You know that feeling when you have on pants that are too tight.. (really I want to say bra but trying to make this applicable to the handful of guys that might read this) .. How at first its just a little uncomfortable… Maybe you yank on them to unsuccessfully try to loosen them.. Or pull them up hoping that if you get them just a little bit higher the pressure can be released. ..

but it never does. it never really works.

Eventually you are desperate to get them off. And its pretty much all you can think about.

And you don’t dare unbutton one button.. because if you do… they wont stay up anymore .. you will lose all control of your situation. Plus you’re too scared that if by some miracle they do stay up someone will notice that top button undone anyways…

So you wait .. you calculate how long it will be til you get home. Longing for the release and comfort of space.

That’s me.

Its been me for weeks.

Aching for the the one that made me a mom.. longing for the release of just allowing myself to miss her.. Today it threatened to overwhelm me. The tightness nearly choking me.. I told myself I just had to get through the kids activities .. Just push..

I almost didn’t make it. ..

I felt so fragile and so very vulnerable. I longed to just be able to walk and cry. To be able to melt into the warmth and broken strength of my Tonys arms..

To just unravel..

jennifer lynn i miss you more than words could ever describe

She would be 17 now. How is that even possible? She’s still just my baby girl. My arms still ache for the weight of her.

Im so broken right now.

Im scared of myself.

Usually the words can flow out of me.. My soul speaking through my fingers. But tonight its disjointed. I am overwhelmed with thoughts.. words.. moments and memories all rushing to the surface unable to wait their turn any longer to be released. The top button is undone and I cannot hold them up any longer..

Recently a friend shared how much they love the movie Coco and before I could stop myself I said how much I hate it.. So much guilt in it. .. Because if we stop talking about our loved ones that have passed on they fade away.. I let her down in this life.. My biggest fear is that I am letting her down in the next..

jennifer lynn i miss you more than words could ever describe

“So is it true what they say? That is get easier?” another friend asked..

No. .. well yes . . kinda both. Its easier day to day. As disgusting as it is to say you get used to it. .. but also harder ..

… Because you get used to it.

The distance from the grief also… It makes it harder and easier. If I told a stranger I am struggling because my daughter died 11 days ago.. they would grieve right there with me.. but 11 years ago.. It sounds so different to another persons ear.. but from my heart to my mouth..

my broken heart doesn’t know the difference.

It just hurts.

11 days… I could walk around with my pants around my ankles and wouldn’t get a second glance. . But 11 years. . I gotta have it zipped up..

And Im tired.

11 years of missing her. Its a shockingly heavy load.

Im just tired.

Tired of the longing. Of the wondering who she would be. .. Of the crippling fear that I will forget the golden flecks in her eyes. And that I don’t keep her real anymore..

jennifer lynn i miss you more than words could ever describe

I know I talk about her.. I know those of you that sit through me sharing about her year after year at our gala .. you hear me talk about her.. but she is so much more than just that.. So much more than just a diagnosis.. So much more then the beast that stole her. So much more than my failure to protect her..

jennifer lynn i miss you more than words could ever describe

And im scared .. how do i even admit this to you..

but you already know my fears dont you buggers

I don’t know how to do this.. How my heart still beats. (yes I do. my 5 living loves) Still 11 years later. I dont know how the hell to do this.

but thats also a lie isnt it? Because I do know how to do this..

Its why I have been quite literally counting down the days .. then minutes to this. To the sweet relief hidden in allowing myself to simply feel my grief. Tears pouring.. words escaping through my fingertips.. Sorrow from my depths.. Waiting until the house is quiet.. The space I have longed for .. gifted in the pain.

I know its there. I know I can breath.

I can probably even button those pants back up and find they fit again.. The years have stretched them out to fit this broken hearted body of mine ..

So I do what i do. I make an empty commitment to do this more often .. To allow myself to revisit the hope in the dark.. Because I feel so much more beyond the ache right now.. I feel better than I have in months. ..

But I know I wont. Over Jennifers anniversary I will go away to the be near the beach and the ocean.. her happy place. . So much what I imagine her heaven to be like..

And I’ll bring with me the only place I can still feel safe .. Tonys arms.. And we will walk and cry til we are emptied.. Then I will come back feeling so impossibly close to her again..

Because thats the beauty of this pain.. It brings her so close to me.. I can breathe her in right now.

My daughter

jennifer lynn i miss you more than words could ever describe

but bigger than that missing is my love

for you

which only my soul could ever describe

and

i know you hear that

…until there is a cure..