Category: burying a child

is versus was

Early on when I started this blog I had a lot of people wanting to know about the story of Jennifer coming to make us a family. I never really answered because it was the most insignificant part of our story.. I missed out on an additional 9 months with my Jennifer. I have always missed that time.. . But also known how much it just doesn’t matter. Biology doesn’t make a family. Tony is my family. My rock. My husband. The first of the 6 true loves of my life. And we are most certainly not related by blood. I do not love Jonathan or Nicholas or Charlotte because I was lucky enough to be pregnant with them.. or because we are tied by genetics.. It’s our love that binds us… because when they draw on the wall with sharpie its not a genetic thing that saves them.. its[…]

i really truly do

Sometimes the feelings that rise up surprise me.. The ones that make me feel like everything about me is all wrong. The ones that make me remember nothing will ever be right again. I love this new baby already. I really truly do.. But its not supposed to be coming. .. We were supposed to be done. I should be lamenting packing up the last of our baby things as Charlotte is now growing into a official big girl. The time we waited for. Kids big enough to be a little self sufficient and each others friends. My house should be bustling full.. and so perfect looking. Bookend daughters. But its not. We are preparing to start all over again. Older than we ever imagined we would be with a newborn. .. And with a sharp jagged edge to us. I love this new baby already. I really truly do..[…]

we’re coming

When we get close to home I have a silly tradition that we will call out to whoever is waiting for us that we are on our way. Today it was just me and Charlotte and I started the call.. I called them one by one.. Daddddyyy and she would echo me..then  Bubbassss ..and  Brotherrr .. then I stopped. . I guess I must usually have at least 2 of the kids in the car because today it made me choke and gag. I gripped the steering wheel as tears bypassed the stinging stage and immediately began to fall. One missing. I whispered.. Jennifer.. over and over again. Charlotte already knowing the routine had continued on with it. “We’re cominggg” she was so damned happily yelling from behind me. I pounded the steering wheel. And then I said louder.. Sisssyyy .. Charlotte giggled and kicked, swinging her legs out.. Calling[…]

quicksand

  “At rest, quicksand thickens with time, but it remains very sensitive to small variations in stress. At higher stresses, quicksand liquefies very quickly, and the higher the stress the more fluid it becomes. This causes a trapped body to sink..” national geographic Quicksand .. an analogy I googled mid post and realized was so perfect I cried at the understanding it seemed to convey to me. When you are in quicksand you have move slowly. Deliberately. Constantly. It’s something you have to get out of on your own. But what about when its your kids that are stuck in it? We are pausing continuing to work on her room. We are concentrating on touching them. We are taking just a moment to listen before reacting. Because that’s what they need from us. Last night Jonathan just started crying with Tony. That he missed him this weekend.. that he “loves him[…]

our bed.

Her bed. Well it was really our bed. Me and her. We shared some horribly beautiful nights in that bed. At first we borrowed a futon. But a death bed for your six year old isn’t the kind of thing you borrow. We needed a new one. Comfortable enough for her to die in.. big enough for us both to sleep in. How do you pick something like that out? Luckily some friends of our did it for us. They bought it and dropped it off for us. No questions.. just something  they could do to help.. to lessen a burden. I rarely lay in it. It’s so hauntingly empty. But I sit on it. I look at it every morning and every night. Never changed in those hours.. How often I reminded her to make her bed.. Oh how I long to see it messy with her arms and[…]

just a glimpse

Today I was driving, just a few minutes without the kids in the car and my mind escapes me. I drove past the cemetery and as I always do I turn my head.. to try to take a peek at my daughter. But today it hit me.. how incredibly wrong that is. That this isn’t the glimpse of Jennifer I should be trying to get. I should drive past her school or her camp to steal a look at her. I remember doing it those few weeks she was at a real school… driving past or parking early before school gets out. Just trying to see her without me there. How foreign I thought that was, to have her be apart from me for so many hours in a day. To not know if kids were being nice to her.. if she was hungry or sad.. What I wouldn’t give for[…]

cancer survivor day

Cancer survival day. 2 years ago I didn’t even know something like this existed.. and if I did it was simply a blip in my day. Not a grinding and scratching reminder of what Jennifer is not. I thought it would just be one day staring me in the face. I was wrong. There is build up.. Its truly a wonderful thing to celebrate. .. I am just so horribly jealous that I can’t be part of it. I’m long over lamenting being part of the cancer community as a whole, I have met some of the greatest people in my life through it..  But I hate that I am, that we are,  the losers. A tumor in just a slightly different place in her brain.. it could have been the difference between life and death. . It certainly would have been at least a chance. With my 6 yr[…]

questions without answers

I have been so busy with Unravel things lately.. I have found little time to truly grieve. But now I have a empty and quiet home. My living babies tucked safely in their beds and my husband out with friends.. I sit and I stare off.. and I cry. So much. Unable to really even focus on what I am thinking.. just knowing that I miss my daughter terribly. My hurting still so deep an d Am I doing this wrong? Is it normal to still hurt so desperately? To still need so much time to just fall completely apart? My hurting still so deep and visceral. I feel raw. Exposed and so vulnerable. That when I go so many days without writing.. without digging in .. that when I finally sit and do it I find myself crying so vocally I have to cover my mouth.. afraid my pain[…]

is this normal

Baby Charlotte is 2. I have never had a 2 year old without a newborn on my hip.. She was supposed to stay the baby of our family.. she won’t. And we are so very grateful for this new baby we are waiting to arrive.. but wish I could have all of them here.. Its a bittersweet thing. Getting down the decorations I actually really liked seeing all the things we had hung up over the years for Jennifer. I touched them .. so many starting to break apart now and I remembered how much she enjoyed getting to wake up on the morning of her birthday to a decorated house.. how she had her own princess and Dora and pink sparkly decorations.. I liked it. I smiled remembering her and those birthday moments. We have some decorations that are hung up for all the kids. I remembered her being[…]

poison

Guilt. It is a nasty poisonous thing in this life of child loss. It pushes down the good memories .. it drowns out the happy sounds.. it chokes me making it a struggle to catch my breath. guilt. I made mistakes. Normal everyday mom mistakes with her. I yelled when I shouldn’t have. I overreacted.. I took out other stresses on her. Especially her.. the eldest of my 4 she bore the brunt of my frustrations.. My Jennifer.  She she was the one I made mistakes on and learned from.. .. I guess she always will be. .. Because I am better with it now. And every time I do it, that I just take a extra moment before reacting I thank her. I know all moms do it. I reacted with anger when I should have had understanding. I demanded she do more and be better because she was the[…]