Well hello there.. It feels like forever since I have written… Like a lifetime ago.. Which happily I guess it was. Our dandelion wish arrived. A baby girl we named Bridgette Avari Kranz. Her middle name means gift from the heavens.. and we know she is simply just that.
We didn’t know gender or when the baby would come.. but we knew the baby would be blonde.. She wasn’t brown hair just like Jennifers and the same long fingers. .. Like her older siblings she will always carry a piece of her biggest sister with her.
Then we had Nicholas’ 4th birthday and just yesterday we had Jonathan’s, his 6th birthday.
Six. Unbelievable. We measured him on the wall we have marked with all their heights. He is the same height Jennifer was. I have found myself touching his head a lot today. Trying to remember what it felt like when it was hers.. I think I can. I think I remember the smoothness of her hair. I know I remember the smell. I still buy and use the gluten free shampoo I used for her.. and the lotion I massaged her with nightly for all those nights we spent away from home during her treatment.
But none of the rest of him turning 6 has sunk into me. That scares me. It shows me my brain is refusing to let my heart feel the impact that it has. Its just surreal.. but I know the time will come when the reality strikes me. I just hope I am somewhat prepared for it.. And I hope I can find time to blog about it.
I planned on taking time off.. try to get me to have a real maternity leave. I have had somethings to do.. but its slow going. Baby #5 is quite the handful!
Yes our Bridgette. She is finally here.. Her birth. Something that I both looked forward to and was terrified of. Could I love this child? Would I feel like I was trying to replace Jennifer?
Yes and no. Immediately. Immediately I knew that once she was in my arms. And while I labored I knew my first born was present.
She sent me so many signs. So many. And I knew she was there. .. here.. So much about this labor was wildly different than the others. I had time to think.. to connect between contractions.
I held her keepsake in my hand. I sang to her.. maybe even with her and I stared at her picture. I looked in the eyes and felt like we communicated without words. Just like we did the days leading up to her final breath.
And Bridgette came.. a girl. Another daughter. A living sister for Charlotte. And immediately I loved her. I thanked Jennifer and I loved Bridgette.
Before she was born I was certain I didn’t want the new baby to share Jennifer’s room.. But once she was here I knew that was actually the right choice. And for the first time since we had talked about changing that room all the kids were in full agreement. It just seemed to settle in and feel right to all of us.
Here is a video slideshow of her birthday if you are into that sort of thing.
We had a crossfit fundraiser this weekend and getting the chance to get back in the gym.. to grieve the unique way that place allows me too.. it made me have a need to carve out time to write. Not so much today to get into the nitty gritty.. but just to connect. .. to talk to me again the way I seem to be able to sitting in front of a computer screen.
But for me now this is enough.. to just get started because I know so much is lurking below the surface. Too much to touch tonight..
thank you jennifer
this gift you have given us..
for them because of you.
…until there is a cure..