reach me

I feel like she is trying so hard to reach me. I feel like the distance is so thin right now. I don’t know how to deal with that. Because no matter how close she feels she is still impossible to touch.

Its a unique twist on torture.

To have my daughter feel like she is just barely out of my grasp…Like in movies when the characters keep missing each other just by a fraction of a second.

why can’t i get to her? please she is my daughter .. please just let me have her again. … please. I want to say she is only 6 but I know in thats not really what it is..

Its that I am her mommy.. its that I need her.

So many signs I am seeing. Tonight such a different thing I am feeling.

 

Skin of a peach..
Skin of a peach..

It started yesterday in the rain with the boys… during that time right in front of our driveway..

reach1

Where I had splashed so often with her.. with all of them. I felt something a bit different then.  A more complete happy then I have in a year. .. We were soaked. Completely and totally. She would have loved it.

I think she did. .. somehow I believe that. And it scares the crap out of me.

reach2

So many people sharing dreams with me lately. But completely random people.. that feel a compulsion to tell me that they dreamt of her. I think she is trying any means necessary . I think she sees my pain. Hears my desperate cries in the shower. Sees me sitting at night with the computer .. with my hands holding my head more often than typing on the keys.

I think she knows I need to hurt like this. I think she knows I need to empty. Completely. Totally. To ever be able to start to fill up again. So I think she is trying to help me feel.

Deep.

Dark.

Pain.

I know you want me to be happy honey. I just don’t know how to get there. I know you love me. And I also know you don’t miss me. It’s me only me in this relationship feeling the void of missing you.

It shouldn’t be like this..

I shouldn’t be leaning on you.

Looking to you for answers .. for the strength I fear I will never find.

But our roles are reversed now aren’t they buggers?

thank you for not leaving me.

thank you for trying so hard.

and

thank you sissy miss

thank you

for being my daughter.

reach4

..until there is a cure..

 

19 Responses to “reach me”

  1. I read, think about all of you everyday, I don’t comment very often because I don’t seem to have the way if writing like you do. You have given me a gift, I understand a little bit how my mom must feel after loosing her son, to make up for not being the perfect mom to my children by being a better grammie. I plan on giving 12 on Thursday I have no idea what it is but I know I will know exactly what to do on that day. God bless and protect all of you. Thank you for your gifts.

  2. I decided this morning while I was getting ready for work that I wasn’t going to share this with you. It wasn’t until I starting to read the paragraph about random people telling you about Jennifer in their dreams. As soon as I started to read that sentence, the goose bumps came over me and realized that I had to share. That it’s not fair to you if I keep it to myself. But Jennifer was in my dream last night. I was driving home yesterday after work and Sara Bareilles – Brave came on. I said out loud (in the car alone) “This song always reminds me of Jennifer Lynn Kranz”, and listened to the entire song, even though it makes me sad. Then I wake up this morning realizing Jennifer was actually in my dream. I am upset because I cannot remember anything else about the dream, other than she was in it. I don’t know how Libby, buy you WILL find the strength, I haven’t the slightest idea when, but you will. A love like this doesn’t just disappear. It lives another way that we can’t comprehend. Sorry if this sounds too odd, or out there. If you ever have any questions or anything, I am on Facebook – friends with Unravel, and my email of course. You can always reach out to me to ask me anything. Something I also wanted to mention, what an amazing mother to 4 babies you are. Please take it for what it’s worth, I truly think you are an incredible mom. Sending love to you always, Silvia

  3. Her soul will always be around you, lifting you up.

    I read a quote somewhere similar to, whatever our souls are made of his and mine are the same. I think that is why you Jennifer are so connected. On top of you being her mother, obviously. But your souls are the same. Honest, pure, strong, kind, and currently broken.

    You will be able to put the pieces back together in time; it will never be the same but it wont be shattered on the floor. Her soul will hold the pieces together for you. <3

  4. She will be forever in my hearts…always. i think about her so much throughout the day. I think about you all alot. I will honor her Thursday and always. She will never be forgotten. I love you Jennifer! I love you all. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  5. I also wasn’t going to share this because I wasn’t sure if it might seem odd or like an intrusion on your own dreams and memories, but about two weeks ago I also had a dream about Jennifer. I don’t remember most of the details, but despite having never met her (or you) in real life, I felt an intense and incredibly real joy coming from her as she laughed and played in the rain. Maybe she was sending an early message to say she would be there with you three.

    Continued love, prayers, and support to you all. <3

  6. Seeing pictures and watching her glitter shoot, I can see the pure love between you and Jennifer. I believe what you see is her being there for you. Sending you love always, and always continuing to read. Love4JLK Always.

  7. I don’t know you. But I grew up in San Jose and I know people who know you. Jennifer has touched my very soul since the first time I came across your blog, which was not too long before she passed away. I think about your daughter more than I think about most people I really do know in person. When I hear Brave, I turn it up and sing along and cry. I never got the honor of meeting her or you, her amazing family, but I think about you and am sending you as much strength as I can every day. UNTIL THERE IS A CURE.

  8. Oh Libby those are signs she there with you all the time. Thank you for sharing your beautiful Angel with us Jennifer Lynn Kranz. Always in my heart

  9. We are all here with you Jennifer. With you and for you, feeling what you feel, aching for you and loving you. A circle of mothers. As though you were my own child, all I want is to take the pain away from you. I would take it if I could. Give it to all of us we will carry it for you, with you. Your journey is long but the path is wide because we are ALL walking beside you. Sending you love today and always. A St Nix mom

  10. Libby, I meant to write your name in my post but I accidentally put Jennifer’s. I think it was for a reason. I was picturing your face and your energy but my hands wrote Jennifer. I think that is because she is always with you, she is there, Libby. She is a part of you. She is bringing you through this. Back to the light. And we are all here for you, Libby and Jennifer.

  11. Your family is in my thoughts ALOT this week and I am saying some extra prayers for JLK visits. Ive been wearing my LOVE4JLK shirt all week and will continue to spread the glitter. Jennifer and her siblings are so very lucky to have a mom like you Libby. Continued prayers

  12. The world is with you today, the 11th, and all the 11ths of the future…the day on the cusp of such destructive loss. We offer up our grief in the hopes it eases your burden somewhat.

  13. Still here reading and fight with you Libby. Your word and pain are piercing. You’ve changed lives, Jennifer’s story and life has changed lives.

  14. Libby,
    First, I want to thank you for sharing your feelings & your memories of Jennifer. So many feel her presence, the majority of us never had the honor & pleasure of meeting her, you or your family. So many are fighting so hard because of Jennifer and so many more will honor her memory by taking the fight for a cure a step further. Every. single. day. <3

    I never met y'all personally, but growing up in Gilroy, I felt a strong connection that is embedded deep in my heart and soul. I just wanted you to know that Jennifer is every dragonfly I see (I have her flutterflies in my front garden where everyone, where I can see them every time I step out the door or back up to the path). Everytime I see them, see a dragonfly in flight, it reminds me of your lovely glitter girl. Of the beautiful glitter girl that stole our hearts and became a part of us.

    Blessings to you all.

    Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer…..Because her name is just as important now, as the day she was born. xoxo <3

  15. That last picture of you and Jennifer standing in the water is absolutely beautiful! It reminds me of what heaven might look like, peaceful and breathtaking, a calmness of love exudes from that picture. Thinking of you, your family, and of course your beautiful Jennifer always!

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