earthquake country

I live in earthquake country.. I always have.. but now its more. Now I exist in it too.. I am always ready.. vigilant for any potential tremors. But that’s what makes them so scary .. you never know when they will hit..

Even when they start.. you just never know how high they will register on the Richter scale..

I already know. As my fingers hit the keyboard I already know .. this might be one of those posts I never publish..

Because I know whats eating at me. .. something I struggle too admit to myself .. let alone out loud..

My jealousy. My heartbreak in the middle of others joy.

The birth of my niece.

Yes of course seeing a healthy baby… of remembering what it was like to first have my Jennifer placed in my arms.. Of wanting so desperately to go back.. to get those years I was gifted with her back.. I thought about how Jennifer very well might have been in the room for the birth of this baby.

Yea that gave me a wistful sort of longing..

but not pain. not the desperate. not the shattering.

That wasn’t the 10+ quake.

My sister let me be in the room with her as she welcomed her first daughter. It was beautiful. I cried with her and for her as my niece came into the world.. And that was good. A gift really.

Then I looked over at my mom. ..

as she watched her daughter become a mom. ..

I harnessed every bit of my strength .. to force it down. That beast that was threatening to destroy me right in the middle of that room. I did.. for then at least.

She would have been incredible as a mom..

The moment I got into my car the tears came.. Tony had a rough day with the kids.. he was struggling his own internal battle coming off the holidays. .. I walked in the door as he came in from the garage. He had no idea. .. but he came to me and hugged me.

where you there? when i collapsed in daddy’s arms? did you warn his heart i was coming?

I dissolved. I remember losing the ability to stand. I remember clawing at his back as my soul emptied itself out in the middle of our kitchen.

He was broken. He had told me how much he was struggling.. But he found the strength to hold me upright when I couldn’t ..

.. or was he given the strength?..

were you there? for both of us? helping him stand upright for me.. which heals him.

She would have been an incredible mommy. She loved everything pregnancy .. and even labor. We used to watch those labor and delivery shows together while the other kids napped. I made her promise to let me be in the room with her.

she was always in training for the future we couldn’t imagine not happening.

I lost my six year old daughter.. and so many years of potential. So many years of promises broken. So many other people stolen from me. The grandchildren she would have given me.

I looked at my mom. The pride. The joy. And I wanted to scream.

I can’t get that image out of my head.

why why why. jennifer. you promised i could be in the room. oh baby why?? 

Its these sudden quakes. Strong and violent. And mercifully short lived that make this new life of mine treacherous . Because now the landscape is forever marred. Nothing looks quite the same anymore. A deep and dark fault line of mine.. one that I didn’t even know existed was revealed. ..

I knew she would never get to be a mom. This meant to be mommy girl whose chance was stolen. .. I knew that. I actively grieve that. But I guess I never realized I would miss out on bearing witness to her motherhood. ..

And it ripped me apart. Another scar has formed. Nearly 3 years after she died. I am still forming brand new.. deep and ugly scars.

i can almost imagine it

you in that bed

finally learning how much ..

how deeply.

I love you.

…until there is a cure..

3 Responses to “earthquake country”

  1. I just keep thinking how unfair it is for a parent to lose a child – any parent, any child. It’s just not supposed to happen. I mean, how in the world are you supposed to deal with that level of loss?

  2. This is beautiful. Not that you had a jealous moment, but you even knowing you might break you went into that room with your sister. You moved in a forward direction even though you might break. It’s a beautiful strong thing that you have done.

  3. Gosh I admire you so much. So often we hide from our pain and just stuff it down…but you don’t…you live your life and pay due to the pain as it comes…it is not the easier path. Over and over you are an example to your living children and your child who watches you.

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