I love the holidays. I hate the holidays. .. and both make me feel guilty. I look at our tree and feel such joy and gratitude.. I have these 4 little kids still with me. Sharing and showing me the magic of Christmas. .. But I ache I don’t want to. I am mad about […]
I still cannot find any solice in that sentence. . I want to. I plan to. I try to. But I don’t. Our goal has always been to make her birthday a day of gratitude for her .. for the years we were gifted with her. But I don’t even know how.. and maybe I […]
Today the girls and I were driving. They are going together to their first day of camp… Just the two of them.. Sisters.. I thought it. Sisters. .. But horribly incomplete. I kept the thoughts to myself. I didn’t want to hurt them. . make them feel less than.. Or just bring up something sad […]
As the world starts opening up again.. (I’m in California.. it’s been slow coming) I miss Jennifer in a different way. Kids starting to play sports and the natural progression of conversations.. Are they all yours? How many do you have? So I have to decide how to answer … and every time it’s an […]
I miss her. Always. It should be no surprise that holidays that the missing.. the wanting is amplified. .. But somehow it still is. Maybe I expect it to be better for me by now. Maybe I forget to give myself the allowances to hurt that are so easy to give to my kids/husband. I […]
This loss.. its not just mine. I have made a conscious choice more recently to not often share their stories of wanting for her.. Because I know. I know its their story to tell.. But also when our 4 living babies are old enough to choose to read (or not read) their mothers words.. I […]
Every year is another notch now.. One year further from having her in this life.. And one year closer to being with her again.. There is a morbid comfort in that for me. .. Here is what I realized for myself this Febuary 12th.. Grief is like one of my limbs. It’s always there.. it’s […]
A damned uniform. Brown vest with numbers. Thats it. Thats what did me in.. Maybe thats why I waited to take it out of the bag.. Maybe thats why it sat in the corner of the room.. So much like my own missing of my Jennifer.. Tucked in a corner.. stepped past and over everyday.. […]
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