final blog continued from this entry..

I love you.

I screw up with you guys. I know that. I have all these plans and thoughts in my heads of how I am going to do and be so much better. And I screw it up.

Lately its been because I have been scared. Its hard work to be sad. Its hard work to allow yourself to hurt. Big. Real Hurts.

Losing your sister is my biggest hurt. And I hope so much it always is. *make smart choices I need her to always be my biggest hurt*

But you will have your hurts. Big. Real hurts in your lives. So I hope you learn from me. I hope you learn what it means to be brave and strong. Its not what most people think.

Its allowing pain. Its dealing with it. Its embracing it. Its learning from it. And when you are ready its standing on it. .. instead of letting it stand on you.

I love all five of you. And it just makes me really sad one of you is missing.

But the truth is I love all 5 of you crazy kids.

but you four this is about you. This is about the absolute joy you bring to my life. I guess thats the part about losing Jennifer I don’t often share with you, I am able to feel that joy in a whole different way. Because I know what a gift your smile, your touch, your heartbeat is.

I don’t think I say thank you to any of you for that. For being you. For letting us all learn from each other. For mistakes and lessons learned together. For baking and jumping in puddles, For reading books and shooting baskets. For popcorn and movie dates on the couch.

For allowing me to be sad. And forgiving me for fighting to be sad because I am scared of it.

I love all five of you. And it just makes me really sad one of you is missing.

And that’s ok.

I am seriously so grateful to be your Mom. Even when you make bad choices. Even when I am really upset with you. .. Because even if I don’t like you so much in the moment. I love you. A lot.

Thank you for forgiving me. Over and over again. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being mine.

Man you guys make me really really happy. I wish there was a better stronger word I could use for how you make me feel… Because I have been sitting here crying harder than I have in a long time. I have a headache out of this world now..

But then I think of each of you.. and its like my heart lifts. I can taste. I can breathe again. I am better.

And because of each of you.. the perfect and imperfect pieces of you I am happy. (but insert a way better word than happy)

Thanks lovey doves.

Love you always,

Mama

…for your future. Until there is a cure..