changes everything

Death changes everything.. one thing I have really noticing rising the the surface lately though is perspective. The boys were sitting with Tony eating lunch mimicking him. That natural adoration little boys have for their Daddies.. how they watch the way they drink, eat, walk and dress and then try to do it the same way.

Hands down my all time favorite picture of Tony and Jonathan
Hands down my all time favorite picture of Tony and Jonathan

I miss that .. so much. Having a little girl to mimic me in that same way. To learn what it means to be a girl.. a woman .. a wife from me. It will be so long so many years until Charlotte does that with me. But I am so grateful to have a living daughter.

That gratitude is so purified now. So truly simplistic. And powerful.

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Even my reaction to jokes is so different now. There is a picture going around on social media of the cast from the tv show Friends. It talks about how old their kids would be now. How long it feels like it has been .. but really not all that long when I look at a lifetime and it so heavy to me. So depressing to look at how long it might really be until I am united with her again.

I find myself jealous of people that lost somebody later in their lives.. only because they are closer to being reunited with them.

I never would have understood how somebody could feel that way.. a loss is a loss.. But I do and I never would have imagined just how powerful that jealousy could be if I wasn’t living it myself.

…but I am ..

I was in a elevator months ago and I suddenly felt like it was closing in on me and I realized why.. the beeping.. It reminded me of noises in the hospital.. the beeping.. the sometimes the only noise in a still quiet room. Every time now I board one I know to steel myself agains the potential onslaught of memories.

visceral.. deep.. changes.

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Tony is now a full fledged “germ-a-phobe” using hand sanitizer constantly. CONSTANTLY. But I cannot stand the smell of it. Nothing I can do prepares me for that smell. How it breaks me down a little every time I smell it…  I have not found a way to push through it.. burning my eyes.. my nose and assaulting all of my senses.

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Its like I am transported out of the room or the car when I smell it. Like a memory fog takes over me. Tony is the only one that knows when it happens the only one that knows me well enough to be able to tell when I am completely somewhere else. .. although outwardly I appear to be present.

We now have a system in the car. He opens the door and does it outside of the car to try and spare me the onslaught.

Hand sanitizer..My husbands vice and now its something I almost fear.  I was a teacher for years and lived on the stuff.

Death changes everything.

even us.

once mother and daughter

now something new.

unnamable

but real and true

us.

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…until there is a cure..

10 Responses to “changes everything”

  1. Libby, Your posts touch my heart. Jennifer is truly your Little Angel. Thank you for sharing Sophie’s story. One by one you are saving our children. Thank you for all you give on behalf of the children. Jan

  2. As I read your post my heart just breaks for you. Jennifer is still here just not in the physical form. I can’t imagaine your daily pain but I am hear reading, crying and praying for you and your family. Jennifer will never be forgotten.

  3. My husband cannot stand the smell of sanitizer, makes him taste the chemo in his throat he says, and of course my 4 and 3 yr old cannot stop using it everywhere. Those moments where past and present collide so fast its like being physically hit. So grateful my littles have their daddy still and in slight awe that after everything else we will be adding to our family this sept. But so much heartache and joy mixed for your family. Love JLK, grieved that shes not here, overjoyed that you’ve had a few memories of just good, awed to see how your marriage has reached new depths and heights and blessed with thought of a new blessing for your family. I wonder if Jennifer is telling your wee one all about your family! Hugs and prayers always.

  4. Always mother and daughter, nothing can ever change that. When I read your words, I always feel such strong emotion. Your choice of those Two words, real and true, have such meaning for four letters. It made me think of other words that are four letters that have such impact. love. Bond.Hope.Sign.care.hurt.pain.soon.open.pray.dipg.hear.feel.show.know.kiss.hugs.says.tear.star.fear.ease.cuts.toes.cure
    Words have power. And you Libby have power with words. Hugs to you everyday((

  5. You are truly an inspiration. I think of Jennifer often and make sure to talk about her with Sadie…I want her to remember her friend.

  6. The pics of her in the hospital always make me break down. Still here, still reading and following. Never forgetting your girl. xoxo.

  7. Mother and Daughter forever…you have changed my thoughts with my 2 girls- turning many “no’s into yes’s”….thank you Libby for sharing your Glitter girl Jennifer with us. ps- the pic of you 2 is breathtaking. LOVE4JLK always.

  8. Just like there is no rule book on being a parent there is no rule book on grief. You do it your way. The only way your soul knows how. Hopefully having Jennifer’s army here helps a little; we are always here for you.

  9. It’s cruel there are so many noises and scents that send you back to the hospital mentally…now that you’ve written about these so indelibly, I don’t think I will ever board an elevator again or use hand sanitizer again without thinking of your journey with Jennifer.

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