can’t

A year later and nothing has changed. Again. Here I am . Without her. And today is so much harder than yesterday was. So. Much. Harder.

I remember this day so vividly. I wouldn’t get out of bed. I think its the only day in my life I have done that. Tony and my sister went to the funeral parlor. I was in no rush. I didn’t understand why we had to go right away.

I yelled at him. Told him I wasn’t going to shower. Wasn’t going to change my clothes. I have never been so angry with him in our entire relationship.. as when he suggested I shower. I couldn’t imagine washing her off of me. I still had remnants of her.. of the last moments of her life on me and I never wanted to have it go away.

No. A year. Now its a real year. Now its been a whole year since I have touched her.. felt her. Since my first baby felt my touch… since she simply lived.. since we all really lived.

First day of hospice. How I miss just feeling her body next to mine
First day of hospice. How I miss just feeling her body next to mine

So now I scream at her picture…. That I can’t do this. I can’t make it without her. That its not fair that I am supposed to. Its just too hard.

i cant

its too hard

i can’t i can’t i can’t.

I can’t explain it.. how hard this is. How horrifically scary. I have to do it all over again. Another whole year without her.

Can you imagine it? Another year .. after a year you just had to survive without your child?

Because I can’t.. I just can’t even imagine doing it all over again.

NO

damnit no no no

i cant

no no no no

Tony I went to the beach for 3 nights. Our kids got to stay with various people .. have great experiences and fun times. I missed them terribly. We just got back into town and Tony dropped me off to start laundry while he returned the rental car (his was in the shop) .. Soon we will go get them.

And I am scared. Scared to face them. To crumble before them.. in despair over her and utter love for them.

We sent sissy balloons together right before we left.
We sent sissy balloons together right before we left.

I woke up this morning so heavy. With a invisible weight on me.. a heavy burden of.. I don’t know what.. maybe just the future. I am just so sad. So unbelievably sad today.  So much worse than yesterday..

I want it all back.. I want my home.. my life.. my daughter.. And its so stupid to cry and yell over it.. Because no amount of begging.. praying.. swearing or crying will change this.

But right now I can’t see any other way. So in my empty house I purge myself. Empty me from the inside out.

 We arrived to a home that is decorated.. Candles line our walkway. . I know without looking my Facebook feed is still full of her.. of our pain and people caring for our loss.. To say I am grateful is an understatement of epic proportions. I am trying to absorb it. Trying not to think ahead to years passing and it not mattering so much anymore.. because right now I need it. I need for her to matter. I need for me to matter.

It is so pathetic. I have never been pathetic in my life.. But I am now. So broken. So scared.

It just feels like it’s all starting over again. The depths of pain washing over just like February 13th last year.. except so much worse today. Because now I know.. what death really means.. How deep the heartache can go. That days just keep rolling on.. and on .. and on.. Without her. Without my Jennifer.

No anticipation.. just knowledge of whats to come.. and who will never be again.. I don’t think I can do this.

jennifer

please

please baby please

oh jennifer

oh my god.

cant4

…until there is a cure…

 

19 Responses to “can’t”

  1. It just really sucks! It just really SUCKS! No child should ever have to go through this…. no parent should ever have to endure this.

  2. Libby, you are the polar opposite of “pathetic”. You are doing what I can only think of as the hardest, most unfair, devastating thing a parent can do: live without their child living, too. I am praying for you and I say her name so so often. For the long haul. She, not you, will not be forgotten. Huge hugs. Love from a faraway friend. ❤️

  3. You all will continue to matter to me. You will continue to inspire so many, including me. Until there is a cure….I won’t stop spreading the glitter.

  4. She, NOR you!! I wrote “she, NOR you, will ever be forgotten”. I am so sorry for that horrible typo. All of you are in my daily prayers. ❤️

  5. Libby, you are anything but pathetic! It breaks my heart that you feel likes you do, but especially pathetic. Jennifer will always matter and she will be remembered. I wish I could do or say anything to help. But please Libby, if one thing you can do is to be patient and kind to yourself.

  6. i can assure you not one person views you as pathetic – i think all everyone feels is the heartache in wanting desperately to take your pain away. you are truly amazing – i get you don’t feel that way, but THAT is how everyone views you. i am so sorry, so painfully sorry that you and tony have to ever feel this level of pain, because no one ever should. you matter so much to me, and now to my family, and so many of my dear friends who read what you write, sob for your pain, pray for you to feel her presence, and know deep down she is with you…so much love…

  7. The year of firsts, merge into the year of 2nd’s. And somehow you pick yourself up and begin to go through the motions all over again. Sweet Jennifer will not be forgotten, forever six, forever missed. #Cancersucks, #Weneedcuresforpediatric cancers. I hate that you and your family are going through this pain of loss, many prayers for comfort for all of you, and LOVE4JLK forever. <3

  8. We will never forget love4JLK. Even as a stranger I think of all of you often and pray for you somehow to feel peace in any way possible. #Sosorry #Jennifer #glitter

  9. To answer your question, no, I can’t imagine it. I feel so deeply for you but I can’t imagine what your pain is or how you survive, only that you do. I will never forget Jennifer. Never. I am so sorry you feel pathetic. That is about the last word I would ever use to describe you but I am so sorry that is how you are feeling. Extra love and extra strength coming your way from a forever rememberer of your forever six year old. Xoxox

  10. I will never forget Jennifer. She is on my heart and my mind always. My daughter Eva myself my husband and my mom all sent balloons to Jennifer. Eva drew a special picture of Jennifer and of all of you and we taped it on the balloon. She said it was Jennifer and her family. We love you Jennifer and we miss you too ♡

  11. You’ve lived through the most wretched of years, the worst year that one could spend. You’ve honored Jennifer and her memory each and every moment of those days, and led us all in a mighty fight to bring pediatric cancer to its knees. We will.

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