When we get close to home I have a silly tradition that we will call out to whoever is waiting for us that we are on our way. Today it was just me and Charlotte and I started the call..
I called them one by one.. Daddddyyy and she would echo me..then Bubbassss ..and Brotherrr .. then I stopped. .
I guess I must usually have at least 2 of the kids in the car because today it made me choke and gag. I gripped the steering wheel as tears bypassed the stinging stage and immediately began to fall.
I whispered.. Jennifer.. over and over again.
Charlotte already knowing the routine had continued on with it. “We’re cominggg” she was so damned happily yelling from behind me.
I pounded the steering wheel. And then I said louder.. Sisssyyy .. Charlotte giggled and kicked, swinging her legs out.. Calling the name of the girl she kisses in the picture frame.
She isn’t at home waiting for us.. She is buried down the street.. part of her is on our mantle…And this morning it just really made me sad. Nothing deeper or more substantial than that. Just sad. Just really really sad.
I think thats it for me right now. I just miss her. Terribly. I am trying to prepare myself for that not to end.. Tomorrow is the garlic festival. She loved going. I remember last year. How numb I still was. Even that feels like a lifetime ago. The year before that when she was here.. when my biggest concern was trying to find the princesses for her to take a picture with and figuring out some gluten free food to buy her.
I did my own “no into yes” yesterday and loaded the kids up and took them to the Discovery museum in San Jose. We have been several times since she died. But yesterday it was this moment, one so engrained I didn’t need to film it, that I couldn’t get out of my head.
She was in treatment, us girls were living in Palo Alto while the boys stayed home. So we met them there. saw us and ran.. each for the woman they loved most in this world.. I’m glad I do have it recorded though.. because I think it shows the love… the missing and the joy.
That memory played the whole time we were there.. I couldn’t shake the sad. The wanting to feel her invisible hand slip into mine. ..
It’s really just the simple things though, this picture I found yesterday looking for the right ones for last nights blog. .. I sent it to my friend. Because it is one of my favorite of these 2 girls..
I want to say forever friends.. but I am so scared to allow myself to trust that. They were just babies..
Will anybody but me and Tony really remember her for always?
She was already dying. But you can’t tell. So much life and sparkle in her eyes. So much joy. Her eyes dulled as she slowly died. The sparkle and life drained out of them. A 6 year old child should never have to endure that. A parent should never have to witness that.. helplessly.
I know its hard to look at these kinds of pictures.. especially following that last one taken just weeks earlier. But please don’t look away…
This is her truth. Let it now also be yours.
They were always trusting though.. and love. She never lost the love in her eyes. In the end her eyes which had always been something that captivated others.. myself included.. Took on such a depth and wisdom…beyond anything I have seen in another persons eyes. .. I think I forget how they looked before that.
Mine have changed too I think.. I know Tony’s have. I have aged so much in less than 2 years. We all aged in those 3.5 months she lived with cancer. Jennifer especially .. but since then I feel like we have all aged rapidly.. I have aged 500 years. I see things differently and I react differently.
In that picture with her friend I see my daughter. As she is today. But the girl next to her is so much older. It’s been long enough that my mind is really starting to twist up against that. Confusion taking over to try to sort out how Jennifer can look the same while her friends are aging.
Logically I know why. .. But it seems my mind has protected me from the truth.. warping reality so the images don’t destroy me. Time is passing though.. and the mirage I didn’t even realize I was creating is starting to warble.. making me want to claw my eyes out.
i don’t know how long its gonna be
but baby girl
i am coming back to you.
…until there is a cure..