i really truly do

Sometimes the feelings that rise up surprise me.. The ones that make me feel like everything about me is all wrong. The ones that make me remember nothing will ever be right again.

I love this new baby already. I really truly do.. But its not supposed to be coming. ..

We were supposed to be done. I should be lamenting packing up the last of our baby things as Charlotte is now growing into a official big girl.

The time we waited for. Kids big enough to be a little self sufficient and each others friends. My house should be bustling full.. and so perfect looking. Bookend daughters.

sisters... we were just so happy to have given them each other...
sisters… we were just so happy to have given them each other…

But its not.

We are preparing to start all over again. Older than we ever imagined we would be with a newborn. .. And with a sharp jagged edge to us.

I love this new baby already. I really truly do..

But it also breaks my heart a little bit. This life we will be welcoming to the world that never would have been if Jennifer hadn’t been stolen from us. This baby that will have an amazing big sister they will never know.

The big sister that gave them to us. I believe that. Completely and totally that Jennifer wanted us to have this baby .. that she knows it will be good for us. But there is that piece of me .. that feels so horrible and so wrong.. I don’t want a new baby. I want my old one back.

My first one. My daughter. Jennifer Lynn.

I just loved being her mom so incredibly much.

I miss her. More and more everyday lately it seems. I yearn for her deeper everyday. I just long for her. I feel sometimes like my heart is being pulled out of my chest.. Sometimes its a physical ache that makes me push at my chest .. trying to ease the pain.

Though most of them have changed so much since this picture was taken... Right now I can still say its a picture of all of my children.
Though most of them have changed so much since this picture was taken… Right now I can still say its a picture of all of my children.

I will never have a family picture. Never. Not one. 

I hate this new version of family photos I am forced into.
I hate this new version of family photos I am forced into.

That single thought is so cruel for me. I love pictures. But her death stole a piece of that joy from me. Because I always notice the absence. But I try not to always show it.. because I don’t want to steal it from anybody else.

There will never be a family reunion.. no Christmas’s with all the kids and grandkids here. No family vacation we will have ever experienced. Because there will always be one missing. Jennifer.. or this baby.

I will have never been whole. Never complete. Not once. Not for a single day.

As time nears closer to meeting this baby I think the truth settles in bigger and stronger for me. She isn’t coming back. This baby is somehow proof of that.

I love this new baby already. I really truly do..

So I feel such shame with these mixed bag of emotions. With doubting my ability to start all over again. To juggle it all. To raise this baby .. these 4 living children without Jennifer. I have never felt like this before. I have always known I could do it.

These little lives I am entrusted with.. playing baby practicing with the new carseat.
These little lives I am entrusted with.. playing baby practicing with the new carseat.

I feel alone doing this without her. Nobody is as excited as she always was.. And I am scared of it all. Scared to have another baby. To meet their needs and still take care of my other surviving children.

I am scared to have less time to grieve Jennifer. To sit like this and just cry.. and write .. and then pause and just talk to her.

I am scared to bring a little heart into this world that will know heartbreak from the very beginning. They will know the sounds of my anguish.. They will know sometimes kids die. They will know Mommy can’t really always protect you.

I am scared to just have one more to be responsible for. What if I’m not meant to.. If I really can’t do this. Its been proven I can’t.

Another life. When I failed at my most basic duty with the first one I was given.

she died. my daughter died. how in the hell can I be trusted again?

damn-it honey

i am sorry.

i am so so sorry.

IMG_0605…until there is a cure..


22 Responses to “i really truly do”

  1. Libby, There are no words that can heal your broken heart. I am so very sorry for your loss of Jennifer. Maybe this new Little Angel will bring some joy back into your life. God Bless.

  2. Oh dear Libby I really truly believe this baby is Jennifer’s gift. no doubt she us probably off the wall happy wherever she is to have another sibling and yes you can do it you seem like a great mother from where I standing that baby is lucky to have a momma so dedicated to her children

  3. Libby, I don’t always comment but I’m always thinking of you. I want you to know that these feelings are completely understandable and natural. I am so sorry, honey. As always, I feel I don’t have the “right words” to say to you. But I follow your blog and think of you and your WHOLE family daily. So much love to you, sweetie. xoxoxoxo

  4. Just so much love to you all. I feel Jennifer will be there helping you, guiding you through this. ♡
    We love you Jennifer ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  5. Libby, just keep talking to Jennifer, she is there for you and her siblings…your sweet angel!! ♡♡♡♡

  6. As I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks and a huge lump in my throat I am left speechless. There was an artical you once shared and it truly touched my heart and made so much sense with 5 words “I know, Im a mom” simple but so very true……….. I will never forget, and when there is a cure, I will still never forget your Jennifer ❤
    For them because of her!

  7. It’s all so darn complicated and murky, guilt and shame making it all the more so. Your feelings are your feelings, and every last one of them is valid and serves a purpose to propel you forward. I pray for you to be gentle with yourself as you continue to blaze this trail. I don’t always comment, but I do always read and I always pray that prayer for you. <3

  8. I just want to acknowledge you for being able to release like this. Your way with words is so powerful, and so evocative, I don’t even know you and I feel can understand what you are going through as if we were close friends. Your friends, your family, and your larger audience of blog readers, like myself, are all here for you, all encircling you, and although we cannot change what has happened, I hope it is some relief that we are here with you. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Your baby girl was the sweetest little girl in the world, and I can see how much you love her. She loves you too, and the new baby, and I know this. Sometimes we as parents come across situations we can’t change, things we can’t protect our kids from, and we feel awful, even though there was never anything we could do. The best and only thing you can do for your kids is love them. And I can see how completely you love all of your kids. You are amazing. And you are still here.

  9. Many blessings to you Libby. You are a phenomenal children’s advocate and the mother I admire the most in this world. your family and your ” dandelion wish” are sure lucky to have you in their lives.

  10. Awww Libby,you did NOT fail. We are moms but we are not superhuman.You love Jennifer with every inch of your heart and Jennifer knows that and that is so beautiful.She would want mommy to be happy. You are a wonderful mommy Libby.

  11. I have no doubt Jennifer played a part in your dandelion wish. Lots of prayers sent your way and I hope she sends you a sign she is right there with you throughout labor. LOVE4JLK

  12. Libby, you are extraordinary and your words are so powerful. Your grief affects us all. You are working with such tough paradoxes these days…a new baby on the way, and Jennifer’s loss. The most heartfelt of hugs to you to get through the hard sleepless nights ahead of you with a newborn. I think of your family every day.

  13. Amen. These words roll as if they were coming off my own tongue. We had always planned to have more children. Now that my daughter has cancer and could very possibly die anytime, the thought of having another child frightens me. I hate it. But I just don’t think I would want to ever have another baby. Thank you for your honesty as a “c” mom. The biggest club we all wish we weren’t a part of.

  14. I think you truly need help. To bring an innocent life into the world for “heartbreak” is just terrible. Jennifer would not want that for this new life. How sad and awful that you’re already saying that this child is going to have to be in pain alongside you.

    1. Perhaps the I love this baby part wasn’t clear to you. You are more than entitled to your own opinions.. I am ok with that since I chose to be open. But to think you have any idea what my daughter would or would not want.. That’s ridiculous. But nice try 🙂

  15. Your children will know pain yes, but they will also know true, pure love. You are showing those sweet babes courage, strength, and determination. You keep the faith….your dandelion feels all of this and so much more.

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