Mom small talk. How are the kids? What are they up to. Every time I am split in two .. Part beaming with pride over the ever-changing humans we are raising. How busy we are with their lives.. sports and theatre.. drivers licenses and make-up .. I have new stories and tales to share.. They are remarkable people. Unique and wonderful. ..Part of me is overflowing with the joy of who they are becoming..

And the other part.. Silently screaming.

Sometimes I wonder who she would be.. A senior in high school .. touring colleges.. But mostly I just simply whisper her name in my head.. I think I touch the picture that hangs from my neck.

Jennifer Lynn.

The one that made me a Mama. She is more than just our “oldest that passed away” .. And I have no new stories to share..

Jennifer Lynn. She was here.

And I know she is still doing big things. . But those aren’t the kinds of things you share in a causal Mom conversation. ..

i know you are making a difference Jennifer.. i know you are still fighting

So I am splintered.. My heart beating all 5 of their names and my mouth only able to share 4 of them.

Tonight I sat in the car. And the angry bitter rose up .. I hate this month. I remember being pregnant and seeing expiration dates for my due date month and being so excited. Now I see Feb on my milk carton and I curse.

I sat. I gripped the steering wheel and I acknowledged just for a moment the ache rumbling inside. Unwilling to stay locked away much longer. .. But the thing is I am too busy.. or perhaps more honestly I’m too scared to allow myself to feel. Its big. And it hurts.

Because I know when I don’t. She is like sand flowing through my fingers. If I don’t hurt. I don’t connect. If I don’t connect I can’t hurt.. Or at least I think thats what I have been telling myself.

And then I had this idea.. I can. I can use these days leading to the 12th to share her. Here. And relief flooded me.. A need to get home and to my computer.. A need to get to her..

i miss you Jennifer. not just the daughter i could touch but your soul. we haven’t talked in a long time..

I’ll be honest. Im overwhelmed.. I had this idea I would find a picture and have a simple story to tell about that moment .. but I found myself dancing from picture to picture.. moment to moment.. Just absorbing and remembering.. Missing and longing.. but also smiling. ..

So perhaps this is what it is tonight. Perhaps it will come easier tomorrow. .. Or maybe not.. Maybe its just for me.

and you

me and you..

…until there is a cure..