Category: growing up in grief

Dear fabulous four ..

final blog continued from this entry.. I love you. I screw up with you guys. I know that. I have all these plans and thoughts in my heads of how I am going to do and be so much better. And I screw it up. Lately its been because I have been scared. Its hard work to be sad. Its hard work to allow yourself to hurt. Big. Real Hurts. Losing your sister is my biggest hurt. And I hope so much it always is. *make smart choices I need her to always be my biggest hurt* But you will have your hurts. Big. Real hurts in your lives. So I hope you learn from me. I hope you learn what it means to be brave and strong. Its not what most people think. Its allowing pain. Its dealing with it. Its embracing it. Its learning from it. And when[…]

Dear Jennifer

..continued from this blog.. which is continued from this one. I love you. I miss you. Its hard to feel both of those things. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not always strong enough to do that. Do you know how sorry I am? I have so much I would have done differently for you at that end of your little life. I’m sorry baby girl. Im sorry I was selfish. I didn’t even realize it at the time. I know you are here. Jennifer. I know it. Right now. I know you are right here with me. I can somehow know you are next to me on this couch. But I don’t know how to feel you. I don’t know how to embrace you without my arms. But I know you are here. I know you are so much wiser than me. I know you forgive me. But I don’t[…]

cancer beat me

I say the words that I know I will always grieve her.. but lately.. really this whole past year I’ve just been mad about all of it.. And fighting like hell to deny it all too.. Been doing fairly well at it.. And had a distorted sense of pride about it .. But not sure I have the fortitude to keep going like this.. Cuz see I know. I know it’s not fair to my kids to be denying my ache anymore because it starts to impact them. I am far less patient than I should be.. I am ready for them to go to bed before bedtime.. I am always squeezing to just hold it together. I swore I would never ever be like this.. I dug in.. I dug in so hard for so many nights after she died.. And it helped. It allowed me the space to[…]

waiting for the shoe to drop

A common saying I had no idea where it came from .. but its been chasing itself around my head the last few days.. So I had to find out .. according to wiktionary Etymology : A common experience of tenement living in apartment-style housing in New York City, and other large cities, during the manufacturing boom of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Apartments were built, similar in design, with the bedrooms located directly above and underneath one another. Thus, it was normal to hear a neighbor removing their shoes in the apartment above. As one shoe made a sound hitting the floor, the expectation for the other shoe to make a similar disturbance was created. I was kinda the opposite of this. I honestly was walking around fairly confident in regards to my children there were no other shoes that could drop.. I have been more scared of[…]

kick.kick.breathe.

You ever been in the water.. and you start to get tired and your stroke gets slower and you sink a little deeper .. or like when you are in the current and you stop fighting it and let it pull you … That’s what grief is like I think.. Sometimes its too strong and you simply are unable to resist its pull on you.. Especially in the beginning.. because really you are only just learning to swim. But then you learn.. you have to right? So then you feel it happening and you kick against it.. Just a few strong kicks will bring you back to the surface and you can gulp in air. It happened to me today. pull. kick. kick. breathe .. but first I’ll rewind.. Two days ago I took my 4 younger kids with me to go see their sister. .. the living .. growing..[…]

muscle memory

They call it muscle memory.. mus·cle mem·o·ry noun 1. the ability to reproduce a particular movement without conscious thought, acquired as a result of frequent repetition of that movement. Yup. Both boys are struggling. Jonathan started first. His teacher came out and spoke to me after school.. He was getting in trouble at home.. Nothing major just acting out. .. and needy. Nothing seems to be enough for him. My first thought was Jennifer.. Because I knew the time was coming. .. But I do not ever want to force grief upon them.. or excuse poor behavior because their sister died. So we looked.. we tried to find other reasons.. and actually thought we had.. ..but the behavior continued. Then Nicholas’ teacher asked to speak with me.. Worried about him. He was pulling inward.. not acting like himself.. oh sweet boy Still. I didn’t want to immediately think it was[…]

 It is warmth. It is joy. It is full.

I’ve always known .. well I guess not always since I never in my wildest fears imagined this being our life.. But since she was put on hospice care I knew our kids would each take their own paths on their grief journeys. I remember them teaching us how our kids would each re-live the loss of their sister as they hit new cognitive and emotional milestones.. So I’ve know it.. It should be no surprise .. but it always is. I share all of this now for them.. An addendum to my letter to them.. (shared here) for them to know what I know. We were recently talking about the girl I believe to our Jennifer’s best friend. How it was 11 years since her family said their final goodbye to her. We talked about what we could do to support Brecken’s family. It brought to the surface each[…]

six

Six. Never has a number had such power over me. Forever 6. My eldest child is eternally six years old.. Told on that birthday that she wouldn’t make it see seven. Her younger brother is 7.. and tomorrow her baby brother will also be 6. how? How is that even possible. Her bubbas.. I woke him this morning like I do the every morning before their birthdays.. Welcoming them to their final day of their current age. . But as I said the words .. ” Wake up to your last day of 5..” I felt a rush of cold through my veins. A cold and palpable fear. please help me keep him safe..  I’ve heard that military/police term of “watch your 6”.. and its resonated lately.. I had a feeling as to what it meant.. But I looked it up to be sure.. the defintion.. “6:00 is what lies[…]

belated and genuine thank you

When Jennifer was still here fighting and I started blogging I feel like everyday I had big realizations and break throughs.. After she died it was the same. I was constantly making huge deep connections within myself.. Now its rarer that it happens.. In part because its just harder to carve out this much needed time to sit and “talk” with myself.. And because maybe that’s another sign of my growth within this journey.. Not having the need to be making so many life defining or changing realizations.. But it happened recently.. and once they started I feel like its been happening a lot.. I have so much bottled up inside.. not so paitiently waiting for me to make the time to sit like this.. To take it out and look at it and begin to understand it. Texas. We recently went there for Unravel. .. I’ve always wanted to[…]

it changed me.. over and over again

New normal. New life.. Ive always known this was my truth. .. One I have lived many times before. I think our lives constantly change.. Often times in ways we don’t realize until we look back. Life after infertility treatment.. I thought it changed me. Changed the way I related to other people.. changed the way I looked at getting to be a parent. .. Becoming a parent, each time, I thought it changed me. Each of these little people I have been given is so different and they have changed the way I view the world. Hearing the words “Your child has cancer”. I thought it changed me. It made me question everything I had previously thought about the world surrounding me.. February 12th taught me those things altered me.. but that day.. her last day. That day has truly changed me. I have many of the same qualities[…]