s’more…s’mores

Jennifer loved camping. I am so glad we went when we did. We really thought about canceling. Because it was the month before I was due with our 4th.. and well after all we could always do it later.

As it turned out no we couldn’t since she would be diagnosed and killed by cancer 10 months after that trip.

I will forever be grateful we took that trip.

Just a simple joy filled moment
Just a simple joy filled moment

This past weekend we went again. We also went last year. But I was numb still I think. The finality of her death simply had not sunk in yet.

This year though. .. it was very real. I kept wanting to think of ways to cancel the trip. Because I just simply didn’t want to go without her.

Even in the woods Jennifer always had her own special style.
Even in the woods Jennifer always had her own special style.

Nicholas asked if we could take a rock to sissy before we went. So while Tony and Jonathan packed the car we went to go see her. And on the way I started crying. And couldn’t stop.

He told me I needed a hug from Dad and when he got home he marched right back to Tony and told him just that. he was right. ..

When we got the campsite our friends unloaded the car and then I unloaded wave after wave of pain. I didn’t want to be there without her. I didn’t want any of this to be true. I sat in the backseat of our minivan and held onto the headrest in front of my and just sobbed. Unhinged.

But as I now know it always is.. those tsunamis of grief are powerful. Destructive and short. They seem to clear everything in its path away..

allowing for new growth..

As soon as she sees a camera Charlotte hams it up
As soon as she sees a camera Charlotte hams it up
Tooth lost in the woods. I remember how much Jennifer loved losing teeth and how very much I HATE wiggly teeth! So this was good news all around
Tooth lost in the woods. I remember how much Jennifer loved losing teeth and how very much I HATE wiggly teeth! So this was good news all around
One of the most popular things for the kids was this camp hammock
One of the most popular things for the kids was this camp hammock
And just being wild and free.
And just being wild and free.
Stolen mother daughter moment. Though jealousy obviously hits.. I love that friendship is stronger. And that Jennifer is always represented.
Stolen mother daughter moment. Though jealousy obviously hits.. I love that friendship is stronger. And that Jennifer is always represented.

 

I love seeing these two bond as she grows.
I love seeing these two bond as she grows.
I got my moment too.. So eternally grateful to have a living daughter still
I got my moment too.. So eternally grateful to have a living daughter still
Nicholas just being himself with that big bold sweet smile.
Nicholas just being himself with that big bold sweet smile.
Pit stop on our group hike...
Pit stop on our group hike…
Then she was off and ready ..
Then she was off and ready ..
Everyone else had continued on .. But I loved this time with just Tony and Charlotte. One of my top times of the whole trip.
Everyone else had continued on .. But I loved this time with just Tony and Charlotte. One of my top times of the whole trip.
We all took family pictures. Jonathan had packed these to bring camping.. 2 was good since both boys wanted to hold one.
We all took family pictures. Jonathan had packed these to bring camping.. 2 was good since both boys wanted to hold one.
Something about this picture I just really love
Something about this picture I just really love
All the kids played together and then split off in different groups all the time. The last day Jonathan hung with the girls. Specifically one of Jennifers very best friends. He just stayed with them.. Often not engaging in the game.. He just needed to be near her. He seems so content in those times..
All the kids played together and then split off in different groups all the time. The last day Jonathan hung with the girls. Specifically one of Jennifers very best friends. He just stayed with them.. Often not engaging in the game.. He just needed to be near her. He seems so content in those times..
Charlotte.. dirty and wild child..
Charlotte.. dirty and wild child..
This counts as a maternity pic right?
This counts as a maternity pic right?

i miss you

….

get a s’mores ready for me.

She was so excited to get a smores. She kept asking to "go camping" I think this is what she meant!

..until there is a cure..

6 Responses to “s’more…s’mores”

  1. What a wonderful family trip! I noticed an orb/circle in your family picture in the upper right-hand corner… Looks like Jennifer joined you! <3

  2. Looks like a great trip! Your kids are so adorable !!!! Ms Libby looks to me your having a girl. Your pregnant photo shows your carrying high and thats usually a girl. When you carry low its a boy!!! True or false I have no clue. Its great you are still doing alot of the stuff you did with Jennifer . Her presence will always be there no matter what. She had so many people that loved her!!! Your family picture was adorable. You have a beautiful family!!!

  3. For some reason, I really feel that Jennifer is with you in these pictures. I can tell how much she enjoyed camping, that’s for sure! Love the one of her in footy pajamas, rainboots and bunny ears! Best camping style ever. I’ve never been camping before, but your family photos make me want to! Goodness miss Charlotte is so cute! Especially love the one of you and her walking hand in hand. My favorite though has to be the one with her on Tony’s shoulders. So thankful for her…that Tony can still have a “Daddy’s Girl”. And yes, that pic of ya’ll totally counts as a “maternity picture” 🙂

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