I love you.
I miss you.
Its hard to feel both of those things. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not always strong enough to do that.
Do you know how sorry I am?
I have so much I would have done differently for you at that end of your little life.
I’m sorry baby girl. Im sorry I was selfish. I didn’t even realize it at the time.
I know you are here. Jennifer. I know it. Right now. I know you are right here with me. I can somehow know you are next to me on this couch. But I don’t know how to feel you.
I don’t know how to embrace you without my arms.
But I know you are here.
I know you are so much wiser than me. I know you forgive me. But I don’t know how to accept any of that.
Sorry for more than my words could ever say. But I think you know. I think you know the depths and unending sorries I have. About when you were here and healthy. When you were here and dying. And when you are there.. Whatever there really is.
I know you are so beautiful. In ways I can’t imagine.. but only feel.
I know how happy it makes you to know that I know that.
I know you love me. I know .. I know so much. But my heart struggles to feel it.
I never want to stop crying. Because its only when I am like this that I really trust that I know all those things.
Jennifer. I would give anything to have you back. Mama just wants to feel your arms around me.
To kiss the top of your head. It’s a physical ache. It’s a literal pain.
To smooth your eyebrows. To look into your eyes. To hold you. So tight. so so so tight.
You are mine and I am yours. We were meant for each other.
Thank you for that. Thank you for making me a Mama.
You are worth this. This downpour of emotion. I wouldn’t trade it. You are worth it.
We are worth it. Mother and daughter. We are worth it.
Love you sissy,
…even a cure can’t fix this..