My head is swimming. I feel like I am in a room without a vacuum. Like I am trapped behind glass and I can’t get back to the real world.
Because today I was terrified I was going to come full circle.
Jonathan. He just started kinder and just turned 6. Jennifer. She started kinder and then her eyes started to change. One started turning inward. Subtle at first I though she was doing it on purpose.
His eyes are changing now too. He just turned 6. He just started kindergarten.
I tried to avoid noticing. Tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. But it is. Tony and I never talked about it. Other than me telling him not to get mad at him for it. Not to scold him since I knew for sure it was out of Jonathan’s control.
But last night in the middle of the night feeding the baby it was too much for me to run from. I decided to call today. Push to get him in today. I picked him up from school.
her school.. his school .. their school..
I told him where we were going and immediately he got upset. “No Mom no I don’t want to go. ”
Does he know this part of her story? Is that why when we would remind him to try to relax his face he would insist he wasn’t doing anything and change his face a different way? Has he been scared?
We got there. I parked. We eat in a nearby restaurant and I never let Tony park on that side. That’s how much I hate that place. But I know they are good.. and local..
I remembered everything. Parking next to the bush filled with bees. Remembering how nervous she was to walk past it. I remembered as I got out the snap and go stroller … it was like a vortex of the past and present swirling together.. I got 4 kids out of the car and we went in.. I remembered doing exactly that almost 2 years ago.
We were taken back. I helped him hold his head still. He was shaking. I wasn’t. I was sucked in… barely breathing. Because I knew if I allowed myself one deep breath I would break apart. Break open.
We went further back. The same room. I remembered the pictures on the desk. He sat in the chair.
Same uniform. Bright blue shirt and navy bottoms.
I wonder if I was able to hold but the fear in my eyes?
Before she left the nurse said the dr usually likes to see the kids alone. I told her no. She left the room and he looked like he wanted to run to me… i noticed his dirty hands gripping the seats and he searched me with his eyes. He said “please mom I don’t want you to leave me in this room alone” I told him I most certainly wouldn’t. That I might step out to explain it to the dr for a minute but I would leave the other kids with him.
“You are mine son. This I get to decide.”
He seemed to relax a little. In the back of my head though I feared.. I remembered how often things happen that I don’t get to decide. How often I had to leave her..
I quickly told the dr our history out of the room. I couldn’t be sure what Jonathan remembered and didn’t…
During the exam Nicholas was silent. He sat and watched and only moved when the dr blocked his view. Im not sure if he knows this portion of Jennifer’s story. That I thought she would need glasses so I took her to the eye dr who then sent us to a specialist who sent us to get a MRI..
But I know he distrusts drs when it comes to those he loves. I know he intently watches wanting to know is happening.
I wanted a problem. Near sighted.. far sighted.. I wanted to be sent home with glasses.. Ironic since I was so worried nearly 2 years ago about the potential for her to have glasses.. But today I willed there to be something.. Something to explain the sudden squinting. But he checked out fine…. She did too..
She did too..
We weren’t referred out to a specialist this time though.. So likely he is just fine. .. And he seems genuinely relieved.
I am not though. I am shaken. This shook me. Scared me. I am locked away .. somewhere deep inside myself. Like so much of me is in turmoil inside I am distant from today.. removed from my right now. Unable to connect…
I don’t trust myself to know what to do. What the right thing to do is. I’ve always known what to do. ..I think he is ok. I should just let it go. But what if I am wrong? There is no gut feeling..
I need to talk to Tony about it. But I feel like saying the words might make it real. Like it might breath life into the shadows. .. Like all cancer parents I am not scared of the “what if” but rather the “what did”.
Today I was terrified I was going to come full circle. I’m not… we aren’t.. but its hard to shake that level of fear.
jennifer i am scared
i don’t know what to do
i am forever scared.
…until there is a cure..