I have been so busy with Unravel things lately.. I have found little time to truly grieve. But now I have a empty and quiet home. My living babies tucked safely in their beds and my husband out with friends..
I sit and I stare off.. and I cry. So much. Unable to really even focus on what I am thinking.. just knowing that I miss my daughter terribly. My hurting still so deep an d
Am I doing this wrong? Is it normal to still hurt so desperately? To still need so much time to just fall completely apart?
My hurting still so deep and visceral. I feel raw. Exposed and so vulnerable.
That when I go so many days without writing.. without digging in .. that when I finally sit and do it I find myself crying so vocally I have to cover my mouth.. afraid my pain will wake up my kids.
Is that normal? Am I ok?
I cover my mouth to stifle the sounds from my own ears too I think. In utter disbelief, trying to protect myself from hearing the truth.
Jennifer is gone. My should be 7 and a half year old is just forever barely 6. My baby.
Will I really survive this? Am I even really doing that now? Or am I just here.. just a empty body moving but not living?
I know there are no answers for this.. I know everybody’s journey is their own.. But I just wish there was a guidebook for this.. A way to really know what its like for others in corners of their life.. the places that people don’t often shine a light.
I am worried about how fine I can seem during the day to succumb like this in the night again. I never knew how well I could hide the real me.
this is the real me. I watched her suffer. I watched her die. what I don’t know is if this is all of me now?
Maybe this onslaught will cure my nightmares. They are bad again. And scary. So it seems I cannot escape my sorrow at night. It will find me. It will hunt me down. Awake or asleep it will cover me in the darkness.
i’m scared of the dark.
The blackness holds so much of my truth… the truth of all my “I don’t knows.” The things I call out to her about, for her to somehow answer me.. Am I doing everything right with Unravel, can I keep this thing afloat?
Am I being a good enough mommy to them? Are they happy? Are they ok? Are they safe? Do I hold back from them so scared to lose another one? Can I really handle a baby?
are you proud of me? are these signs really you? are you ok?
are you ok?
I don’t think I can handle not really knowing anymore. In a age of instant gratification.. of constant contact. I don’t know for sure that my 6 year old is ok. 2 simple and incredibly powerful letters. ok.
i love you
i love you
i love you jennifer lynn
..until there is a cure…