Category: 12th

the pendulum swings..

4 years. When you become a parent time becomes so flexible.. You can look at your 4 year old and feel like they are still so little.. yet be completely unable to remember life without them.. My guess is that never changes?? I think that maybe even my Mom looks at me like that.. However, I do know my grief is just like that.. I cannot believe its been 4 years.. the pain is still so raw and so fresh.. especially right now that I find myself wondering if I can really survive this for the rest of my life.. and.. I cannot believe its only been 4 years. I forget what it was like to parent a healthy.. living, breathing Jennifer. I hate that. I hate not only that its my truth but I hate giving that part of my pain life..  That part that feels like I can’t[…]

my friend Grief

Its February. Its here. This month that fills me with such dread.. Its here. And with her she brings my old friend.. Grief. True. Utter. Grief. Grief that hollows me out. This friend.  The one I can’t remember not knowing, yet somewhere along the line, I was able to put in some separation.. Able to call on her .. versus her calling on me.. With this month that friend is back. Holding my hands .. matching my every step. I feel like I am being slowly pushed towards an invisible line and everything in me is fighting against it.. I’m losing though. . Ive always lost to February. I find myself constantly crying. Every time I get in the car .. Even those times my mind feels blank or preoccupied .. the moment the door closes I feel that familiar prick and sting in my eyes.. Grief. She grabs my[…]

18 months gone

18 months. I simply can’t believe it. officially a year and half since I have touched you.. since i have felt your warm breath in my face. 18 months since i have seen a new goofy pose for the camera.. I am still in shock over how badly it hurts. Over how much I notice the hole. I think I somehow thought by now I would be more adjusted to this new normal. But I am not. I get asked all the time at the end of this pregnancy if I am hoping for another girl.. if I am ready for a 4th. I smile and say its our 5th we have another daughter. Rarely do people follow up with another question. Yesterday a woman did.. Handing out a sample to my kids at Costco she asked where the other girl was. I told her she was in heaven. She didn’t[…]

is this normal

Baby Charlotte is 2. I have never had a 2 year old without a newborn on my hip.. She was supposed to stay the baby of our family.. she won’t. And we are so very grateful for this new baby we are waiting to arrive.. but wish I could have all of them here.. Its a bittersweet thing. Getting down the decorations I actually really liked seeing all the things we had hung up over the years for Jennifer. I touched them .. so many starting to break apart now and I remembered how much she enjoyed getting to wake up on the morning of her birthday to a decorated house.. how she had her own princess and Dora and pink sparkly decorations.. I liked it. I smiled remembering her and those birthday moments. We have some decorations that are hung up for all the kids. I remembered her being[…]

can’t

A year later and nothing has changed. Again. Here I am . Without her. And today is so much harder than yesterday was. So. Much. Harder. I remember this day so vividly. I wouldn’t get out of bed. I think its the only day in my life I have done that. Tony and my sister went to the funeral parlor. I was in no rush. I didn’t understand why we had to go right away. I yelled at him. Told him I wasn’t going to shower. Wasn’t going to change my clothes. I have never been so angry with him in our entire relationship.. as when he suggested I shower. I couldn’t imagine washing her off of me. I still had remnants of her.. of the last moments of her life on me and I never wanted to have it go away. No. A year. Now its a real year.[…]

the difference a year makes

A year ago people woke up to this posting. .. This picture still makes me my hands and feet go dumb when I look at it. ..It makes the blood pound in my ears. .. Yesterday 7 children died from cancer. ….my child wasn’t one of them. Today 7 children will die from cancer. My daughter is one of them. She gifted me her first and her last breath. . . and so many beautiful ones in between.     Everybody that loves Jennifer has different “last perfect days” But a year ago was mine. 2/12/14. I know that’s hard to understand. But February 12th was the last day I held my daughter. It was the last time I felt her heartbeat under my hand. And those hours leading up to her death were beyond words. The connection I felt with her was the deepest most fulfilling relationship I have experienced.[…]

reach me

I feel like she is trying so hard to reach me. I feel like the distance is so thin right now. I don’t know how to deal with that. Because no matter how close she feels she is still impossible to touch. Its a unique twist on torture. To have my daughter feel like she is just barely out of my grasp…Like in movies when the characters keep missing each other just by a fraction of a second. why can’t i get to her? please she is my daughter .. please just let me have her again. … please. I want to say she is only 6 but I know in thats not really what it is.. Its that I am her mommy.. its that I need her. So many signs I am seeing. Tonight such a different thing I am feeling.   It started yesterday in the rain with the[…]

honor her

Its kid time for us right now. Time we had planned to celebrate all the great things about their sister and about them. To show them in actionable and tangible ways how much they all mean to us. …but you know how the best laid plans always seem to turn out.. Rain. Sickness .. The first day went ok. Tony went into work for just a half day. While he was gone the kids and I wanted to watch video of Jennifer. But I struggled to find any. They got frustrated. I did too. Just a thing they wanted.. memories of her moving. singing. talking. With them. But I couldn’t provide it right away. Eventually I found some. We watched her learn to swim.. we watched her swim by herself and we watched her pretend to swim for a gold medal she had made for herself during the summer olympics.[…]

integrity

Integrity.. its what you do when nobody is looking. Often I have forgotten that even when it feels like nobody is looking my most important and treasured audience usually is. My kids. They deserve the best of me and they haven’t always gotten it. Its one thing I will be forever grateful to Jennifer and this blog for.. Helping me find my way to my every 12th promise. For them because of her.. I will do it every 12th. This month I was lucky enough to have kids still young enough that they are my “them”. So I took them to a place I knew they would love. I took Jennifer there when she a little younger than Charlotte is now. A multi roomed preschooler fantasy land. They loved it. We talked about her. What she would have liked.. how she taught them to be good siblings and me to[…]

4 words

The eve of another 12th.. ..the last 12th before THE 12th. Before it all just starts over again. And its just another day we have lived without her. .. again. How much heartache can one little home hold? Tony is crying .. often. Daily. Its heart wrenching to see the man I love look at me with so much despair.. and I have nothing to offer him. This morning I started to say do you have any idea what we can do to make it better for you. But I stopped myself. Because I know the answer.. and even if there was something I know we shouldn’t be stopping it anyway. But he is hurting. A constant missing of her. A constant empty and lacking for him. That digs and digs .. and just seems to be unrelenting. And harder each day. I want to help him. Somehow heal a[…]

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