half alive

Its always so surprising.. what hits me like a sledgehammer.. Shows.. commercials…The way I compute basic information so different now..

This commercial was shared through social media. And it struck me down so hard. What a simple gift to just feel the touch of your child’s hand on your face. Would she know me still? I am so changed.. What about as I age.. I will be a whole different woman when we are re-united again.

How strong is our connection? Now strained beyond words..beyond what I ever thought possible and its still just the beginning.. still just 14 months out. .

can we outlast this sissy? i have to.. but will you? can you?

Do they graduate at some point? Do they move on and away from us left behind? So much I don’t know. So much I question and I wonder about .. that I simply cannot know. But I also cannot stop thinking about.

did i do a good job helping you transition? i had no idea how to do it..

but it was my right.

oh baby it was my honor.

So many questions that torture me… the unknown of our past together and her current without me. The longing for her is so intense right now. Just for a moment. Just long enough to feel her hands on my face again. .. to hear her sweet and now forever sing songy little voice. The way it lifted at the end of every sentence still.

My favorite was the way Jennifer talked to much younger kids.. the way she naturally dropped to their level and changed her voice to be a bit higher.. a bit lighter to engage with them.

oh how i miss such a beautiful sound

I looked so forward to watching her become a mommy. She was always training for that role.. one that would have been her greatest achievement.. Why? Why was she always preparing for something she would never get to be.. someone who she would never grow to be? Why.. why..

She made me a mommy and Jonathan made her a big sister.
She made me a mommy and Jonathan made her a big sister.

More forever unanswered questions that stab at me from the inside out.

We watched a episode of criminal minds the other night.. (spoiler alert) .. a child almost dies. I instinctively grabbed for Tony the way I would have 2 years ago.. seeking a bit of stability from his touch. Full of that immediate sadness for this pretend mom experiencing what has always been my very worst fear.

But this boy doesn’t die, they are reunited. Watching him run towards his mothers outstretched arms broke me. I cried. I long for that moment so much still. I can still imagine what it would be like.

How it would feel with her weight pounding into me..half alive3

How my arms would feel so full again with the ability to wrap around all of my children.

And then it strikes me. I wipe my face and look at my husband. Asking him how we ended up here..

How do I know that? How do I know what its like to actually lose a child?

How am I here..

half dead. I am truly half dead..

But my God .. I still have a lifetime left to live. ..

half alive. I am half alive too.

Jonathan, Nicholas, Charlotte and our dandelion wish….

so much i don’t know

so much i don’t understand

but i know

you want me

here

half alive4..until there is a cure..

10 Responses to “half alive”

  1. When you are reunited with her, when you are a grandmother or great grandmother, when you have seen DIPG crumpled in the garbage and no longer be a 6-year-old’s death sentence, when you meet, you will both be exactly the same as when you said goodbye to each other. It will be beautiful and no time will have passed. I don’t know why I know this, but I know this. And she will forgive you any guilt you are feeling and say it’s ok mamma. And she will be so proud of you.

  2. She is so proud of you. Knowing that what you are doing is for her. For every child who has to go thru this terrible thing called cancer. Jennifer loves you still so very much. We all do. We love all of you. And we love her so so very much. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  3. So much love being sent to your broken heart. I wish I could ease the pain and the guilt. But I cant, just know that she loves you infinitely. Time is temporary. Love is forever.

  4. I wholeheartedly believe that the moment you see her it will be just as it was when you saw her for the first time. Instant recognition-this is my mom and this is my daughter. Unreserved love.

  5. Tears tonight as I read this. I also believe as Kimberly says. When we are reunited with our loved ones, it’ll be as if time stood still. That’s my prayer.
    You are an AMAZING momma. You are doing everything you can to raise all your kiddos. They will have such compassionate hearts as they grow up. You and Tony are teaching them that.

  6. No matter how much you change, inside and out, Jennifer will always know your heart. She will always know your soul.

    You have a wonderful way with words, even the hard ones that no one wants to hear. Again, thank you for sharing your journey and Jennifer’s legacy with us. I am honored to fight this monster by your side.

  7. On the way home from a doctors this morning I heard a song that I’ve heard many times before and it struck a cord. My first thought was you and Jennifer; Kenny Chesney’s Who’d You’d Be Today. “Settle down with a family, I wonder what would you name your babies?” The way you speak about her being born to be a mother and how that was stolen from her. God, it makes me mad, so mad!

    Its raining here in Texas this morning. Driving home in the rain with this song playing thinking about you and Jennifer made me feel like I had to tell you. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life but Jennifer was the first one to come to my mind today. #love4jlk

  8. Scrolling down that last photo to see the dragonfly necklace…it breaks my heart. I think your soul will still be instantly recognizable to your dear daughter even after many years pass.

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