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My mind wanders.. a lot. I have always been a big day dreamer. Its actually one of the reasons I have always enjoyed working out. Its a time to just let my mind and imagination run free.

But right now .. even though our california weather is not very fall like I seem to remember. .. I am fighting my day dreams now.. I am finding myself crying nursing Bridgette in the middle of the night when I can’t escape my mind. ..

memories.

They are flooding me right now much more often.. Of her being sick. Of her treatments.

Its hard to get a grip on them… They seem to move through me so quickly.. Like snippets of videos of her. I hate that. That my memories of her don’t seem real right now, they just feel like … like I’m watching her not through my own eyes but through a foggy lens.

But these aren’t videos I have of her.. They are real moments… memories of my daughter.

Jennifer. My daughter. This was her life that’s muted and grey to me right now..

Her life. I am struggling to really connect with. To slow my brain to remember. .. Stop it from flying so quickly through me to be able to grasp these moments.

Our moments. Her life.

I will be in the car and start to remember the drives we would take to Stanford every Monday morning.

It was early… she hated being woken from her warm bed at home. We only got 2 days as a family. By Sunday night we had just finally started to get adjusted to each other..

I was so grateful for baby Charlotte... Jennifer cried he whole way this Monday, but once we were parking and her sister cried.. she went into caretaker mode.
I was so grateful for baby Charlotte… Jennifer cried he whole way this Monday, but once we were parking and her sister cried.. she went into caretaker mode.

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My mind is now wanting to remember how excited she was on Friday afternoons to be driving home. The time she was throwing up most of the drive…The first time we came home..We were both giddy on the drive..But as we pulled into town we fell silent. It felt big, foreign… exposed. We drove straight to Jonathan’s school.. She held onto me most of the time..

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Leaving our apartment every morning to go to treatment. She was always fine to be going. The windshield often frozen over with morning frost. Talking about who would be there to snuggle baby Charlotte ..

how kind you were the man that buzzed us in at the gate. .

the look on his face when you gave him a card you made. 

oh i love you sissy miss.

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Leaving after treatment. Sometimes she was lively by then, we would right away go out to do something. . especially early on.. Usually waiting for Fairy to be ready to hang out. . But then it started to wear on her. And she was drained. We got our car from the valet and she always wanted to go straight to our apartment.. Just the 3 of us. My daughters and me.

A walk to the park..She loved taking her water in a coffee cup
A walk to the park..She loved taking her water in a coffee cup
Just a normal seeming little girl at the park
Just a normal seeming little girl (with a wild sense of fashion)at the park

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Headed out to dinner.. You always rallied by then. We found a few places nearby that had gluten free food. You were so happy to have options. Your very favorite was the counter. We came to have a strong bond with our waitress….

you were always magical .. always able to pull others towards you

goofy girl with her nightly milkshake
goofy girl with her nightly milkshake

She ordered lots of food.. but rarely finished it all. I guess we should have known then that something was off.. that the tumor was growing. Steroids usually made them ravenous. .. She sometimes was.. I remember earlier on how she wanted to eat and eat.. I thought it was just the radiation taking effect that made her not want to anymore..

Then we got in the car again and headed to bed..

memories baby girl

our moments in the car

together

not healthy

but

alive

IMG_2742…until there is a cure…

7 Responses to “swipe”

  1. What a blessing this blog will be to always keep those memories fresh…like a journal. I’m so sorry she is not here physically.
    My prayer right now is all those happy memories flood your mind tonight.
    She and you all are a part of something so much bigger; you are shaking the ground, moving mountains, helping to break this beast wide open. Thank you for being willing to stand up and demand changes happen.

  2. Memories are always equally wonderful and horrible in my book. My mom passed away very suddenly a few months before Jennifer got sick. I try in vein to remember my mom…every detail of a certain memory. Then my mind turns to anger because I can’t grasp it…I can’t make my mind “relive” it again. Always just flashes of things in my brain, like my memory is in fast forward motion. I hate that. I guess that’s just how memories work, but it’s just not good enough. It’s hard as hell to have to turn only to jumbled up memories to visit my mom, I couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain if it were my young daughter I was having trouble remembering. It’s so wrong…parents aren’t built to withstand losing their children. Praying her memories find a way to reach you, even if only in sleep. I pray that you find peace in the memories…until you are able to see her again and make more wonderful memories in Heaven for all eternity.

  3. thank you for sharing all of your memories, for being so open, allowing yourself to heel through your own writings… i hope they continue to come to you as clear as the day they happened – i think Jennifer will help you to make that happen. much love xoxo

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