I can’t say for sure what it is.. But I am struggling… feels like I am barely treading water. Like my every other breath is sucking in deep murky water instead of air.
I don’t know if it’s Tony working nights.. or waiting for Wyatt’s time to come.. or hormones. .. But I feel like I am thrust back down. It’s hard to get out again. Hard to want to do much.
And I feel like it’s so wrong. Like having Wyatt just joining Jennifer.. hurting for his family and being reminded again so vividly how precious life is I should be a better more patient mom. Like it should reinvigorate my efforts with Unravel.
I feel like its the opposite. My nerves so over charged right now I am short with the kids.. I am struggling to engage with them.
I don’t want to do Unravel business.. It just feels so big and futile. Like I will never be able to make a dent in this huge a problem.
I am lonely. I have almost no time with my husband during the week. But I don’t answer the phone when people call. I have no motivation to make any effort. If it wasn’t for the gym I think I wouldn’t leave the house. .. But that little bit of forced out time makes it easier to keep it up.
But I’m tired of it. Im tired of being defeated.. so today I was lucky enough to be pushed to change it.. We were invited to share about Unravel at a local VBS (vacation bible school) and seeing these kids ask questions.. seeing them want to be involved. It energized me. .. They all have the potential to be kidvocates, to be kids saving kids.
Because of today I will..
-I will do something with the kids everyday that I don’t want to. I will re-commit to a daily “no into yes” . When my first instinct is no. .. or in a little bit. I will change my mind. And I will say yes.
-I will make plans. I will extend myself.. Fake it til I make it as they saying goes.
– And I will toot Unravels horn. My Dad is working really hard to pull of a golf tournament here is Gilroy st Eagle Ridge, I think golf seems so boring, but apparently this is a pretty awesome course! Proceeds going to Dr Monje.. the scientist that has his granddaughters tumor. .And a local boy, Ben Roach, currently battling a brain tumor. To give his family a little breathing room. BUT WE NEED GOLFERS!
MNO in sacramento. June 27th. Dessert, lots of wine, dancing and I promise a ton of fun.
And the most important .. Fluttering kits are on sale now. Just a few weeks left til we cut sales. I am so proud of this because it speaks to everything Unravel is about. It’s being chaired by 2 full time working moms of 3 young kids. WOW. It spreads the facts to 30 houses per kit in just one month. 30 people learn something about pediatric cancer and hopefully make a donation to do something about it. And new this year..
The essence of my Jennifer in Fluttering. It allows people to share their why. Mine is Jennifer. Mine is Unravel. But people can share about their cousin. Their son. Their friend’s child and all information about them. I don’t care if its a FB page or a website. I don’t care if its a caring bridge site or a foundation website. We have a paper that can be filled out and put on every doorstep for that Fluttering kit. Because Jennifer would share the magic. Jennifer would want to find a way to help people share their pride and love.
And because Fluttering is truly fun for the whole family. So buy a kit!! You will not regret it! And you can even get your money back for the cost of the kit. I believe in this and I know you will too.
I feel better .. . thank you for listening, for reading and for caring.
i will circle the drain
i will never go down
i will make you proud.
..until there is a cure..