For those of you that don’t know… we live in Santa Clara County in California. A “hotbed” for COVID-19. Let me tell you things still seem to be changing daily around here.. But for now we are on a shelter in place order for non-essential tasks. Why? For me one of my “whys” is my parents. . We share property with them.. We are the only people they can safely see and interact with. Both in their 70’s my Dad in chemotherapy treatment.. I know enough about myself though.. that the easy dedication I have right now towards social distancing will wane over time .. Today and tomorrow I’m all in.. For my parents.. For the kids I know that are immunocompromised due to their battle with cancer.. But after that .. well I’ll admit, I’m scared for when my resolve weakens.. And I realized perhaps I am not alone[…]
I remember..
I promised to come back here to remember.. but 6 years ago today I didn’t write.. 6 years ago today I don’t need a blog to help me remember.. This was the last blog I wrote while she was alive.. All of it.. Every single word of fear. Of overwhelming guilt. And the simplest and deepest hope I have ever had. They are all still true. did i do what you needed?im sorry i couldnt fix thisplease please i need to see you again.. I will never not have those questions.. that simple hope. I believe in heaven. The truest part of me knows it is real.. But still.. when your first baby is there waiting.. its so scary. I didn’t blog.. because I knew I would never need my words to remember. .. She suffered. My buggers. My just barely 6 year old daughter.. She suffered beyond what I[…]
Dear fabulous four ..
final blog continued from this entry.. I love you. I screw up with you guys. I know that. I have all these plans and thoughts in my heads of how I am going to do and be so much better. And I screw it up. Lately its been because I have been scared. Its hard work to be sad. Its hard work to allow yourself to hurt. Big. Real Hurts. Losing your sister is my biggest hurt. And I hope so much it always is. *make smart choices I need her to always be my biggest hurt* But you will have your hurts. Big. Real hurts in your lives. So I hope you learn from me. I hope you learn what it means to be brave and strong. Its not what most people think. Its allowing pain. Its dealing with it. Its embracing it. Its learning from it. And when[…]
muscle memory
They call it muscle memory.. mus·cle mem·o·ry noun 1. the ability to reproduce a particular movement without conscious thought, acquired as a result of frequent repetition of that movement. Yup. Both boys are struggling. Jonathan started first. His teacher came out and spoke to me after school.. He was getting in trouble at home.. Nothing major just acting out. .. and needy. Nothing seems to be enough for him. My first thought was Jennifer.. Because I knew the time was coming. .. But I do not ever want to force grief upon them.. or excuse poor behavior because their sister died. So we looked.. we tried to find other reasons.. and actually thought we had.. ..but the behavior continued. Then Nicholas’ teacher asked to speak with me.. Worried about him. He was pulling inward.. not acting like himself.. oh sweet boy Still. I didn’t want to immediately think it was[…]
old life back
*I wrote this last week and didn’t realize I hadn’t published it* There is a undercurrent in our family right now. I am not sure what is causing it. I didn’t even realize it until I sat down to write my most recent blog.. The only thing I know for sure is its all different manifestations of a yearning for Jennifer.. Tony has been short with me lately. Impatient and grumpy with me. I wasn’t sure what I had done. We talked in the car ride to the airport. About a lot of things.. his things and then about how he worries that I am not going to the gym anymore, just working out at home. He has noticed I am sheltering in the house again. .. retreating inward emotionally and physically. He’s right. My only social life now is Unravel related. Up before the kids to work out alone.[…]
Guest Blog: Carmen Murray
October was about Jennifer. Thank you for that. It was this mothers hope that my daughter could motivate and inspire .. “forTHEMbecauseofher” but I have so many more children that make up my “her” The kids that motivate and inspire me to fight for a cure. Kids that make me want to be a better mom in every way.. This month we are honored to introduce you (both through blogs and social media) to just a few of these children. Allow me to introduce Carmen and Ty. Carmen is one of our board members and a woman I am proud to call my friend and Ty…. Ty is simply incredible. “But your son is all better now….. because he doesn’t have cancer anymore right?” I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this phrase or something similar to it after people find out about my son’s battle with cancer. While I totally understand why someone[…]
back home
Children are resilient. But they are also vulnerable and trusting. They believe. They hope. They try to make things right. Jennifer always did. She fought. She hoped. She trusted. Children are supposed to be innocent. I stole my 4 year olds innocence. .. Another piece of it at least.. I had to rip more of it away from him. I get told not to put my grief on them. To not misplace my feelings as theirs. They are so young they won’t remember. They barely knew her .. or never knew her. That my kids are innocent. But they aren’t. Cancer. Her death. Lack of funding. It stole their innocence. Charlotte was only 9 months .. and Bridgette wasn’t even born yet. .. The boys decided to donate their birthdays to Unravel. Instead of presents from friends they asked for donations they could make to save other kids. One thing[…]
october 1
The start of Oct. I am excited only for one part of it. The end of most of the Fluttering campaign. I LOVE this campaign. For so many reasons. It raises a ton of awareness and money. Kids are involved and doing it. Kids are saving kids. We partnered with other organizations and allowed people to highlight the child(ren) that have touched their lives. I am proud of it because I think it really showcases what and who Unravel is.. Awareness. Empowerment. Kids. Money for research. But I miss her. Jennifer feels so distant to me this month. I think I know why. I see messages and notes of people every single day who she is touching and inspiring to keep going with Fluttering. But I’m selfish.. I miss her. I miss the signs for me. I miss that sometimes that I feel like she is just about to come[…]
is versus was
Early on when I started this blog I had a lot of people wanting to know about the story of Jennifer coming to make us a family. I never really answered because it was the most insignificant part of our story.. I missed out on an additional 9 months with my Jennifer. I have always missed that time.. . But also known how much it just doesn’t matter. Biology doesn’t make a family. Tony is my family. My rock. My husband. The first of the 6 true loves of my life. And we are most certainly not related by blood. I do not love Jonathan or Nicholas or Charlotte because I was lucky enough to be pregnant with them.. or because we are tied by genetics.. It’s our love that binds us… because when they draw on the wall with sharpie its not a genetic thing that saves them.. its[…]
lifes a beach
Jennifer was a water baby from the very beginning. She always loved the beach and just being in and near the water. I always feel closer to her again being near the ocean. .. We got back today from a few days at a rented beach house with my sisters family and my mom. Tony was able to come for one night but had to leave for work… I know I am so lucky to have him! We had a great time.. even better than I was expecting. Our kids were truly so very well behaved and played together and with cousins the whole time. I forgot my camera but had my cell phone so snapped pics as often as I could. .. I want them to remember this trip because I think it was a really special time for them to be with their big cousins and to[…]