Its always so surprising.. what hits me like a sledgehammer.. Shows.. commercials…The way I compute basic information so different now..
This commercial was shared through social media. And it struck me down so hard. What a simple gift to just feel the touch of your child’s hand on your face. Would she know me still? I am so changed.. What about as I age.. I will be a whole different woman when we are re-united again.
How strong is our connection? Now strained beyond words..beyond what I ever thought possible and its still just the beginning.. still just 14 months out. .
can we outlast this sissy? i have to.. but will you? can you?
Do they graduate at some point? Do they move on and away from us left behind? So much I don’t know. So much I question and I wonder about .. that I simply cannot know. But I also cannot stop thinking about.
did i do a good job helping you transition? i had no idea how to do it..
but it was my right.
oh baby it was my honor.
So many questions that torture me… the unknown of our past together and her current without me. The longing for her is so intense right now. Just for a moment. Just long enough to feel her hands on my face again. .. to hear her sweet and now forever sing songy little voice. The way it lifted at the end of every sentence still.
My favorite was the way Jennifer talked to much younger kids.. the way she naturally dropped to their level and changed her voice to be a bit higher.. a bit lighter to engage with them.
oh how i miss such a beautiful sound
I looked so forward to watching her become a mommy. She was always training for that role.. one that would have been her greatest achievement.. Why? Why was she always preparing for something she would never get to be.. someone who she would never grow to be? Why.. why..
More forever unanswered questions that stab at me from the inside out.
We watched a episode of criminal minds the other night.. (spoiler alert) .. a child almost dies. I instinctively grabbed for Tony the way I would have 2 years ago.. seeking a bit of stability from his touch. Full of that immediate sadness for this pretend mom experiencing what has always been my very worst fear.
But this boy doesn’t die, they are reunited. Watching him run towards his mothers outstretched arms broke me. I cried. I long for that moment so much still. I can still imagine what it would be like.
How my arms would feel so full again with the ability to wrap around all of my children.
And then it strikes me. I wipe my face and look at my husband. Asking him how we ended up here..
How do I know that? How do I know what its like to actually lose a child?
How am I here..
half dead. I am truly half dead..
But my God .. I still have a lifetime left to live. ..
half alive. I am half alive too.
Jonathan, Nicholas, Charlotte and our dandelion wish….
so much i don’t know
so much i don’t understand
but i know
you want me