Category: heaven

 It is warmth. It is joy. It is full.

I’ve always known .. well I guess not always since I never in my wildest fears imagined this being our life.. But since she was put on hospice care I knew our kids would each take their own paths on their grief journeys. I remember them teaching us how our kids would each re-live the loss of their sister as they hit new cognitive and emotional milestones.. So I’ve know it.. It should be no surprise .. but it always is. I share all of this now for them.. An addendum to my letter to them.. (shared here) for them to know what I know. We were recently talking about the girl I believe to our Jennifer’s best friend. How it was 11 years since her family said their final goodbye to her. We talked about what we could do to support Brecken’s family. It brought to the surface each[…]

meant to be

**As I was typing the last word in this entry this song started playing.. Open it in another window as you read this.. Because I think she wants me to share her message to me, with you..** ok buggers. ok baby.. ok.. i love you. i love you. i love you I was talking with a friend today.. a new friend from my new life. My AD life.. This friends job is to fundraise for researchers.. well kinda. Her goal is really to raise money to save kids. To stop them from suffering.. from dying. . Its a big deal. It matters and it can be all consuming. The pressure can be overwhelming at times. I get it. So much. .. except I don’t. .. She asked how I dealt with it. Since we are so similar. How do I cope with that anxiety and pressure. The need to do[…]

we’re coming

When we get close to home I have a silly tradition that we will call out to whoever is waiting for us that we are on our way. Today it was just me and Charlotte and I started the call.. I called them one by one.. Daddddyyy and she would echo me..then  Bubbassss ..and  Brotherrr .. then I stopped. . I guess I must usually have at least 2 of the kids in the car because today it made me choke and gag. I gripped the steering wheel as tears bypassed the stinging stage and immediately began to fall. One missing. I whispered.. Jennifer.. over and over again. Charlotte already knowing the routine had continued on with it. “We’re cominggg” she was so damned happily yelling from behind me. I pounded the steering wheel. And then I said louder.. Sisssyyy .. Charlotte giggled and kicked, swinging her legs out.. Calling[…]

SacTownMNO

I was apart from my kids pretty much the whole weekend. But they are my why and this is my how. I said it in our Unravel video, but I truly don’t do this just for Jennifer. I love to talk about her and share her name, but I don’t need a non-profit to do that. I am a pretty loud mouthed lady! I do however need the non-profit to do my very best to protect my living children. .. See its too late for my Jennifer. But I know .. and I am scared every single day it could happen to us again. Or to one of their best friends.. or one of their children. I know the threat and I have to do something about it. MNO truly is a great way to do that. And this MNO was a blast. Let me tell you SacTown is no[…]

family pictures

I love pictures..I have always tried to take a lot of the kids. Its a struggle now.. Because there is always a piece missing. And I notice it when I look through the lens of my camera. Always when a new family member joins us we take pro pictures. I don’t know that I can this time. How can we ever do it again? I will never ever have a family picture. One of my friends mentioned the other day how happy her grandma was to get a picture with her whole family at a cousins graduation.. I will never have that. A seemingly insignificant loss in the grand scheme of life.. but it hurts.. a lot. It feels like a cruel form of torture. It really hit me recently.. with the creation of this new life growing we lost the few family pictures we had. . We thought about[…]

we all have 2 books

I think we all have 2 books we are assigned.. The first one.. our book of life. It holds all the chapters of our lives.. And the second.. well I am not at all sure about this book.. because I think it starts when the first book closes.. And I am still in midst of my life story. So many chapters I think you count on when you have a child..  Chapters you dream about and chapters you dread and many like their wedding are a mix of both. .. Sometimes those chapters never get written .. Its hard as a parent to wrap your mind around the fact that their book is done.. I find myself flipping through imaginary pages crying over the stark white staring back at me. Those never written words in our child’s book permanently alters all subsequent chapters in ours.. It was never our plan..[…]

questions without answers

I have been so busy with Unravel things lately.. I have found little time to truly grieve. But now I have a empty and quiet home. My living babies tucked safely in their beds and my husband out with friends.. I sit and I stare off.. and I cry. So much. Unable to really even focus on what I am thinking.. just knowing that I miss my daughter terribly. My hurting still so deep an d Am I doing this wrong? Is it normal to still hurt so desperately? To still need so much time to just fall completely apart? My hurting still so deep and visceral. I feel raw. Exposed and so vulnerable. That when I go so many days without writing.. without digging in .. that when I finally sit and do it I find myself crying so vocally I have to cover my mouth.. afraid my pain[…]

half alive

Its always so surprising.. what hits me like a sledgehammer.. Shows.. commercials…The way I compute basic information so different now.. This commercial was shared through social media. And it struck me down so hard. What a simple gift to just feel the touch of your child’s hand on your face. Would she know me still? I am so changed.. What about as I age.. I will be a whole different woman when we are re-united again. How strong is our connection? Now strained beyond words..beyond what I ever thought possible and its still just the beginning.. still just 14 months out. . can we outlast this sissy? i have to.. but will you? can you? Do they graduate at some point? Do they move on and away from us left behind? So much I don’t know. So much I question and I wonder about .. that I simply cannot know. But[…]

the right place

I wrote once about signs.. wondering if I had little hints and glimpses into this life I would one day be handed.. Today I realized too that maybe I have been in training for it all along too..Here is that journal.. its pretty incredible to me how much I seem to have always know.. without knowing.. My mom said today that she struggled with God.. but one thing that helped was the miracle that is my blog.. That He must be helping me write the way I have.. reaching out and into people the way that I have been able to. So it hit me.. this isn’t the first time I have actually done that. When we were struggling with infertility and miscarriages I was part of this forum of woman. In the beginning I didn’t know any of them.. so I poured myself out to them .. feeling safe[…]

a thousand years

Tomorrow is one year since her services. Tony is out with the guys tonight so I have spent the last 90 minutes watching the video of her services. Crying and laughing.. much like I did that day. I watched it ..I watched me .. I remembered how I felt. The pull from above. The strength in her presence that day. And I miss it. The newness of it all that allowed it not to hurt so much. I cried much more.. I cried much harder watching it all unfold again today. But it was perfect it really truly was. The only time I really cried that day was the end of it all. When we were all done cleaning up the reception and Tony walked into the room. I just went to his arms.. and I sobbed. For a moment he was protective. Wanting to know who upset me.. until[…]

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