New normal. New life..

Ive always known this was my truth. .. One I have lived many times before. I think our lives constantly change.. Often times in ways we don’t realize until we look back.

Life after infertility treatment.. I thought it changed me. Changed the way I related to other people.. changed the way I looked at getting to be a parent. .. Becoming a parent, each time, I thought it changed me. Each of these little people I have been given is so different and they have changed the way I view the world.

Hearing the words “Your child has cancer”. I thought it changed me. It made me question everything I had previously thought about the world surrounding me..

February 12th taught me those things altered me.. but that day.. her last day. That day has truly changed me. I have many of the same qualities I used to ..

But losing her broke me down. Ripped me apart to my very core. And I have had to rebuild. Much is the same. I am still funny .. I still like being in control .. But I am changed .. it feels like at a cellular level I am changed and just trying to figure myself out.. And as I rebuild I realize all the things that I have lost..

Father daughter dances.. One of those things I looked forward to watching them experience..

You know I hate this so much. I hate that losing her ruins so much.. so much more than I was even prepared for.. And its going to keep happening..

Cancer stole so much more than just my daughter from me. .. I fight for my surviving kids. I fight because I am terrified they will get sick.. or their cousins will or their kids one day.. but I also fight because I am really mad. And I want to beat this thing ..

It killed my daughter. Slowly and cruelly. Stealing her piece by piece. And its doing the same thing to me ..

Those dances I longer for.. They started happening right after she died. And it hurt.. last year too.. But this year is different. This year sucks the life out of me. Because it clarified how I lost our little leader. I lost my position in so many of my friendships. It stole that.

I was the first to have kids.. She was the oldest and got to do things first. I got to give advice. .. I got to know what was coming for them.. and watch them knowingly. They got to ask me for advice.. they got to watch her go first.

But now its all reversed. Now I see these pictures of moments I can only imagine .. It feels like a forbidden paradise . ..

Its not even just missing her thats so devastating … its the realization of the loss of that compentent of my identity. Of my relationships. ..Somehow thats just now sinking in.

I know I will get it with Charlotte and Bridgette.. I am so grateful for that, but Jennifer was supposed to be first.

I have found myself being confronted lately with all that was lost. At how different my life is now. I have tried to remember who I was before all of this.

The daily details. What we would be doing on the average day if Jennifer hadn’t died.. If Unravel hadn’t been started.. I have no social life outside of Unravel. My phone calls.. my relationships all revolve around it. I figured that out recently. ..

And I realized . .. I don’t think I have friends anymore. ..

And part of me really cares. Because I am sitting here crying about it.  I think maybe I am lonely..

And part of me doesn’t care at all. You know how when you get surgery and there is a big scar.. You know how sometimes that area where the scar is loses feeling? I think its kinda like that. Because part of me doesn’t want friendships that aren’t based of Unravel..

why? why am I like that?

Is it because she can’t be a part of them that way? Is it because its just simpler?

Those god damned father daughter dances..

I don’t want to be left out of things or have them hidden from me.  I am stuck and I know my friends are too..

And I don’t want to steal anymore from them.

will it always be this way? its getting worse.

A lot of people have slowly faded away.. I get that. I think I would have too… Im not an easy person to be friends with. I am still that bucket with holes for my friends. They pour into me.. And I have nothing to give back.. except guilt. Their unfair guilt over having living children. . I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either.

 But some do. Some have stuck it out.. Many have come into our lives after Jennifer died. And I don’t know how to fix this. .

or if I even can. I am starting to wonder if friendships not dependent on Unravel are something else cancer has stolen from me..

you were everybody’s friend

i loved watching that

how you were always able to bring people to you

you still can

you still do.

you bring them to me

thank you baby girl.

…until there is a cure..