Category: after death

Dear God

… continued from this post… How is it possible? How is it real that she has been gone for almost 5 years. Why? I know I know I know. We aren’t supposed to ask that. I am supposed to trust in your reasons. I’m not supposed to wish it to be anybody but mine. I don’t know how. She was just a baby. She suffered. So much. They ask me. So many parents of kids like her ask me if she knew. I don’t even know. Why didn’t you equip me better to help her then? Why don’t you help me more now? It’s still so hard. Sometimes. Not all the time anymore. But damnit. Its so hard. And I’m f-ing pissed off at you for it. I’m still so mad at you. I’m always going to be so mad at you. Why? Does she know how to read? Does[…]

hiding

This time of year when I will constantly make.. and then break plans. Where I will commit over and over again to being a better mom, to take them out more and do more… Commit to being a better friend.. And then I won’t be. I will find any reason and excuse to cancel plans. And I feel terribly about it. But I can’t seem to stop. Every night I tell myself I won’t do it. I won’t cancel. .. And sometimes I don’t.. but more often than not I do. . I hate it and I wish I could change it.. Because I get scared. .. that at some point it will be enough is enough.. That the “my daughter died” excuse of life will just become old and tired..  That my children and my husband will be impacted because of the way I cope with my grief .. especially[…]

contagious

Its not contagious. Thats one of the early things you tell a child about cancer. As their friend/sister is battling.. You can’t catch it from them. Seems like a good thing.. But maybe not… In New York we went to the American Museum of Natural History. One exhibit I wanted to see was the one on disease. I didn’t expect it to impact me so emotionally.. But it did. Silent tears fell .. just a few.. I remember I had my arms wrapped around me.. tighter and tighter… I guess thats what I do. I instinctively hold myself.. I don’t think I ever did that before.. is it you? do you make me do that now? I had given Bridgette to Tony so I could really read each sign. .. and tears started to fill my eyes. So many thoughts .. anger and sadness piling up. And surprising me. I[…]

her same long fingers

Her fuzzy head was nuzzled against me. It was a very rare moment for me with Bridgette. My 5th child and by far our most difficult. .. sent to us from her sister in heaven that I can imagine giggling just a little for sending us this little high needs creature. So I was so appreciative of that moment. Her sleeping next to me as the sun came up .. giving me a few extra moments to lay in bed before starting our day. … but suddenly the carpet was swept out from under me. I was pulled away by my own mind from the simple beauty of the moment. To a time 2 years ago .. snuggling another fuzzy headed baby in my bed. Baby Charlotte was just 9 months when her sister left us for heaven. The day after I was broken. Battered. Quitting. I refused to get[…]

i heard

I often talk about the good parts of me that Jennifer missed out on. The ways I have changed to be a better parent that she so deserved. . I have talked how my surviving kids have a different mommy. One that cries.. not everyday anymore.. but at times when a mommy isn’t supposed to be crying. Holidays. Birthdays. Celebrations. And little moments.. too. Walking into Costco and seeing a costume I think she would have loved.. well at 6 she would have loved. I have no idea what a nearly 8 year old girl would have picked out. .. I am busy now.. work from home.. Stopping playing to take a phone call. Away overnight to get to share our story.. I knew all of that. But somethings I didn’t know. Nicholas wants to watch a lot of Jennifer videos lately. And the other day I heard it. My[…]

jennifer lynn kranz

I am so grateful for pictures. I feel like without them I am losing her. Like she becomes a figment of my imagination. A almost mythical creature that I make up who she is. But then I get lost in pictures and I remember. .. Her. Jennifer. My daughter. I have worried since the day she died I wouldn’t ever remember her healthy. I still struggle with that .. a lot. But now I worry I will forget her. The real her. That she will become just a memory to me.. A twisted incorrect version of who she really was. That’s horrible. Its something I never want to admit to myself let alone out loud. But its the truth. It is a fear of mine that makes me feel like a terrible mom to her.. Which is strange because in so many ways her memory right now consumes me.. Even[…]

we all have 2 books

I think we all have 2 books we are assigned.. The first one.. our book of life. It holds all the chapters of our lives.. And the second.. well I am not at all sure about this book.. because I think it starts when the first book closes.. And I am still in midst of my life story. So many chapters I think you count on when you have a child..  Chapters you dream about and chapters you dread and many like their wedding are a mix of both. .. Sometimes those chapters never get written .. Its hard as a parent to wrap your mind around the fact that their book is done.. I find myself flipping through imaginary pages crying over the stark white staring back at me. Those never written words in our child’s book permanently alters all subsequent chapters in ours.. It was never our plan..[…]

questions without answers

I have been so busy with Unravel things lately.. I have found little time to truly grieve. But now I have a empty and quiet home. My living babies tucked safely in their beds and my husband out with friends.. I sit and I stare off.. and I cry. So much. Unable to really even focus on what I am thinking.. just knowing that I miss my daughter terribly. My hurting still so deep an d Am I doing this wrong? Is it normal to still hurt so desperately? To still need so much time to just fall completely apart? My hurting still so deep and visceral. I feel raw. Exposed and so vulnerable. That when I go so many days without writing.. without digging in .. that when I finally sit and do it I find myself crying so vocally I have to cover my mouth.. afraid my pain[…]

release me

I am angry. I am frustrated. I miss my daughter. My sons. My husband. Me. I want to be free of it.. released from the repressive grip this newly emerging emotion has over me. I miss the old me.. my old life. Now all my social gatherings revolve around Unravel.. and if they don’t I find myself swimming in work later. I never wanted this kind of busy. I just wanted to be a tired Mama of 4..I thought that was hard.. Until I found out how exhausting being mommy to child in heaven is. I miss my Jennifer. I look at her pictures lately and just immediately cry. She is frozen in time while all her friends and cousins are growing up. She was a good girl. Not perfect.. but a good kind hearted child and I looked forward to seeing who she would become. I am just so[…]

the longest line

This time last year Tony and I were on the best trip of our lives. A trip to surprise trip to Disneyland with just Jennfier and baby Charlotte. She was 7 months old so totally easy and flexible. The trip was all about Jennifer, what she wanted to do and when she wanted to do it. It was perfect. We had so much fun. She had so much fun. She was so happy to be all done with radiation. We thought this was just the start of a honeymoon period most kids with DIPG get.. a time to make memories and pack a lifetime in. We were so lucky to get gifted two incredible days there. One with a tour guide taking us through the crowded park and the other day with passes for her favorite rides.    We will forever be grateful for the generosity that allowed us to[…]