Category: no into yes

mom struggles

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.   And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

we’re coming

When we get close to home I have a silly tradition that we will call out to whoever is waiting for us that we are on our way. Today it was just me and Charlotte and I started the call.. I called them one by one.. Daddddyyy and she would echo me..then  Bubbassss ..and  Brotherrr .. then I stopped. . I guess I must usually have at least 2 of the kids in the car because today it made me choke and gag. I gripped the steering wheel as tears bypassed the stinging stage and immediately began to fall. One missing. I whispered.. Jennifer.. over and over again. Charlotte already knowing the routine had continued on with it. “We’re cominggg” she was so damned happily yelling from behind me. I pounded the steering wheel. And then I said louder.. Sisssyyy .. Charlotte giggled and kicked, swinging her legs out.. Calling[…]

toot toot

I can’t say for sure what it is.. But I am struggling… feels like I am barely treading water. Like my every other breath is sucking in deep murky water instead of air. I don’t know if it’s Tony working nights.. or waiting for Wyatt’s time to come.. or hormones. .. But I feel like I am thrust back down. It’s hard to get out again. Hard to want to do much. And I feel like it’s so wrong. Like having Wyatt just joining Jennifer.. hurting for his family and being reminded again so vividly how precious life is I should be a better more patient mom. Like it should reinvigorate my efforts with Unravel. I feel like its the opposite. My nerves so over charged right now I am short with the kids.. I am struggling to engage with them. I don’t want to do Unravel business.. It just[…]

Wyatt

Another little boy died from DIPG.. well so many have.. but one in particular. He looks eerily like my boys. And his mom and I have gotten very close. His name is Wyatt Norell. He was just a baby really. I have been awash in so many emotions in the tail end of his struggle and since he joined my Jennifer. So surreal to be on the complete other side of equation. .. With my phone in my hand.. volume turned up and heart constantly in my throat waiting for the phone to ring. The first time I talked to her on the 12th.. they both now will eternally share that number.. I hung up and collapsed in my kitchen. A sobbing mess. My boys came into me. And just hugged me. Looking at me with such love and concern. “What is it mommy?” So I told them. A little[…]

i was wrong.

I try to find life lessons in everyday things for my kids. I try to help them connect what they see to who they can be. Now. Today. I did that twice this past weekend. I was able to connect others peoples fight and good deeds to them.. to us and to Unravel. .. I have to laugh though.. I tell myself I do it for them.. but honestly I know as I write I do it for me too.. To know the sacrifices we make by running Unravel are meaningful.. that there is a purpose to what we are doing. We watched .. a bit obsessively the owner at my gym compete in something called the CrossFit games. I took a lot of playful ribbing for it. But the kids noticed. They got to observe some pretty amazing stuff. They don’t know numbers of weight and what heavy can[…]

normal

I feel like I should write.. like I want to write but the words won’t come to me.. neither will sleep it seems this week either. I still feel like I have so much to write I don’t want to forget.. about Seattle and our bereavement camp. But those memories seem so distant to me somehow. Not lost.. not yet at least.. but fuzzy and distant. Muted by my grief. I feel like I am deep in this right now. Struggling with my broken heart and my goals for the future. I find myself scared of so much .. my grief, my numb and from there it grows on and out. I find myself not wanting to leave the house again and letting the phone go to voicemail versus answering. What I don’t know.. what I don’t understand, is why its happening. I just hurt so much right now. I[…]

weather or not..

The weather this morning was perfection for me..  It eases me. Overcast, cold, cloudy, chilly, gray. But I feel like if I stand outside.. especially if I run then I can somehow find her again. I find myself yearning for this weather.. longing for it .. Because when its here I feel like I can take a really deep breath .. What a gift that is for me now. I leave for Seattle on Wednesday to help lend my voice to one of Dr. Olsens fundraisers. I am so looking forward to the weather! This weekend was quite different though.. and even though we did a bereavement program I found it hard to find her in the heat.. So ironic though.. she loves the heat and the sun. The program was pretty awesome for the boys. They each got to ride full size horses.. They looked so tiny, but they[…]

poison

Guilt. It is a nasty poisonous thing in this life of child loss. It pushes down the good memories .. it drowns out the happy sounds.. it chokes me making it a struggle to catch my breath. guilt. I made mistakes. Normal everyday mom mistakes with her. I yelled when I shouldn’t have. I overreacted.. I took out other stresses on her. Especially her.. the eldest of my 4 she bore the brunt of my frustrations.. My Jennifer.  She she was the one I made mistakes on and learned from.. .. I guess she always will be. .. Because I am better with it now. And every time I do it, that I just take a extra moment before reacting I thank her. I know all moms do it. I reacted with anger when I should have had understanding. I demanded she do more and be better because she was the[…]

My no into yes

Its pretty amazing how one moment can trigger one memory.. that then triggers a landslide of them. I was at the CVS pharmacy waiting to pick up my prescription. I moved to the side where the toy aisles are and I remembered being on a phone call there.. standing right in that very spot. So incredibly mad. I was talking to a hospice nurse.. right when Jennfier was going to be getting on service begging for one seemingly simple answer. How can long can a little girl live with no food and barely any liquid. And I couldn’t get a answer. I was nearly yelling.. just tell me a number. How can you not give me a number?!?! Now I know why.. because there really isn’t one. They can last so much longer than you would ever even imagine. Jennifer was over 23 more days. .. I was so mad[…]

our joy

There is a story that goes along with our announcement. I had planned on.. wanted to write about it. But i sit down and I find my mind is already going to another place. .. Yesterday we announced our 5th child is due August 22nd. It was a happy day for us.. a joyous day. I got messages and emails and FB postings and replies on the blog.. I read every one.. I appreciated every single letter. And when I did that I remembered. .. Jennifer. A long road to her.. 5 losses and failed adoption. .. a broken road that lead me straight to her.. One I would have ridden a thousand times to get to that destination of her. I was part of a local online forum at the time. It became like a virtual group of friends.. solid friends surprisingly. When Jennifer was finally placed in my[…]

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