A year later and nothing has changed. Again. Here I am . Without her. And today is so much harder than yesterday was. So. Much. Harder.
I remember this day so vividly. I wouldn’t get out of bed. I think its the only day in my life I have done that. Tony and my sister went to the funeral parlor. I was in no rush. I didn’t understand why we had to go right away.
I yelled at him. Told him I wasn’t going to shower. Wasn’t going to change my clothes. I have never been so angry with him in our entire relationship.. as when he suggested I shower. I couldn’t imagine washing her off of me. I still had remnants of her.. of the last moments of her life on me and I never wanted to have it go away.
No. A year. Now its a real year. Now its been a whole year since I have touched her.. felt her. Since my first baby felt my touch… since she simply lived.. since we all really lived.
So now I scream at her picture…. That I can’t do this. I can’t make it without her. That its not fair that I am supposed to. Its just too hard.
its too hard
i can’t i can’t i can’t.
I can’t explain it.. how hard this is. How horrifically scary. I have to do it all over again. Another whole year without her.
Can you imagine it? Another year .. after a year you just had to survive without your child?
Because I can’t.. I just can’t even imagine doing it all over again.
damnit no no no
no no no no
Tony I went to the beach for 3 nights. Our kids got to stay with various people .. have great experiences and fun times. I missed them terribly. We just got back into town and Tony dropped me off to start laundry while he returned the rental car (his was in the shop) .. Soon we will go get them.
And I am scared. Scared to face them. To crumble before them.. in despair over her and utter love for them.
I woke up this morning so heavy. With a invisible weight on me.. a heavy burden of.. I don’t know what.. maybe just the future. I am just so sad. So unbelievably sad today. So much worse than yesterday..
I want it all back.. I want my home.. my life.. my daughter.. And its so stupid to cry and yell over it.. Because no amount of begging.. praying.. swearing or crying will change this.
But right now I can’t see any other way. So in my empty house I purge myself. Empty me from the inside out.
We arrived to a home that is decorated.. Candles line our walkway. . I know without looking my Facebook feed is still full of her.. of our pain and people caring for our loss.. To say I am grateful is an understatement of epic proportions. I am trying to absorb it. Trying not to think ahead to years passing and it not mattering so much anymore.. because right now I need it. I need for her to matter. I need for me to matter.
It is so pathetic. I have never been pathetic in my life.. But I am now. So broken. So scared.
It just feels like it’s all starting over again. The depths of pain washing over just like February 13th last year.. except so much worse today. Because now I know.. what death really means.. How deep the heartache can go. That days just keep rolling on.. and on .. and on.. Without her. Without my Jennifer.
No anticipation.. just knowledge of whats to come.. and who will never be again.. I don’t think I can do this.
please baby please
oh my god.
…until there is a cure…