The tears are close right now.. Seemingly just below the surface and that really surprises me. But I feel like my strength is also. .. Because I am feeling her again. Its like she knows when I need her the most.
Jennifer guides me.. when I allow her to. I am finding that when I just go with things.. that she sends me signs to say she agrees.. And somehow I know its her.
It’s been something that has bonded me not just with her.. but also with Jonathan in particular since he always seemed to have that easy and strong belief that it was her way of connecting to us..
He struggles with that a lot lately. Trying to explain the logic of what happens. Wanting the sign to be so obvious that there is no room for doubt.
It has bothered me lately hearing that coming out of her best friend.. The one who I thought would help me keep her memory alive. . But I know he needs to have his own journey and I have tried to allow it for him.. But deep down it was something that bothered me when he started to explain away the things that he used to come running up to me to share.
Today I talked about another family with local roots whose daughter is starting to battle cancer.
I have had multiple people reach out to me about this family.. and this little girl. As I always do I offer myself and any support/information/connection I can give. Today I spoke with one of those people about this girl and found out her cousins go to Jonathan’s school. And I worried for those kids… wondering if they knew my Jennifer’s story and if they were scared their cousin would move to heaven like she did.
I told myself I would find the Aunt and reach out to her. .. I did a #forTHEMbecauseofHER right after school pick up.. We went to the library. I was tired. Bridgette was crying and Charlotte needed to nap. .. But I found myself pulling into the parking lot. They were so excited! .. I haven’t taken them in a really long time I guess. .. oops
So I felt good. We read books together and I got Bridgette to sleep on me. We ran into a friend.. She introduced me to another mom that was there.. And I realized. .. It was the Aunt I had just 2 hours earlier told myself I would pull up the courage to approach at school.. So I did. We had a (I hope) good conversation.
I shared with her that I felt pulled to approach her. .. That I had just talked about her earlier in the day. .. That I wasn’t sure why but I felt sure Jennifer wanted me to reach out to her. .
As I checked out I almost skipped getting the receipt printed but decided to do it at the last minute.. The due date made me choke up.. and smile.
I went there #forTHEMbecauseofHER.. I thought my them was Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte.. But I think it was bigger. I’m not sure all the why.. but I think my “them” was also this Aunt I spoke to and her family. Maybe in part to be able to share with my kids why I was speaking to her.. That her niece is battling cancer.. That hers is different than Jennifer’s and we do everything we do with Unravel in hopes to save her.. and save these cousins, that go to our school, the pain Jennifer’s cousins have learned.
Somehow I just know its her.. It’s scary to trust it. It’s hard to share it and not feel like its all in my head. But somehow I just know its her.
I thought about sharing with Jonathan.. But I just told him when he asked why I gasped that the books were due on her birthday and held my breath, waiting to see if it impacted him..
But then he found 3 dandelions…aka wishers.. . I listened through the open window as he spoke his wish aloud to his little brother and sister..
” I wish Jennifer..I wish that Jennifer.. (deep slow jagged breath) I just wish that Jennifer would stay in our hearts forever”
And it struck me.. He is scared to trust it. She isn’t here. He can’t see her. Touch her. He is scared to be wrong and he is questioning.
Its not that he has stopped missing her.. Its just that he misses her so much. I knew watching him purposefully blow apart his wisher that he has the same fears I do and just wants his sister to be remembered. And that he will find ways to guide his younger siblings. ..
thank you sissy
for reaching out to us.
and into us.
i am learning from you.
..until there is a cure..