I really thought this would be easier. I had this whole plan that I would let her lead me to the right picture and I could just share a story but I am just sitting here scrolling through and getting ideas.. but one picture isn’t nearly enough.. So then I get an idea .. like how much she loved Christmas.. and I save picture after picture.. but its still not right. ..

So maybe I just share.. thats how casual mom conversations go anyways.. Random thoughts and musings.. conversations leading their own way.. (and if you are lost HERE is what I wrote yesterday.. which is why I am writing tonight)..

I’ve often said how much Jennifer missed out on.. But then laugh about what she did get to experience.. Even lice (are you scratching your head? I am) My poor sister in law had to make that dreaded call.. we have lice Fibby.. you better check. And I know all she hoped was please please don’t let Jennifer get it. This was at the end of treatment. .. But what do ya know. .. She got it.

This is the day we call Scharrenberg Christmas .. we all get together the day after Christmas.. She loved this day .. actually all my kids do.. So many cousins all together sharing laughs .. and as it turned out this year .. lice!!

Cousin and grandparent pic from that day. We knew.. I mean of course we all hoped.. but we also knew this would be our last chance to get family photos with her.. Never again will we be gifted a photo with her.. And in classic Jennifer style.. sassy pants McGee .. we were all supposed to wear dark colors and she came out in the red dress.. And happily explained it was DARK red and therefore ok. .. (a no into yes moment for sure)

Looking at the picture so much has changed.. More cousins have been born.. Even second cousins.. High school and college graduations.. Weddings.. And my Dad has joined Jennifer …

But after this day.. before we knew about her little friends.. we went to Disneyland

We thought her constant playing with her hair was nerves! She had one of her besties sleepover.. and brushed her little brothers hair with her brush.

Bubbas wasn’t so sure but eventually could never really say no to Sissy. Truly. She could get the boy to do all kinds of things nobody else could .. From doing his hair to potty training.. She was magical to him. ..

Jonathan on the other hand.. everything she did was right and how it was supposed to be. He wanted to be just like her.. I look back and wonder a little.. Did he know more then we did. .. That veil that I believe exists between us and heaven.. I think it gets thinner as a child gets closer to heaven.. And I think children are simply more open and connected to it.. So I wonder..

But like I said we went to Disneyland ..

Nobody else got it .. none of the kids that shared her brush or even a pillow with her. Not me either.. So I feel like it was a little piece of life she got to experience..

And looking at that Disney moment brought this story ..

Our friends .. who at the time we called “those crazy Disney people” hooked us into a Disney trip that we werent super excited for.. But by the end we turned our tickets into passes.. (it was A LOT cheaper back then!) It was the tiki room that did it..

Even at 9 months old she loved it. .. And therefore so did we. We went a lot in her younger years and as our family grew we still tried to go once a year.. And one of the best things we did was to go post treatment. Just Jennifer and baby Charlotte.. It was right after Christmas and packed.. Some wonderful people gifted us plaid people .. we didn’t even know what that was.. We had the warmest, kindest young woman take us through and make it a truly magical trip.. So much so that Jennifer made us promise to take her younger siblings when they turned 6 (part of the reason we said we took her) we kept our promise ..mostly (we made it a first grade trip because when Jonathan turned 6 we just werent ready..) But they were all magical secret trips that they didnt know was happening until we got there.

Jennifer loved a good secret and surprise .. And this was perfect .. She got to be in on this secret to give them (and Tony and I) the most wonderful gift. And it was perfect for each of them..

On that last trip with her we met Sleeping Beauty and she stole Jennifers heart …So much so that Jennifer chose to be her when she went to the boutique to get done up the next day (thanks to our incredible plaid person!)

Then this sleeping beauty that now I can see how young she actually is stole my heart when the next day she remembered my girl. Everytime we have been back I have looked around for both of those young women.. Wondering if they have any clue the impact they made.. That sitting here 12 years later looking at their pictures still makes me cry. ..

And a little before this trip we went to see a movie in Palo Alto. It was during the middle of the day and the theatre was empty.. Frozen. I knew nothing about it .. except a lot of singing throughout…

I have never before been and will likely never again be so impacted by a movie. .. Sitting there with my 2 bookend daughters .. one that I knew wouldn’t watch her little sister grow up.. Watching a movie all about the power of a sisters love.. and their connection. It shook me to my core. All alone.. just the 4 of us in the entire theater.. In what we know now to be an incredibly popular movie.. I pre-grieved Charlottes loss.. Her big sister who adored and her and wanted her.. And had so much to teach her. I look now at my two living daughters.. Charlotte that knew their oldest sister.. and Bridgette who I think was sent to us by their oldest sister.. Because she knew the power of sisterly love and wanted Charlotte to have that gift here still..

**side note** I rarely re-read what i write but I did this time and I see it wasn’t 4 of us at that time.. just the 3 of us .. Me Jennifer and Charlotte.. Except I think maybe Jennifer wanted me to write 4.. Because it was always meant to be me and my 3 daughters loving each other**

I know one thing to be so true.. If love could have saved her..

Her friends loved her.. Her cousins loved her.. And grandparents and aunts and uncles.. Even strangers loved her…

i love you jennifer lynn

but

telling you a million times could never be enough

i like to think..

you knew

..until there is a cure..