Category: growing up in grief

muscle memory

They call it muscle memory.. mus·cle mem·o·ry noun 1. the ability to reproduce a particular movement without conscious thought, acquired as a result of frequent repetition of that movement. Yup. Both boys are struggling. Jonathan started first. His teacher came out and spoke to me after school.. He was getting in trouble at home.. Nothing major just acting out. .. and needy. Nothing seems to be enough for him. My first thought was Jennifer.. Because I knew the time was coming. .. But I do not ever want to force grief upon them.. or excuse poor behavior because their sister died. So we looked.. we tried to find other reasons.. and actually thought we had.. ..but the behavior continued. Then Nicholas’ teacher asked to speak with me.. Worried about him. He was pulling inward.. not acting like himself.. oh sweet boy Still. I didn’t want to immediately think it was[…]

 It is warmth. It is joy. It is full.

I’ve always known .. well I guess not always since I never in my wildest fears imagined this being our life.. But since she was put on hospice care I knew our kids would each take their own paths on their grief journeys. I remember them teaching us how our kids would each re-live the loss of their sister as they hit new cognitive and emotional milestones.. So I’ve know it.. It should be no surprise .. but it always is. I share all of this now for them.. An addendum to my letter to them.. (shared here) for them to know what I know. We were recently talking about the girl I believe to our Jennifer’s best friend. How it was 11 years since her family said their final goodbye to her. We talked about what we could do to support Brecken’s family. It brought to the surface each[…]

six

Six. Never has a number had such power over me. Forever 6. My eldest child is eternally six years old.. Told on that birthday that she wouldn’t make it see seven. Her younger brother is 7.. and tomorrow her baby brother will also be 6. how? How is that even possible. Her bubbas.. I woke him this morning like I do the every morning before their birthdays.. Welcoming them to their final day of their current age. . But as I said the words .. ” Wake up to your last day of 5..” I felt a rush of cold through my veins. A cold and palpable fear. please help me keep him safe..  I’ve heard that military/police term of “watch your 6”.. and its resonated lately.. I had a feeling as to what it meant.. But I looked it up to be sure.. the defintion.. “6:00 is what lies[…]

belated and genuine thank you

When Jennifer was still here fighting and I started blogging I feel like everyday I had big realizations and break throughs.. After she died it was the same. I was constantly making huge deep connections within myself.. Now its rarer that it happens.. In part because its just harder to carve out this much needed time to sit and “talk” with myself.. And because maybe that’s another sign of my growth within this journey.. Not having the need to be making so many life defining or changing realizations.. But it happened recently.. and once they started I feel like its been happening a lot.. I have so much bottled up inside.. not so paitiently waiting for me to make the time to sit like this.. To take it out and look at it and begin to understand it. Texas. We recently went there for Unravel. .. I’ve always wanted to[…]

it changed me.. over and over again

New normal. New life.. Ive always known this was my truth. .. One I have lived many times before. I think our lives constantly change.. Often times in ways we don’t realize until we look back. Life after infertility treatment.. I thought it changed me. Changed the way I related to other people.. changed the way I looked at getting to be a parent. .. Becoming a parent, each time, I thought it changed me. Each of these little people I have been given is so different and they have changed the way I view the world. Hearing the words “Your child has cancer”. I thought it changed me. It made me question everything I had previously thought about the world surrounding me.. February 12th taught me those things altered me.. but that day.. her last day. That day has truly changed me. I have many of the same qualities[…]

do you get counseling..

I decided to blog about some FAQs and comments that I get..In particular I notice that as time goes on I get more judgmental themed comments on the blog. Im ok with that.. I have a thickish skin. .. But i’d be lying if I said it wasn’t part of the reason I blog publicly less .. I still need the release I get from writing.. but it does make me more hesitant to share.. I am realizing more and more how misunderstood the way I am choosing to do this whole grief thing is.. So I figured why not tackle a few of those constants.. or the ones that have bugged me the most. ** “Do you get counseling, you need counseling**”. I try to explain it this way. One. I need lots of counseling, A “ish-ton” one might say. So I get it in a mulititue of ways.[…]

changes.. years and reactions..

She should be 9… I am a mother to 4 beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed living children. They attract attention. .. and are the catalyst for conversations. I often get asked if they are all mine.. or hear comments that my hands are full. If it ends there I will leave it.. but often the conversation continues and I mention we have 5.. or I just get asked their ages. . I share my truth. Our truth. Her truth. That she lived. And she died. The shock.. they look like they just got slapped. I think maybe part of me has liked that. .. Because that momentary stun that they can’t physically hide is my day to day.. my constant. .. i don’t think it will ever change.. i don’t think i will ever be used to you being gone..  Forever 6. She passed away 2 months ago. .. He is 4, and he is[…]

this christmas

We made it through the holidays.. It wasn’t pretty a lot of the time.. But really thats not my goal anymore. Its just to make it through. To celebrate the joys.. and be ok with the sads. To say good riddance to the passing of a year without her and try to not dread the start of year another year without her.. Christmas was just a crap day. One where everything seemed to just go wrong. … From toys breaking.. to meals not cooking right.. Tony even had to go into work. The culmination of the day was the kicker..  I turned the corner from our kitchen to the hallway to be greeted by water. Charlotte had stuffed too much toilet paper and for 20 mins it kept flushing.. But maybe that was a good thing.. Because we all banded together to clean it up.. and keep little hands from[…]

hiding

This time of year when I will constantly make.. and then break plans. Where I will commit over and over again to being a better mom, to take them out more and do more… Commit to being a better friend.. And then I won’t be. I will find any reason and excuse to cancel plans. And I feel terribly about it. But I can’t seem to stop. Every night I tell myself I won’t do it. I won’t cancel. .. And sometimes I don’t.. but more often than not I do. . I hate it and I wish I could change it.. Because I get scared. .. that at some point it will be enough is enough.. That the “my daughter died” excuse of life will just become old and tired..  That my children and my husband will be impacted because of the way I cope with my grief .. especially[…]

mom struggles

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.   And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

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