but Jennifer died..

I am struggling to find the balance.

I write and I miss Jennifer so terribly.. I look through pictures to add them to my words. And I see how quickly and special my time with her was.. And I realize how quickly this time is passing me with my surviving kids..

but Jennifer died. Cancer stole her. It destroyed my family. And I know I have the ability to make a difference…

The altruistic part of #forTHEMbecauseofher.

 

But I see pictures like this. . And I realize Charlotte has already outgrown putting her shoes on the wrong feet .. Time is passing. And I miss it. Because of work. Work I never wanted. Work I never planned on doing.

I miss it. I miss them.

but Jennifer died. Cancer stole her. It destroyed my family. And I know I have the ability to make a difference…

So how do I balance it? My love for the one I lost.. the anger at what took her and my ability to help.

And my living kids.. their day to day lives. The little moments. Like that hands moving towards her hips sassy about to emerge picture. It was of her and her first little brother getting ready to play outside on windy cold day.

Its happening .. life. Their lives are happening .. and I don’t want to miss a thing. ..

she was so proud how tall we had built this tower.. she asked me to take a picture. She loved those damn jammies too..

but Jennifer died. Cancer stole her. It destroyed my family. And I know I have the ability to make a difference…

I miss my daughter on the holidays of course.. But its the little .. seemingly inconsequential moments that pierce me through the heart. The times just sitting together watching a show without answering emails.. The afternoons walks.. killing time before Daddy comes home from work.. Its those things that I miss so dramatically now.

My favorite costume of hers.. not even sure why..

Doing right by your children when one is in heaven.. well its really fucking hard. And I am not sure I am doing it very well.. I feel like I am failing on all fronts right now.

Because they struggle.. Likely its normal struggles.. Growing pains that all kids experience.. But there is that little voice that makes me question..  maybe its because their sister died.

So then I just I worry.. I always wonder and I question. And I struggle too.. missing her.. loving them and supporting the mission to unravel cancer..

so..

ill try to listen for you

guide me little girl

help me balance it all.

..until there is a cure..

 

6 Responses to “but Jennifer died..”

  1. …until there is a cure
    Jennifer will always be remembered and prayers will continue to be said to help you cope with your loss. No words can help you, but hopefully our continued help with Unravel will give you some peace.
    …until there is a cure

  2. Oh Libby, there is no comfort I can offer, bo words I have that would help. But I’m hear, reading, listening, remembering and sending you love always.

  3. I feel selfish because for my kids I don’t want you to quit. Always the thought is what if it’s my daughter tomorrow? I know you are making a difference. I’m afraid someday you’ll walk away from it, and we’ll lose Jennifer. She is the reason for this, your kids are the reason you carry on. But Jennifer was your spark and you’ve roared into great flames. I think you’re doing wonderfully but I’m not one of your children. Ask Jonathan and Nicholas what they think. I’ll bet they think you are a hero. The girls are to young yet to tell you. I pray you’ll find the strength.

  4. I’m so sorry that there are no clear answers or remedies, no black and white…only areas of grey. I thank you so much for choosing to fight back against cancer, for every single child in the world, my own included. Too late for your own darling eldest child, but not too late for those yet to be diagnosed.

    Being a bereaved parent must be a fulltime “job” on its own…full of long days and overwhelming hours of emotion. You don’t have to add the burdens of running a nonprofit to fight back against childhood cancer, but you do. And you are so appreciated. But if you decided to leave that behind, and only focus on your living loves, not a person on earth could blame you for doing so. You are being pulled in so many different directions, enough to overwhelm the strongest of people.

    There is no right or wrong way to handle what life throws at you…I hope your mind will go easy on your heart and allow you a reprieve from the guilt you feel. Your children know they are all so very loved. Every wonderful mother worries that she isn’t “good enough”. That comes along with the territory of parenthood. Every parent is their own biggest critic. No matter what happens, your child died…and left behind so many unanswerable questions and moments of uncertainty. There is no way to fix life…but you are doing a damn good job of showing the world HOW to care, and someday, your living children will look back in awe and wonder how you were able to juggle so many hats in life.

    Sending so much love to you.

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