Category: burying a child

the pendulum swings..

4 years. When you become a parent time becomes so flexible.. You can look at your 4 year old and feel like they are still so little.. yet be completely unable to remember life without them.. My guess is that never changes?? I think that maybe even my Mom looks at me like that.. However, I do know my grief is just like that.. I cannot believe its been 4 years.. the pain is still so raw and so fresh.. especially right now that I find myself wondering if I can really survive this for the rest of my life.. and.. I cannot believe its only been 4 years. I forget what it was like to parent a healthy.. living, breathing Jennifer. I hate that. I hate not only that its my truth but I hate giving that part of my pain life..  That part that feels like I can’t[…]

find me again..

Sometimes we resist what we know.. this blog is really just a continuation of this one.. And sometimes urges and pushes are so strong we cannot ignore them.. I pulled the boys out of school and took them on a mommy and boys date to the movies. Coco. None of us had seen it… it was only in one theatre 40 mins away.. But I had this strong urge.. we were meant to go. The 3 of us had the entire place to ourselves. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be.. Until the final scene.. when my deepest hope for what its like for me and Jennifer now was on screen. The movie ended and we left the theatre and went on the hunt for something to eat at the mall.. We talked as we walked .. in the best boy talking way.. moving and not[…]

What’s it like- living with child loss

Whats it like? What’s it like to be you? I see it. I think that is probably the number 1 question I see burning behind people’s eyes that is never asked. Though it’s hinted to… in the escape of words like I can’t imagine. .. So I’ll tell you.. It’s showing up to drop my son off late at school.. walking him into the cafeteria to get one last hug as he drops off his lunch box. Something is going on.. lots of kids and fun. Its seeing a mom who asks if I am ready for the craziness.. It’s asking what and hearing that its the 3rd grade arcade day. Its the wonder for just a moment.. until you can feel the ground move beneath you.. She should be in there.. And the gym that was moments ago just 15 feet away somehow becomes miles away.. at the end[…]

my friend Grief

Its February. Its here. This month that fills me with such dread.. Its here. And with her she brings my old friend.. Grief. True. Utter. Grief. Grief that hollows me out. This friend.  The one I can’t remember not knowing, yet somewhere along the line, I was able to put in some separation.. Able to call on her .. versus her calling on me.. With this month that friend is back. Holding my hands .. matching my every step. I feel like I am being slowly pushed towards an invisible line and everything in me is fighting against it.. I’m losing though. . Ive always lost to February. I find myself constantly crying. Every time I get in the car .. Even those times my mind feels blank or preoccupied .. the moment the door closes I feel that familiar prick and sting in my eyes.. Grief. She grabs my[…]

prison

I always want to figure it out. I always want to know why I am aching so much more than normal. But even now. Just sitting down behind my computer the tears are already flowing.. And I can’t say for sure why. There is a little girl, she looks very much like my Jennifer. Aptly named, her FB page is Katherine the Brave. And her mom has shared videos of her. And never held back from showing a snapshot of the brutal and harsh reality of DIPG. How it slowly chokes the life out of our children. .. How it tightens its grip..so cruelly slow. Leaving them completely aware of whats happening. ***moments after I posted this Katherines mom posted she had joined Jennifer earlier this evening. I hope they can become friends. And I am so damned sorry*** I saw one recently .. just scrolled past.. I didn’t need[…]

meant to be

**As I was typing the last word in this entry this song started playing.. Open it in another window as you read this.. Because I think she wants me to share her message to me, with you..** ok buggers. ok baby.. ok.. i love you. i love you. i love you I was talking with a friend today.. a new friend from my new life. My AD life.. This friends job is to fundraise for researchers.. well kinda. Her goal is really to raise money to save kids. To stop them from suffering.. from dying. . Its a big deal. It matters and it can be all consuming. The pressure can be overwhelming at times. I get it. So much. .. except I don’t. .. She asked how I dealt with it. Since we are so similar. How do I cope with that anxiety and pressure. The need to do[…]

18 months gone

18 months. I simply can’t believe it. officially a year and half since I have touched you.. since i have felt your warm breath in my face. 18 months since i have seen a new goofy pose for the camera.. I am still in shock over how badly it hurts. Over how much I notice the hole. I think I somehow thought by now I would be more adjusted to this new normal. But I am not. I get asked all the time at the end of this pregnancy if I am hoping for another girl.. if I am ready for a 4th. I smile and say its our 5th we have another daughter. Rarely do people follow up with another question. Yesterday a woman did.. Handing out a sample to my kids at Costco she asked where the other girl was. I told her she was in heaven. She didn’t[…]

is versus was

Early on when I started this blog I had a lot of people wanting to know about the story of Jennifer coming to make us a family. I never really answered because it was the most insignificant part of our story.. I missed out on an additional 9 months with my Jennifer. I have always missed that time.. . But also known how much it just doesn’t matter. Biology doesn’t make a family. Tony is my family. My rock. My husband. The first of the 6 true loves of my life. And we are most certainly not related by blood. I do not love Jonathan or Nicholas or Charlotte because I was lucky enough to be pregnant with them.. or because we are tied by genetics.. It’s our love that binds us… because when they draw on the wall with sharpie its not a genetic thing that saves them.. its[…]

i really truly do

Sometimes the feelings that rise up surprise me.. The ones that make me feel like everything about me is all wrong. The ones that make me remember nothing will ever be right again. I love this new baby already. I really truly do.. But its not supposed to be coming. .. We were supposed to be done. I should be lamenting packing up the last of our baby things as Charlotte is now growing into a official big girl. The time we waited for. Kids big enough to be a little self sufficient and each others friends. My house should be bustling full.. and so perfect looking. Bookend daughters. But its not. We are preparing to start all over again. Older than we ever imagined we would be with a newborn. .. And with a sharp jagged edge to us. I love this new baby already. I really truly do..[…]

we’re coming

When we get close to home I have a silly tradition that we will call out to whoever is waiting for us that we are on our way. Today it was just me and Charlotte and I started the call.. I called them one by one.. Daddddyyy and she would echo me..then  Bubbassss ..and  Brotherrr .. then I stopped. . I guess I must usually have at least 2 of the kids in the car because today it made me choke and gag. I gripped the steering wheel as tears bypassed the stinging stage and immediately began to fall. One missing. I whispered.. Jennifer.. over and over again. Charlotte already knowing the routine had continued on with it. “We’re cominggg” she was so damned happily yelling from behind me. I pounded the steering wheel. And then I said louder.. Sisssyyy .. Charlotte giggled and kicked, swinging her legs out.. Calling[…]