally.. because after hearing that I tried. I mean really tried to get my voice back there again. .. But I can’t.

The love most certainly isn’t gone.. but the innocence within it is. My love for them is intertwined with a underlying and constant fear..

please please not again..

I have put in a real effort though.. to do more of the simple things I did with her. I’m glad for that, we are all enjoying that.. But I want them to hear the love. To see it. I think they do. To feel it. I hope they do.

 

Charlotte and I baking one of Jennifer's favorite snacks. .. gluten free cheese crackers.
Charlotte and I baking one of Jennifer’s favorite snacks. .. gluten free cheese crackers.

 

But I want them to hear it too. Always. No matter what I am saying I want them to hear it like I think she did.

I’m mad about it. A simple little thing. That I cannot control. I wonder what else there is that I haven’t even realized yet…

 

sissy

i hope you heard my love

until you took your last breath

no matter my words

i hope you still hear my love.

DSC_0894 (1)

…until there is a cure…

 

6 Responses to “i heard”

  1. I know she hears…because not one time did we go out to flutter, did my girls NOT see a dragonfly…I mean EVERYDAY we saw a dragonfly, and each of my girls would say, “there she is reminding us to flutter! ” and if that doesn’t mean something…a pair of girls, too young to know Jennnifer, but definitely touched by her! She hears and feels the love, I just know it! Thank you for the honor of fluttering, and allowing us to give back!

  2. She hears you. Please know she does. ♡ Thinking of you all always. Thinking of Jennifer everyday. For them because of her. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  3. Libby, Your words are profound to those of us who follow your blog. Jennifer Lynn is in your heart. She will always know, feel, and hear how much you love her.

    God Bless your beautiful family!

    Loved listening to you speak at Mama’s Night Out! You are an inspiration … until there is a cure …

  4. Libby — your words are raw. Grief changes us physically so much…your voice can’t be the same because you aren’t. I wish a million times over that you didn’t have to go through this — but your kids are getting something positive — strength. They have seen you go through the absolute worst thing possible and get back up because of the love you feel for them. Not a lesson I think any of us really wants to teach our kids — but they will be stronger and probably leaders because of who you have become. They are helping you to change the world.

  5. Your voice is still filled with love for your family–that can’t even be questioned. You may be deeper now and more somber-voiced, and your message is carrying forth to everyone who Fluttered, who worked with Unravel to get this vital message out. Your voice is doing important work.

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