Its almost here..
That invisible yet powerful clock has almost come full circle.. .to mark off yet another year without the girl that made me a mommy.
i thought that was it. i thought the brutal road to being your mommy meant i paid my dues. ..
Sunday will mark 3 years..
3 years since she I last touched my Jennifer’s warm skin. .. last heard her jagged and raspy breathing. I was so scared she wouldn’t let me be there .. be awake when she died. 3 years ago I was asking myself unanswerable questions.. ones I still am asking today..
That day .. those worries I wrote about then.. I was right. It is EXACTLY how I feel today. ..
She let me though.. She gave me so many gifts those final hours. Through her suffering she remained the girl she had always been.. Kind. Giving. Generous. Trusting.
You know I didn’t deserve any of it.. She suffered so much leading up to that final breath.. .
I am her mommy. Her mama. And my 6 year old suffered tremendously.
She hurt. Physical pain. Emotional fear. And I let it happen.
I wanted her . .. I wanted to absorb as much of her as I possibly could. Tony wanted to give her more meds.. . He wanted to sedate her.. I fought him though.. I wanted her with me as long as I could.
when it really mattered.. hell the only time my parenting any of my children has ever really mattered I was so selfish. I put my needs ahead of hers. I can never ever undo that..
I can never right my wrongs with her. I don’t get that lifetime to live and experience and have so much more good than bad.. And this one. This one has condemned me for the rest of my life. ..
It was her eyes. When she lost every single other thing. When it was the only ting she could control.. It was her eyes… Those eyes I longed for .. the ones I begged for.
They never lost their spirit or their life.. until they closed for the final time…
and even now. Her eyes. They seem to still carry a magic to them.
please let her matter to you. please let her continue to walk her imprint into your heart.. leave her trail of glitter.
Once I let myself .. in those final hours.. once I let myself really connect with her though her incredible brown eyes.. It changed. I knew I had to let her go. I knew I had to lead her down the path ..
i tried. baby i tried to do the most unnatural thing .. except that it is natural .. see baby girl thats what a mommy is supposed to do.
you had the heart of an incredible mom.
So many questions.. so many things I wonder about. . so many things I want to know.. So I sit here staring at her kindergarten picture.. . And I beg her to just tell me.. I beg her to explain it.. to help me understand it all..
i beg you to forgive me
So I feel it. This pain. This gut wrenching despair .. I feel it ripping through me. .. I feel like every cell in my body is light up by it. .. Real physical grief
i beg you to come back
It hurts just as much as it did right then.. except now I know.. I know the grind that grief can have on a person. I know that the 13th is simply day one of a new invisible clock.. ticking towards the 4th year.
damnit little girl
i am telling you.
come see me in my dreams.
…until there is a cure..