I feel like she is trying so hard to reach me. I feel like the distance is so thin right now. I don’t know how to deal with that. Because no matter how close she feels she is still impossible to touch.
Its a unique twist on torture.
To have my daughter feel like she is just barely out of my grasp…Like in movies when the characters keep missing each other just by a fraction of a second.
why can’t i get to her? please she is my daughter .. please just let me have her again. … please. I want to say she is only 6 but I know in thats not really what it is..
Its that I am her mommy.. its that I need her.
So many signs I am seeing. Tonight such a different thing I am feeling.
It started yesterday in the rain with the boys… during that time right in front of our driveway..
Where I had splashed so often with her.. with all of them. I felt something a bit different then. A more complete happy then I have in a year. .. We were soaked. Completely and totally. She would have loved it.
I think she did. .. somehow I believe that. And it scares the crap out of me.
So many people sharing dreams with me lately. But completely random people.. that feel a compulsion to tell me that they dreamt of her. I think she is trying any means necessary . I think she sees my pain. Hears my desperate cries in the shower. Sees me sitting at night with the computer .. with my hands holding my head more often than typing on the keys.
I think she knows I need to hurt like this. I think she knows I need to empty. Completely. Totally. To ever be able to start to fill up again. So I think she is trying to help me feel.
I know you want me to be happy honey. I just don’t know how to get there. I know you love me. And I also know you don’t miss me. It’s me only me in this relationship feeling the void of missing you.
It shouldn’t be like this..
I shouldn’t be leaning on you.
Looking to you for answers .. for the strength I fear I will never find.
But our roles are reversed now aren’t they buggers?
thank you for not leaving me.
thank you for trying so hard.
thank you sissy miss
for being my daughter.
..until there is a cure..