I am trying so hard. To keep afloat. To not drown or go all the way under. But I don’t think I can.
I just miss her so much.
I want to be alone. Just locked inside this house..
Just be home. Doing nothing. Just us. I want to grab them all and just run away. I don’t want Tony to go to work.. or Jonathan to go to school. .. I want to just be near each other.
But for them I try. .. I do. Not well though. I am lost .. All my old tricks aren’t working.
I am doing crossfit again. But instead of having that as a time to connect with people, to pull me out of myself It pushes me further inside.. I feel like an actress.. No connection. I am locked away.. trapped inside of myself.. Too weak to allow any of me out of hiding.
I am running too. And I feel good while I am doing it. Like I am able to nourish my relationship with her.. but it doesn’t last long.
So I am pulling out my old tricks. My before she died and got sick things that brought joy. I am cooking and baking all the time. Experimenting. But not finding the fulfillment I want from it. Mostly just guilt about the physical weight I carry.. Another reason to be disappointed in me.
I don’t understand. So much effort to breathe right now.
But I am trying. .. Its just nothing connects. Shouldn’t it be getting better by now? Easier? It is so much harder now. I think because I don’t feel like its ok to hurt this much still. .. this desperate ache..
We went to a football game on Friday night. At the school we held her services. The same game we went to about 2 years ago.. Right after she was diagnosed. My family is Scharrenberg and Calcagno. High school sports legends in this area. We had coaches and players on each side. .. I think both years.
But 2 years ago she was here. We walked on the field and the stadium prayed with us.. for us..
2 years ago she was here.
So getting ready for the game it all hit me. She loved going to high school football games. Running around with her cousins.. staying up so late. I didnt want to go without her.
I got dressed in the same shirt my whole family wore that day. Team Jennifer. She wore hers too.
So I wore it. And I cried and cried trying to get myself ready to go. Simple tears. I just wanted her here. And I wanted her to be remembered. I wanted her to matter still.
As we drove I remembered the drive that morning in February to the same school campus. When we said our public goodbye. And I wanted to beg Tony to turn the car around. I wanted to smash my way out the car. But I just tried my best to breathe.. one shallow breath at a time.
As the teams took the field .. I was talking. But I heard “JLK” her name. My baby. JLK. So I cried. With my sister at first and then with my husband. I listened with my whole body. My heart and my mind and my soul too. I imagined her big.. huge enveloping the whole sky over the field. .. I don’t know how to describe it. But I did feel like she was nudging me..
See Mama.. See?
Oh how I needed that. I know people think I know. But I don’t. I need to be told. Over and over again that she is remembered. That you miss her. That she mattered. Over and over again.
I am a bucket with holes. I cannot be filled up enough with knowing she matters..
Special pink necklaces.. shirts.. and little sayings. please. I know. I am a bucket with holes.. but please keep pouring yourself into me.
And later I imagined her running with her cousins and brothers and sister. I can’t really see her though. Its a blurry image.. Like when there is movement as you take a picture. Fuzzy … but you still know who is in the picture.. even though its distorted somehow you know.
i just want to see you
visit me sissy.
clear and in focus.
..until there is a cure..