I am in a phase where looking at Jennifer’s pictures I start to smile.. it starts to fill me me warmth like the one above.. how happy and confident she looked. I remember taking that picture and lamenting with my dear friend how quickly it would be real that our two girls would be driving off together.. And that it would look just like that.. but those memories then immediately freeze me up. Because I remember she still could be here but isn’t. Somehow lately looking at her pictures is such a stark reminder of how much has changed while she is stopped in time.. locked in memories and photographs. I think its because I am noticing the changes in all of our living kids lately. .. noticing the change in my own growing belly.
We took the kids to our local amusement park this weekend. .. I woke up not even realizing it was the 12th but knowing I wanted to do something fun for the kids.. to make it a great day. They have lost so much. It’s so much more than just their big sister.. its me too. I am now a working mom now … and a broken hearted mom too. They donate their mommy to Unraveling kids cancer every single day. So I wanted Sunday to be theirs..
It was the first time it was good for Tony, but it was pretty hard for me. Jonathan was able to do much he couldn’t do before.. the things she was able to do when she was 5… driving in the car.. and going on the roller coaster with Daddy. But she wasn’t there to watch him.. to do it with him..
We did a 4 seater boat ride. Boys in one and girls in the other. Her absence reverberated through me. I felt it bouncing all around inside of me. I tried to appreciate the blue eyed beauty sitting across from me.. but I couldn’t help but stare at the empty seat in between us.. That should have been filled with my brown eyed girl. ..
I couldn’t even fully give them one day.
Its been 14 months now since I touched her or held her. 14 months without my daughter. Long enough to know that those days and months will just keep rolling along.. But short enough to still hope they won’t. That somehow this isn’t real.
i love you.
…until there is a cure..