Category: her eyes

we’re coming

When we get close to home I have a silly tradition that we will call out to whoever is waiting for us that we are on our way. Today it was just me and Charlotte and I started the call.. I called them one by one.. Daddddyyy and she would echo me..then  Bubbassss ..and  Brotherrr .. then I stopped. . I guess I must usually have at least 2 of the kids in the car because today it made me choke and gag. I gripped the steering wheel as tears bypassed the stinging stage and immediately began to fall. One missing. I whispered.. Jennifer.. over and over again. Charlotte already knowing the routine had continued on with it. “We’re cominggg” she was so damned happily yelling from behind me. I pounded the steering wheel. And then I said louder.. Sisssyyy .. Charlotte giggled and kicked, swinging her legs out.. Calling[…]

just a glimpse

Today I was driving, just a few minutes without the kids in the car and my mind escapes me. I drove past the cemetery and as I always do I turn my head.. to try to take a peek at my daughter. But today it hit me.. how incredibly wrong that is. That this isn’t the glimpse of Jennifer I should be trying to get. I should drive past her school or her camp to steal a look at her. I remember doing it those few weeks she was at a real school… driving past or parking early before school gets out. Just trying to see her without me there. How foreign I thought that was, to have her be apart from me for so many hours in a day. To not know if kids were being nice to her.. if she was hungry or sad.. What I wouldn’t give for[…]

February 1

Hey Super Bowl. Fuck you. And while we are at it. February can go screw off too. .. Well maybe not. Maybe I love Februaury too. Because its the last month I held her. The last month I felt her heart beating.. Always strong until the moment it stopped. Just like Jennifer was. Today sucks. Because Tony wants to watch the game. Because he doesn’t have the same connection to this day that I do. So we both feel guilty for upsetting the other one. Because Jonathan just can’t stop hurting right now. His pain is strong. Intense. Real and for him so confusing. He doesn’t understand why its suddenly so palpable again. So he is constantly looking for reasons and explanations to explain why the feelings are bubbling. But the truth is.. its simply just almost been a year. And all parts of his body remember. We had all[…]

good

Last night was good for me. It was completely gutting. I woke up with eyes swollen and heavy. .. but that was so much better than the weight I had been carrying around inside of me. Tony came in the door after I was done writing.. and I dissolved into his arms. I was so grateful for that moment.  So thankful for my best friend. Tonight I remembered that Jonathan doesn’t have that anymore. His best friend is gone.. After bed he came toddling out to us and asked Daddy to sleep in our bed.. why? Because Jennifer did. We talked more about it and decided he wouldn’t, but that we would plan it for another night. What is he thinking and feeling that would make that come up for him? I will go to him tonight after I finish writing. And I will pray that I never ever have[…]

half a year

6 months. Half a year. So long since I have touched her.. yet still so long until I feel her again. “They” say that most kids don’t come through for their parents for a minimum of 6 months… I have been waiting for and dreading this day. Because now I am truly waiting for my dream with her.. yet still terrified of the nightmare.. Somehow 6 months feel so much longer than 5 months. This 11th was quite different from the last ones I have experienced. Tonight I went to go assemble the fluttering kits. They are beautiful.. I am proud of what we have accomplished. But mostly I am moved. I hope fluttering becomes bigger and so much more than Jennifer. But the truth is.. this year its all about her, and tonight I let myself enjoy that. The vast majority of people ordering kits did so because of[…]