Category: Unravel

it changed me.. over and over again

New normal. New life.. Ive always known this was my truth. .. One I have lived many times before. I think our lives constantly change.. Often times in ways we don’t realize until we look back. Life after infertility treatment.. I thought it changed me. Changed the way I related to other people.. changed the way I looked at getting to be a parent. .. Becoming a parent, each time, I thought it changed me. Each of these little people I have been given is so different and they have changed the way I view the world. Hearing the words “Your child has cancer”. I thought it changed me. It made me question everything I had previously thought about the world surrounding me.. February 12th taught me those things altered me.. but that day.. her last day. That day has truly changed me. I have many of the same qualities[…]

but Jennifer died..

I am struggling to find the balance. I write and I miss Jennifer so terribly.. I look through pictures to add them to my words. And I see how quickly and special my time with her was.. And I realize how quickly this time is passing me with my surviving kids.. but Jennifer died. Cancer stole her. It destroyed my family. And I know I have the ability to make a difference… The altruistic part of #forTHEMbecauseofher.   But I see pictures like this. . And I realize Charlotte has already outgrown putting her shoes on the wrong feet .. Time is passing. And I miss it. Because of work. Work I never wanted. Work I never planned on doing. I miss it. I miss them. but Jennifer died. Cancer stole her. It destroyed my family. And I know I have the ability to make a difference… So how do[…]

giving tuesday

Our country has been in such turmoil since the recent elections. Emotions are running high and strong. . Marching in the street to protest or to celebrate. Liberal or Conservative, Clinton or Trump.. The overarching thing I see is that people care. People are invested and they are hopeful. People are scared, they are worried for themselves and their communities.. I get it. In a different kind of way. I get it. I think thats kinda my life all the time now too.. I have moments of great hope. When I see success when I see change is coming and happening. I have moments of great fear. Worried for childhood cancer to take up residence in my home again.. Fear that all this effort will never make a difference. Heartbroken over the everyday loss of life. 100 – 140. That’s how many parents have kissed their child for the last time[…]

old life back

*I wrote this last week and didn’t realize I hadn’t published it* There is a undercurrent in our family right now. I am not sure what is causing it. I didn’t even realize it until I sat down to write my most recent blog.. The only thing I know for sure is its all different manifestations of a yearning for Jennifer.. Tony has been short with me lately. Impatient and grumpy with me. I wasn’t sure what I had done. We talked in the car ride to the airport. About a lot of things.. his things and then about how he worries that I am not going to the gym anymore, just working out at home. He has noticed I am sheltering in the house again. .. retreating inward emotionally and physically. He’s right. My only social life now is Unravel related. Up before the kids to work out alone.[…]

train is coming

Her birthday is coming. Like a fucking train. I am staring at a train, barreling right for us and I cannot get us out of the way. I want so desperately to make it a celebration for her .. for them too.. But I don’t know how. I am crippled from the pain right now. I feel like a failure. I couldn’t keep her alive. And I can’t feel joy in the blessing of 6 years with her. All I can see right now is the nearly 1 year 8 months I have endured without her. Dear God… That’s a long time. no. no. no. It can’t be real. I think maybe this all started in counseling.. When Tony said something had been changed for 5 years.. And my immediate thought was no. No. Maybe 1.5-2 yrs at most. But instead I just started crying. Because he was right. Because[…]

october 1

The start of Oct. I am excited only for one part of it. The end of most of the Fluttering campaign. I LOVE this campaign. For so many reasons. It raises a ton of awareness and money. Kids are involved and doing it. Kids are saving kids. We partnered with other organizations and allowed people to highlight the child(ren) that have touched their lives. I am proud of it because I think it really showcases what and who Unravel is.. Awareness. Empowerment. Kids. Money for research. But I miss her. Jennifer feels so distant to me this month. I think I know why. I see messages and notes of people every single day who she is touching and inspiring to keep going with Fluttering. But I’m selfish.. I miss her. I miss the signs for me. I miss that sometimes that I feel like she is just about to come[…]

me time

“Me time”. I cannot believe how much that saying has changed. For me now my me time truly consists of grieving my daughter, often in front of a computer screen. Funeral, wedding and hospital visits.. and a few great Unravel meetings have left little “me” time.. though. Last week I ended up in L&D with contractions 2-3 minutes apart. I avoided it all day.. hoping I could somehow gain control and stop them from getting closer and closer, but by 9pm it was very apparent I couldn’t. I packed a bag and called Tony home from work and we headed out. We got there unsure if they would stop labor at 34+ weeks. I told the nurses they had to since we didn’t even have a carseat yet for the baby, we really thought Charlotte was going to be our last. (Some AMAZING friends have since gotten us one!). It[…]

SacTownMNO

I was apart from my kids pretty much the whole weekend. But they are my why and this is my how. I said it in our Unravel video, but I truly don’t do this just for Jennifer. I love to talk about her and share her name, but I don’t need a non-profit to do that. I am a pretty loud mouthed lady! I do however need the non-profit to do my very best to protect my living children. .. See its too late for my Jennifer. But I know .. and I am scared every single day it could happen to us again. Or to one of their best friends.. or one of their children. I know the threat and I have to do something about it. MNO truly is a great way to do that. And this MNO was a blast. Let me tell you SacTown is no[…]

toot toot

I can’t say for sure what it is.. But I am struggling… feels like I am barely treading water. Like my every other breath is sucking in deep murky water instead of air. I don’t know if it’s Tony working nights.. or waiting for Wyatt’s time to come.. or hormones. .. But I feel like I am thrust back down. It’s hard to get out again. Hard to want to do much. And I feel like it’s so wrong. Like having Wyatt just joining Jennifer.. hurting for his family and being reminded again so vividly how precious life is I should be a better more patient mom. Like it should reinvigorate my efforts with Unravel. I feel like its the opposite. My nerves so over charged right now I am short with the kids.. I am struggling to engage with them. I don’t want to do Unravel business.. It just[…]

Wyatt

Another little boy died from DIPG.. well so many have.. but one in particular. He looks eerily like my boys. And his mom and I have gotten very close. His name is Wyatt Norell. He was just a baby really. I have been awash in so many emotions in the tail end of his struggle and since he joined my Jennifer. So surreal to be on the complete other side of equation. .. With my phone in my hand.. volume turned up and heart constantly in my throat waiting for the phone to ring. The first time I talked to her on the 12th.. they both now will eternally share that number.. I hung up and collapsed in my kitchen. A sobbing mess. My boys came into me. And just hugged me. Looking at me with such love and concern. “What is it mommy?” So I told them. A little[…]