I love the holidays. I hate the holidays. .. and both make me feel guilty.

I look at our tree and feel such joy and gratitude.. I have these 4 little kids still with me. Sharing and showing me the magic of Christmas. ..

But I ache

I don’t want to. I am mad about it. I want to be through this part..

Because I miss her. Still. Always. I miss and I wonder.

I don’t know that I will ever be through this part.. Maybe I should simply know that by now .. I don’t though. I still always think it will be better … That I will have crossed some invisible finish line that I can accept she is gone.. And embrace all the good and beautiful moments..

Instead right now it’s like a slow, steady current of missing her. Its this unconscience yearning .. Unwavering, but also not overwhelming ache.

So I am trying to grab it. Hold it. Acknowledge it so it doesn’t consume me. Because I know the undercurrent can quickly turn into a tsummani and take us all with it. .. I’m scared to dive down and take a look ..

Because I miss her. Still. Always. I miss and I wonder.

I know if I don’t.. I know if I let my fear of embracing the sadness of the holidays lock me up.. it will overtake the immense joy this time of year gifts me.. My Santa-loving babies.. who sparkle around the tree and are genuinely excited for each gift, in particular what they are picking out for each other. . They deserve their Mom.. fully and completely. Especially this year.. as I know they are hurting in a different way..

My Dad recently passed away. our home is reeling from that .. My kids and husband miss their Papa. So much. Its a real and tangible pain . .. I appreciate that. Tony only had this amazing father in his life for the 20 years we have been together.. I had him my whole life. And my Dad was a constant in my kids lives.. Sharing property the past 4 years.. and moving to Gilroy together before that. I miss him. I love him…

but. .. this feels terrible to say because I don’t want to lessen my love for my Dad.. But I worry about the people I love my sisters and brothers, my Mom.. my kids and my husband.

Because for me.. when I think of my Dad it’s two things. First it’s a feeling of contentment. I said I’m sorry, I said thank you and I said I love you. I heard him tell me he loved me… I am genuinely shocked by it.. but I am content.

And it’s her. Its Jennifer. I cannot seem to think about my Dad now without thinking about her. And it just changes everything.. I think maybe it’s even a little bit of jealousy that he gets to see her.. To know what it’s like where she is..

Because I miss her. Still. Always. I miss and I wonder.

I want to force it. I know its better for all of us when I am just simply brave enough to hurt. And that is harder for me now then it used to be.. Harder than it was in the beginning when I was swimming in the depths.. now I live in the shallow.. And I know there are only 2 options. I dive in a little deeper by choice.. under my control .. Or I wait.. until the tide comes in and sweeps me away.

I don’t understand it.. still.. I don’t understand how its possible my 6 year old should be 14. I don’t understand how life has continued to go on.. How its possible she is gone. When I allow myself to miss her I also have to admit she is gone and I think right now I don’t want to.

Because I miss her. Still. Always. I miss and I wonder.

I am starting to struggle looking at her pictures. Frozen in time. Forever 6 . .. Why? How? These other girls so grown up now.. Even my own kids.. How is her little brother so much older than she is. My mind cannot stretch far enough to accept or even begin to understand it.. I want to touch her. To feel her again. I catch myself daydreaming even about the little things.. Would she still have bangs? What would she be interested in. .. and then just as quickly I hate those thoughts.

Because she is my forever 6 year old. My Santa loving baby girl .. that’s all I know.. Its all I will ever know. So I resist the what if.. and dissolve into the absolute beauty that was..

Because I miss you

still.

aways.

…until there is a cure….