Category: Unravel

San Jose MNO

The low after the high.. I have realized this happens to me after all our Unravel event. I think just identifying it helps me deal with it a little bit. I get to talk about her.. to know she will be known by all in the room by the nights end. And I couldn’t do any of that without her finding a way to me. I need her. As I speak out loud I silently speak to her. One moment in particular.. I looked over at 3 very dear friends of mine standing.. crying.. supporting each other as I spoke.. I looked at them and continued on out loud with my speech while talking to her privately. look sissy, they are friends now. we did that! This was our first MNO in San Jose.. the first one of these events in my neck of the woods. So I felt a stronger[…]

ultimate graduation

Its been a really full past few days. So much going on with Unravel. 2 MNO coming up and a golf tournament.. A few different interviews and our fluttering kits going on sale.. Its been easy to escape into it all.. Its been hard to escape into it all.. Will I ever not need to actively grieve? Will I ever be ok to go more than a day without crying without a crushing weight bearing down on me? I don’t know.. I really don’t. But I am starting to worry I may never. That losing my eldest child is truly so horrible I will never not have to succumb. . even just a little every day. Along with Unravel we had sickness that has kept us homebound for several days. Jonathan missed his last day of preschool because of it. That was ok though, because he seems to be battling[…]

questions without answers

I have been so busy with Unravel things lately.. I have found little time to truly grieve. But now I have a empty and quiet home. My living babies tucked safely in their beds and my husband out with friends.. I sit and I stare off.. and I cry. So much. Unable to really even focus on what I am thinking.. just knowing that I miss my daughter terribly. My hurting still so deep an d Am I doing this wrong? Is it normal to still hurt so desperately? To still need so much time to just fall completely apart? My hurting still so deep and visceral. I feel raw. Exposed and so vulnerable. That when I go so many days without writing.. without digging in .. that when I finally sit and do it I find myself crying so vocally I have to cover my mouth.. afraid my pain[…]

finding love in Seattle

I was lucky enough to be invited to go to Seattle to speak at a fundraising event for Dr. Olsen. One of our best friends and a member of our board, Renee came with me. I was happy not to go alone! We arrived at noon and jumped right into business. But first we ate.. in the cafeteria there.. I couldn’t help but have my mind wander just a bit then.. to all the meals I shared with Jennifer in the cafeteria at Stanford. How we struggled to find gluten free food that was safe for her.. how all she wanted was eggs and french toast. How happy she was to finally get it. Simple things I remembered. Simple things I am constantly remembering and lamenting lately. We got to tour and speak with 2 different labs at Fred Hutch. We learned about their successes and struggles and most importantly what[…]

thank you

We are finally ready to share our Unravel video.. I thought I was so proud of it.. no I am proud it .. But my pride has grown and changed.. What has made me so incredibly proud today was seeing the words people have written while sharing it. About WHY it matters to THEM. To read about how what we are doing is important to so many people, many I have never met has been the boost I need to get myself above the dark waters that have been drowning me slowly over the past few weeks. And my hope is by people sharing in that manner it will help others that haven’t been touched by the glitter to allow it become part of them too.. because it matters to their friend. Please feel free to share via social media or email. I think our video is the best way we[…]

glass case

I have been gone.. been out of touch for so long.. i feel like I should write about the trip to Seattle and our family trip to bereavement camp.. I will.. but I can’t. Right now there is literally nothing else inside of me right now except the incredible want for my daughter. This is new. I don’t think I have ever felt this way. Utterly, devastatingly hollow. To describe me as a shell isn’t accurate.. A shell is stronger.. thicker than I feel right now. Charlotte only wants Jonathan .. constantly asking for him to buckle her in.. or hold her hand down the stairs or a new one just now.. Put her to bed. As I listened to them get her snuggled in I couldn’t help but realize how very much I understand. I just want Jennifer. So much. So powerful. So strong. Nothing else will do. We[…]

14

I am in a phase where looking at Jennifer’s pictures I start to smile.. it starts to fill me me warmth like the one above.. how happy and confident she looked. I remember taking that picture and lamenting with my dear friend how quickly it would be real that our two girls would be driving off together.. And that it would look just like that.. but those memories then immediately freeze me up. Because I remember she still could be here but isn’t. Somehow lately looking at her pictures is such a stark reminder of how much has changed while she is stopped in time.. locked in memories and photographs. I think its because I am noticing the changes in all of our living kids lately. .. noticing the change in my own growing belly.   We took the kids to our local amusement park this weekend. .. I woke[…]

She is beautiful

This past week was all about running.. moving..Both physically and emotionally. Preparing for our first go as Team Glitter at the She is Beautiful race and launching our first Mama’s Night Out in San Jose put me in work mode pretty much full time. This morning though I woke up in pain. My body telling me it was time to slow down a little. For the little one growing under my heart and for the one I have always carried in my heart. .. It was a beautiful weekend though. . But I miss her right now. Doing events with her so present for so many.. it somehow makes her absence so palpable afterwards. Like I got to feel like her mommy again for a little bit..only to wake in the morning to an empty pink princess covered bed. i miss you baby. It was the perfect race for us as[…]

release me

I am angry. I am frustrated. I miss my daughter. My sons. My husband. Me. I want to be free of it.. released from the repressive grip this newly emerging emotion has over me. I miss the old me.. my old life. Now all my social gatherings revolve around Unravel.. and if they don’t I find myself swimming in work later. I never wanted this kind of busy. I just wanted to be a tired Mama of 4..I thought that was hard.. Until I found out how exhausting being mommy to child in heaven is. I miss my Jennifer. I look at her pictures lately and just immediately cry. She is frozen in time while all her friends and cousins are growing up. She was a good girl. Not perfect.. but a good kind hearted child and I looked forward to seeing who she would become. I am just so[…]

my one job

I love being a mom, their mom.. I can honestly say I always have.. Right now though I feel like I am constantly running with all cylinders firing… and its starting to wear on me. I am trying to be the mom.. the wife I want to be but also run Unravel the way it needs to be run. And I feel like I am unable to do it all. I am starting to wake up exhausted. I hate that feeling. I hate not feeling like I can give my everything to all the things/people I want to give it to. So I am trying to find my little successes.. I am getting better at cooking dinners the way I used to do. That helps.. but also takes up a chunk of time everyday that I am trying to adjust to. I am doing more craft projects with the kids.[…]