October 28th..

A date.

A string of words and numbers… 11 to be exact.. With such power and impact on my life.

This one single date changed the very essence of me to my core.

.. twice…

This date changed my name..

… twice ..

And it changed the world saw me….

…twice..

The first .. most of you have likely had the same beautifully instantaneous metamorphosis..

Mommy

October 28th. I became a Mom.. in one breath .. in one moment who I was changed. And it was amazing.

..thank you Jennifer Lynn .. for being the first of 5 beautiful gifts..

The second far too many others .. but still not many had the same wickedly .. well … somehow both slow and instant metamorphosis into this new being. Cancer Mom.

im so sorry buggers… Im so so sorry

October 28th.. I became a cancer Mom. In one string of words.. Everything about who I was … and what I thought this life had to offer me changed. And it forever changed the way the world sees me.

and how I see myself.

Today she should have been turning 15. I should have been both lamenting and rejoicing the passage of time..

her life.

Instead .. I felt rage.

i wanted to celebrate you

Because that second October 28th stole away all the rest.

And that’s my truth to share today. For the Moms that know my first joyous name change.. and perhaps, especially those that unfortunately share the second ..

I wanted to be grateful.. for the 6 perfectly imperfect years I got with her.. But even moreso to simply bask in the glory that is the 4 that followed after her… gifting me motherhood again and again..

Instead I felt rage.

I love them. So much. So tremendously…

But I miss her. So much. And today… so fiercely..

And it all just made me mad.

i wanted to celebrate you

My Dad and Jennifer.. our two October birthdays… we used to go to the pumpkin patch… We took a vote and went there again today.. I didnt want to. But I wanted to . .. I couldnt figure out where we should go.. what we should do.. Because I was aggressively trying to force out the joy… the gratitude.

nothing felt right without you

We laughed and played… I hope they felt my love.. But if they also felt my edge today.. Im trying to let that be ok too.. I talked to my sister on the way.. I told her I was just angry.. and how being angry made me feel guilty and that of it made me mad…

Ill share what she said. .. in the chance that it resonates with you other second-name Mamas out there.. “I guess I feel like you celebrate her and her light on all those other days of the year. Those days (and the ones around it) feel like the days to remember and feel the suck and unfairness of it all.. ”

permission.

It was … it IS ok to be mad she isn’t here to celebrate on her birthday. .. It is ok to hate but also want to get lost in the onslaught of memories about everything I thought I knew changing.. About that surreal moment a woman in a white coat uttered the words.. she has cancer..

I dont have to be angry about it. .. Because I do celebrate her love and light so many other days.. But I do it so much better when I allow the yearning and the aching too.. Which I have been fighting against so desperately for a few weeks.. Really since I stepped off stage at this years gala..

Because she made me a Mama..

and she was stolen from me …

so much is changing.. but never ever will it be enough. ..

So stupid. I mean I already know this. A lesson perhaps I’ll spend the rest of my days re-learning over and over again. .. Allowing the hurt.. allows the love and the joy … Denying it.. it blocks the beauty too..

I wanted to celebrate you sissy miss

…i think we did

i am so glad you changed my name

and so sad it got changed again..

happy birthday baby girl

thank you for being mine…

…until there is a cure..