..continued from this blog.. which is continued from this one.

I love you.

I miss you.

Its hard to feel both of those things. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not always strong enough to do that.

Do you know how sorry I am?

I have so much I would have done differently for you at that end of your little life.

I’m sorry baby girl. Im sorry I was selfish. I didn’t even realize it at the time.

I know you are here. Jennifer. I know it. Right now. I know you are right here with me. I can somehow know you are next to me on this couch. But I don’t know how to feel you.

I don’t know how to embrace you without my arms.

But I know you are here.

I know you are so much wiser than me. I know you forgive me. But I don’t know how to accept any of that.

I’m sorry.

Sorry for more than my words could ever say. But I think you know. I think you know the depths and unending sorries I have. About when you were here and healthy. When you were here and dying. And when you are there.. Whatever there really is.

I know you are so beautiful. In ways I can’t imagine.. but only feel.

I know how happy it makes you to know that I know that.

I know you love me. I know .. I know so much. But my heart struggles to feel it.

I never want to stop crying. Because its only when I am like this that I really trust that I know all those things.

Jennifer. I would give anything to have you back. Mama just wants to feel your arms around me.

To kiss the top of your head. It’s a physical ache. It’s a literal pain.

To smooth your eyebrows. To look into your eyes. To hold you. So tight. so so so tight.

You are mine and I am yours. We were meant for each other.

Thank you for that. Thank you for making me a Mama.

You are worth this. This downpour of emotion. I wouldn’t trade it. You are worth it.

We are worth it. Mother and daughter. We are worth it.

Love you sissy,

Mama

…even a cure can’t fix this..