I often talk about the good parts of me that Jennifer missed out on. The ways I have changed to be a better parent that she so deserved. . I have talked how my surviving kids have a different mommy. One that cries.. not everyday anymore.. but at times when a mommy isn’t supposed to be crying. Holidays. Birthdays. Celebrations. And little moments.. too. Walking into Costco and seeing a costume I think she would have loved.. well at 6 she would have loved. I have no idea what a nearly 8 year old girl would have picked out. ..
I am busy now.. work from home.. Stopping playing to take a phone call. Away overnight to get to share our story.. I knew all of that. But somethings I didn’t know.
Nicholas wants to watch a lot of Jennifer videos lately. And the other day I heard it. My voice. Talking to her from behind the screen. It was higher .. lighter.. different. I didn’t know that had changed. But I cried hearing it. That realization hitting me full force with the truth… Even my voice has changed.
oh I’m so sorry you guys..
I looked over at Tony who rarely can stomach watching videos of her but had stayed in the room because it mattered to Nicholas .. I told him I haven’t heard myself talk like that since before she died. And I had no idea.
i love them so much. so much. but my voice doesn’t show that anymore.
My voice used to be so full of love of adoration, for all of them not just her. But somehow that sound has been choked out of me. Its just different now. Maybe it was innocent love that just came out naturally.. because after hearing that I tried. I mean really tried to get my voice back there again. .. But I can’t.
The love most certainly isn’t gone.. but the innocence within it is. My love for them is intertwined with a underlying and constant fear..
please please not again..
I have put in a real effort though.. to do more of the simple things I did with her. I’m glad for that, we are all enjoying that.. But I want them to hear the love. To see it. I think they do. To feel it. I hope they do.
But I want them to hear it too. Always. No matter what I am saying I want them to hear it like I think she did.
I’m mad about it. A simple little thing. That I cannot control. I wonder what else there is that I haven’t even realized yet…
i hope you heard my love
until you took your last breath
no matter my words
i hope you still hear my love.
…until there is a cure…