Category: burying a child

changes everything

Death changes everything.. one thing I have really noticing rising the the surface lately though is perspective. The boys were sitting with Tony eating lunch mimicking him. That natural adoration little boys have for their Daddies.. how they watch the way they drink, eat, walk and dress and then try to do it the same way. I miss that .. so much. Having a little girl to mimic me in that same way. To learn what it means to be a girl.. a woman .. a wife from me. It will be so long so many years until Charlotte does that with me. But I am so grateful to have a living daughter. That gratitude is so purified now. So truly simplistic. And powerful. Even my reaction to jokes is so different now. There is a picture going around on social media of the cast from the tv show Friends.[…]

14

I am in a phase where looking at Jennifer’s pictures I start to smile.. it starts to fill me me warmth like the one above.. how happy and confident she looked. I remember taking that picture and lamenting with my dear friend how quickly it would be real that our two girls would be driving off together.. And that it would look just like that.. but those memories then immediately freeze me up. Because I remember she still could be here but isn’t. Somehow lately looking at her pictures is such a stark reminder of how much has changed while she is stopped in time.. locked in memories and photographs. I think its because I am noticing the changes in all of our living kids lately. .. noticing the change in my own growing belly.   We took the kids to our local amusement park this weekend. .. I woke[…]

my role

Everybody has a skill a talent.. something that is special and unique about them. A way for them to give back..Everybody has a story to tell and I am able to tell my publicly. .. But at the center of it.. My truest calling.. now. I am a cancer mom.. but specifically one to a child that was on hospice and died.. one that is dead. And that’s where I am most useful. That’s where I can help.. it is my role and my place in this world.   At first it was parents with teenagers that were really screwing off.. I could talk to them from the child’s point of view.. I could share my story and my success in overcoming it. Then it became  infertility and adoption. I used to be good at talking to people and helping them through those darker times.. especially transition times.. during a[…]

twisted

I spend a lot of time, a few hours a week going to counseling or taking Jonathan to a session.. But if it helps its all worth it. I think for us we are doing this the best way we can.. and we happen to need the help to do it. My goal is that Jennifer’s death won’t be what defines us but was the catalyst to recreate us.. all of us. Something we didn’t need.. or want.. But something that did in fact happen to us. I have blue eyes.. I am 5ft tall. . and my daughter died. I want it to always be part of me.. part of us.. But not all of me, like it feels right now. It’s scary for me to realize that truly we are still just in the very beginning stages of that recreation. Last night Tony and I were talking about how much[…]

never will be again..

Its the little things.. the small forgettable moments that can eat away at me. Today.. Tony and the boys wrestling on the ground while I cooked… They called me to join… boys versus girls. It would have been perfect. 3v3. Jennifer loved wrestling…often changing in the middle to get on the right crown or princess gown for the fight. But she wasn’t there.. she never will be again. What a cruel moment of clarity that was. One I haven’t been able to recover from. It just continued to slowly and deliberately attack me for the rest of the day. It still surprises me how it can sneak up and attack me.. After it happens I feel ambushed and defeated. Scared at how much it still breaks me apart with just the slightest change of the wind. I just want to see her again to enjoy watching her playing with her[…]

the right place

I wrote once about signs.. wondering if I had little hints and glimpses into this life I would one day be handed.. Today I realized too that maybe I have been in training for it all along too..Here is that journal.. its pretty incredible to me how much I seem to have always know.. without knowing.. My mom said today that she struggled with God.. but one thing that helped was the miracle that is my blog.. That He must be helping me write the way I have.. reaching out and into people the way that I have been able to. So it hit me.. this isn’t the first time I have actually done that. When we were struggling with infertility and miscarriages I was part of this forum of woman. In the beginning I didn’t know any of them.. so I poured myself out to them .. feeling safe[…]

mail

I am just going along about my day.. getting home from the park trying to rush in to clean off the kids sandy feet and put Charlotte down for nap.. But since I am right there I figure I can get the mail. Its like suddenly being splashed in the face with cold water. The shock and the charge of it rushing through my body. I am disoriented .. I am struggling to catch my breath and I am frozen in place. The sting of it bringing sharp tears to my eyes. Just for a moment. . though I have to get inside and take care of my 3 living.. I feel like I am carrying my limping heart in my hands along with a diaper bag and a handful of mail. The irony. A day of remembrance for children that were also patients like my Jennifer at Lucille Packard.[…]

release me

I am angry. I am frustrated. I miss my daughter. My sons. My husband. Me. I want to be free of it.. released from the repressive grip this newly emerging emotion has over me. I miss the old me.. my old life. Now all my social gatherings revolve around Unravel.. and if they don’t I find myself swimming in work later. I never wanted this kind of busy. I just wanted to be a tired Mama of 4..I thought that was hard.. Until I found out how exhausting being mommy to child in heaven is. I miss my Jennifer. I look at her pictures lately and just immediately cry. She is frozen in time while all her friends and cousins are growing up. She was a good girl. Not perfect.. but a good kind hearted child and I looked forward to seeing who she would become. I am just so[…]

seasons

The weather is changing. … the time changed. All these things signaling a new time approaching is hard for me… because I both remember this time with her and because I know another season is coming.. another one without her. We have this amazing walking path right behind our house.. so many evenings I spent with Jennifer and Jonathan.. then Nicholas and then Charlotte, walking and talking and exploring on the levy path. Sometimes they were in the stroller and we tried to go far.. sometimes they walked and we seemed to barely move. But we always had fun .. and made memories.. Not so much of individual moments but more of the essence I wanted their childhood to imprint on their memories and mine. I want to still be able to do that with my surviving children. I still want that to be .. at least a piece of[…]

..its her ring…

There was this ring. The most precious ring I have ever owned. More than my wedding ring or engagement ring.. This ring that I once had. I wrote about a few times before.. I bought a bag full of costume jewelry for Jennifer at a garage sale. A little while later she showed me that it had a grown up ring in it.  I slipped in on and it perfectly fit me. It had 5 bumps down the middle. I kissed it and her.. and told her it represented the 5 loves of my life. My 4 children (one of which was still growing in my tummy) and their Daddy. I loved it immediately. And she loved me wearing it. But it was always hers.. she was allowing me to wear it. So every once in awhile she would take it back. The first time I thought it might be[…]