I miss her. Always. It should be no surprise that holidays that the missing.. the wanting is amplified. ..

But somehow it still is.

Maybe I expect it to be better for me by now.

Maybe I forget to give myself the allowances to hurt that are so easy to give to my kids/husband.

I woke up on Easter with an urge to go lift heavy.. My body remembering what I learned at CoastRange CrossFit.. Letting my body feel the same weight my heart does. As I did my mind wandered and the tears came.

i just missed you

Jonathan woke up angry. .. At first we parented him through it.. Until we realized.. If we were hurting.. missing.. Maybe he was too.. So I asked him..

“mom you ever wake up feeling so much weight on top of you and its hard to breathe?”..

he just missed you..

This is my stuff. I know that. So its a constant debate if I can share it or not without hurting other people. But I’m scared. .. I worry about her being forgotten.

The tension .. the anxiety that comes up for me knowing when we will be around other people.. I didn’t realize it until Tony pointed it out. That my “stress” comes pouring out when we are gearing up for seeing my family. And its been slowly getting worse..

“babe you always get like this before we see your family”

Like cooking a lobster the heat has been getting turned up and I wasn’t even noticing.. . Time is passing and my fear for her being forgotten as life bittersweetly marches on grows..

So I worry about it.. I tie myself up in knots before anything even happens.. And I honestly wasn’t even aware that I was doing it.. Or that it was impacting my husband and kids.. Impacting me so much.

I know its internal. And my hope is that now I have really realized it .. that maybe it can get better.

I want to see my kids laughing.. (ok couldn’t see because they all had masks on) but I want to them to have fun on the holidays .. I want my family to have fun ..

But I want to scream too..

SHE ISNT HERE.

SHE ISNT HERE.

SHE ISNT HERE.

Just random moments. It slays me.. I choke back tears because its not the time or the place.. But inside of me part of me is screaming..

SHE ISNT HERE.

Its not even the whole time. .. it really never has been. .

See thats how I know its not logical or fair.. or sane. . because its really not a constant in the front of my mind. Its always there. I am always aware that one is missing.. But its not overwhelming..

until it is. ..

Like suddenly watching the kids running.. Or playing hot or cold to find an egg awakens something in me.

quickly.. violently..

And again it rises up. .. The want to scream.

SHE ISNT HERE.

Then it passes.

Like a flame. It rises and burns hot and fast. . But also it settles and calms down quickly. . And then I can look for her. I can find her again in the little ways and little moments .. Its like the fire burns out the garbage to allow me to see the beauty again. Both little sisters.. wanted a piece of their biggest sister .. in a dress or necklace..

Because even though she isn’t here.. she is. In so many little ways she is here. Because I love all 5 of my kids and they love each other too.. And family is forever.

you matter

you are part of every moment

i am grateful for every memory

yesterday today

and always

…until there is a cure..