Jennifer loved camping. I am so glad we went when we did. We really thought about canceling. Because it was the month before I was due with our 4th.. and well after all we could always do it later.
As it turned out no we couldn’t since she would be diagnosed and killed by cancer 10 months after that trip.
I will forever be grateful we took that trip.
This past weekend we went again. We also went last year. But I was numb still I think. The finality of her death simply had not sunk in yet.
This year though. .. it was very real. I kept wanting to think of ways to cancel the trip. Because I just simply didn’t want to go without her.
Nicholas asked if we could take a rock to sissy before we went. So while Tony and Jonathan packed the car we went to go see her. And on the way I started crying. And couldn’t stop.
He told me I needed a hug from Dad and when he got home he marched right back to Tony and told him just that. he was right. ..
When we got the campsite our friends unloaded the car and then I unloaded wave after wave of pain. I didn’t want to be there without her. I didn’t want any of this to be true. I sat in the backseat of our minivan and held onto the headrest in front of my and just sobbed. Unhinged.
But as I now know it always is.. those tsunamis of grief are powerful. Destructive and short. They seem to clear everything in its path away..
allowing for new growth..
i miss you
get a s’mores ready for me.
..until there is a cure..