Early on when I started this blog I had a lot of people wanting to know about the story of Jennifer coming to make us a family. I never really answered because it was the most insignificant part of our story..
I missed out on an additional 9 months with my Jennifer. I have always missed that time.. . But also known how much it just doesn’t matter. Biology doesn’t make a family.
Tony is my family. My rock. My husband. The first of the 6 true loves of my life. And we are most certainly not related by blood.
I do not love Jonathan or Nicholas or Charlotte because I was lucky enough to be pregnant with them.. or because we are tied by genetics.. It’s our love that binds us… because when they draw on the wall with sharpie its not a genetic thing that saves them.. its the love.
Jennifer is not my biological child. But from the very beginning she knew she isn’t ‘adopted’.. she knew she ‘was adopted’. Just like any of our children joining our family.. its a one time thing. Not a everlasting one. ..Quite simply. She WAS adopted. And after that she simply just IS Jennifer Lynn Kranz. My perfectly imperfect little girl.
I got told a lot how lucky she was.. how we saved her. But I always corrected people… because she saved me. She would tell you.. October 28th we went from being Tony and Libby to Daddy and Mommy.. She gave us that. Our hearts biggest desire. And she was mine from that moment.
5 IVFs and 5 miscarriages.. a long broken road to get to her..
One I would take again in a heartbeat.. even knowing the devastation that loving her would also bring just 6 yrs 3 months later. I would have her and lose her a million times over again.. because having her was so worth this pain.
I am finally choosing to write this because today a woman who had heard about a little girl in our moms group had died awhile ago.. She referred to her “the adopted one” she heard about that died. As if that part mattered at all.
I tried to brush past it hoping that once she grasped that girl was MY girl she would let it go. I gave her a Unravel brochure and again she mentioned, looking at Jennifer’s picture, that she was adopted.
If my boy hadn’t been there happy for his mommy son date I would have spent the time telling her the brilliant explosion of love my husband felt the moment he laid his eyes on her.. And the excruciatingly pure joy I felt holding her the moment she was born..
If I am being honest not talking about Jennifer having been adopted was a calculated choice, because I worried people would think it was somehow a lesser loss after some of the comments we have gotten especially after having biological children. People I guess just don’t know.. So tonight I felt such a need to share through this small platform I have.
I would have told her about the times I completely forgot she was adopted. Genuinely and truly just forgot and answered questions about her genetics incorrectly. Or the times Jennifer would look my friends, like her own godmother aka Fairy, in the eye and tell them she grew in my tummy just to mess with them and get that bewildered “I don’t know what to say look” from them… and then smirk and walk away.
When she said well at least you have the others I would have looked at her 2 presious girls and asked which one could replace the other.
I would have asked her if she had ever in her life been truly thirsty. With a mouth that felt like it was full of sand. A thirst where there is nothing else you can seem to think about other then just getting a sip of water. Because that’s what waiting, what fighting for motherhood felt like to me.
And my Jennifer was the most refreshing drink I have ever had..
Mine were the first arms she felt… and also the last.. The latter being a bigger honor if I had to decide.
I would kill for my daughters. I would die for my sons. There is no separation in any of that .. and I am 100% certain that for me there never would have been if I had been lucky enough to have her outlive me.
For her.. I don’t know.. We assumed she might struggle with it at some point.. So I put in the effort to have a open relationship with her biological grandma. And when she started to have questions it was then we found the right family to place our embryos with (what’s embryo adoption?? click here to read that part of our story). To show her how much for us biology doesn’t matter..
As we walked away from the conversation I told Jonathan as he looked up at me that sometimes people just say really stupid things.. We talked about sissy being adopted.. and Sammy the seed baby. We talked about what makes you love somebody..
He loves me. So completely and he has no understanding our biological connection.
None of the reasons why he loves me or wants me in his life have to do with our blood or where he grew for 9 months. I hope those things are never ever on his list of whys.. because I hope to always be a better mother to him than that.
He loves his big sister, so completely and has no understanding about their lack of biological connection.
He loves her because she took care of him. She would help him get dressed and taught him the ABC song. She made him feel safe and would usually be the first to hug him when he was upset. Because she loved pink and he does now too.
He loves her because she is his big sister.. And everything that comes along with that title.
i love you
because you are my daughter.
my first born.
thank you for making me
..until there is a cure..